Etiquette and Vitriol

The New Renaissance Man

2011-03-07T22:23:00.004-06:00

Mood: Pensive
Units of Caffeine: 8

Wow. Has it honestly been over two years since I last wrote an entry in this thing? Not that I had a swarm of readers, but I am certain that anyone who visited this blog with any form of regularity has long since moved on to more active sites.

Time, as always has played a large role in my inactivity, but to be honest, I was also getting rather bored with writing about the petty issues of my life and seemingly endless rantings about theatre. I’ve also made a very conscious effort to limit my time sitting in front of a computer. For one, I practically spend all day in front of a computer at work. Why on earth would I want to spend more time in front of it at home? Another issue is that I found myself becoming so involved with virtual social networking that (ironically) I felt that I was losing touch with people. So, in lieu of virtual social networking, I’ve become more involved with actual social networking, visiting friends, going out for drinks, etc. What a concept!

As for writing – well, this (and my following entries) my still be petty to some, but I’ve once again felt the urge to write about what’s happening in my life. I’ve felt an odd pull over the past couple of years – the pull of actually becoming the responsible adult I feel that I should have become some 10+ years ago. But, really, when do we become “adults”? Is there a specific numerical age? Is it when some form of authority deems that we have enough reason to make important decisions like voting or drinking alcoholic beverages? Or is it when we begin to make major purchases like cars and houses? At 35, married, having a career, having bought a car and gone through the process of buying a house, selling said house, and buying another house; I feel that I should be a mature, responsible adult – I feel that I should have felt like this a long time ago. But I still feel like the fun, carefree, college-going person I was well over a decade ago. Although, over the past year or two, I’ve started feeling the pangs of adulthood with my job. Not to say that I’ve ever been non-caring about any job I’ve held, but my employment has become much more than simply a “job”. I’ve gone from simply coming into work, doing my job well, and coming home. I take on more responsibility. I work longer hours, thinking a lot about my goals, and have taken great steps toward my goal of running a theatre company. But the pull toward the “mature adult” got stronger when K and I finally stopped talking about having a kid and started taking action for one. (Well, I can’t really say “start taking action”. We’ve had many, many years of practice. One fine day we made the decision to simply "remove the goalie".)

I have to say, unprotected sex felt… weird. Yeah, I know, not the term one would expect. But up to that point, protected sex was the only sex I had ever experienced. Even after marriage, the time was never right to have a child. As, I have now learned, there is NEVER a right time to have a child – you have to just make up your mind that it’s going to happen and just take the plunge. But, back to the unprotected sex thing… All throughout high school and into college, I was lectured ad infinitum about how having a child would completely ruin my life. Along with the rhetorical question of “When do you become an adult?” I would also ask, “When is it suddenly ‘okay’ to have a kid?” I remember a point in my life where, like a flick of a switch, the opinions of my elders switched from “Having a child will effectively destroy my world” to “Having a child is the best and brightest thing that will ever happen to me.” So, when the hell did that happen? How and when exactly did the switch take place? It’s easy enough for a person to tell me one thing on Monday and completely change directions on Tuesday, but it’s a completely different thing to get my brain to switch this line of thinking. So, although the unprotected sex was some of the best sex I ever experienced, I had this strange feeling that I was doing something wrong – I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing… (which probably added to it being so great!)

Three months later, K found out that she was pregnant. And although I overcame my mental barriers to actually conceive a child, I still can't help but think, “Am I really ready to be a father?” Friends and family all tell me that I am, but how do I get to the point of feeling that I am ready to do this? I began reading parenting books for dads. As I soon found out, this was a horrible idea. Is there not an author in the world that believes there are men out there who understand and are willing to embrace the responsibilities of supporting their wives and raising their children? Every book I started reading seemed to believe that men are bumbling, irresponsible scums of the earth who would be inclined to punch their wives in the gut and leave their 2-week old infant alone in a bath tub with a hair dryer. One by one, I stopped reading every book I picked up because I would either get too angry or too depressed to continue. Granted there are guys out there who are not prepared for fatherhood, who are complete assholes and could use some schooling on the subject. (Just tune in to Lifetime and you’ll see a program about this very fact. That is, when they're not airing reruns of The Golden Girls.) But really, are those the types of guys who would willingly go out and read books on the subject of parenthood?

So, having given up on the books specifically geared toward men, I just began reading the mothering books. K and I also recently got a subscription to Parenting. The magazine is informative enough; it brings up some great parenting issues and advice, encourages a strong family bond, but ironically seems to take the father out of the picture. In their latest issue, there are two pieces that involve dad: one is a short, quarter page Q&A piece of how Davis Guggenheim views parenthood, and the other is a 1-page article about a dad’s musings on fatherly advice. But all the remaining articles in the 108-page magazine are either about mom or how mom will take care of the child. And the majority of pictures: moms and babies. There are a handful of “dad & baby” pictures, but they are far and few between.

The mere fact that I am angered by these books and periodicals that either make dad out to be a major fuck-up, or (worse) take him out of the picture completely tells me that I am a responsible dad who cares for and loves his wife and future son very much. But publishers, authors, and marketing agencies take note: It’s 2011. Resist the urge to use mono-parenting phrases like “Choosy moms choose JIF,” or showing a 30-something year old woman in a hoody as the only adult in a SUV full of kids.

Today’s Renaissance Men are out there. And we’re not only interested in the arts and sciences, but parenthood as well.

Catching Up

2008-10-13T10:29:00.002-05:00

Mood: Grey
Units of Caffeine: 2.5
Song: The More You Ignore Me, the Closer I Get - Morrissey

I think I'm just going to start scheduling time within my daily schedule to blog; otherwise, I'm just not going to do it for several months. Things at the theatre remain busy and stressful - and I am constantly asking myself questions like: "Why am I doing this?" and "Is this what I really want to do / how I want to live?" I never pursued theatre for money. Anyone who does this needs a severe kick in the ass with a reality check. Before working in the theatre, I was working as an office monkey: there was no real future, not a hell of a lot of responsibility, but it delivered a nice paycheck. But, as I said, I don't live to work - so, I continued to pursue my career in the theatre, and after a long ordeal of search, I found an entry-level position, and jumped at the offer, even though I had to take a siginificant pay cut from my last job. As long as I can afford to live and put a little into savings, I'm a happy guy. So, I do what every theatre nerd does: I work many hours a day and don't get a lot of money for it - but I love what I do. But lately, it's gotten very challenging.

My theatre hasn't been able to hold onto a managing director - the person to whom I directly report. I have been at this theatre for a little over a year, and have gone through four leadership transitions. With each new managing director, I go through my desires to grow within the institution and start working my way up the ropes. But when one leaves and another steps in, I'm back to square one. I've done this four times, and it's extremely aggravating. Everyone who has been hired within the theatre subsiquent to me has excelled and moved up - except me. I feel like I'm just getting a bunch of false starts. And whereas I feel that I have learned enough to write a textbook on how not to manage a theatre - my roles and responsibilities have not changed at all since I started the job.

As if this weren't enough - the theatre is not doing so well. Well... what theatre is doing well in this economy? But in light of decreased ticket sales and smaller contributions, the theatre is forced to but the budget by 18%. What this means is significant decreases across the board, including a 20% reduction in payroll, which either means a corresponding cut in pay or a 6 to 8-week furlough period. Like I said - I'm not in theatre for the money, but if/when this happens, my pay will no longer meet my single qualification of simply filling my everyday needs in order to live. I will either need to subsidize my pay with another job - or I can simply get another office monkey job and not be so stressed out all the time.

This is an extremely difficult conversation I am having with myself. The question, of course, is which one of these will leave me happier overall. I can't help but think that this is a lose-lose situation. On one hand, I will be working myself ragged for very little money, with the possibility of not being able to make ends meet. On the other, I will be sacraficing my career for something I won't care about.

Be Afraid

2008-08-11T17:47:00.002-05:00

Mood: Pensive
Units of Caffeine: 6

SHREK, The Musical is in previews this week, and an audition announcement was just posted for Carl Sagen's, CONTACT, The Musical.

Nope, I'm not making this up, folks.

The Daily Grind

2008-07-10T09:44:00.003-05:00

Mood: Stressed
Song: Boulevard of Broken Dreams – Green Day
Units of Caffeine: 0.5

Wow – so it seems that a few seasons have past by without a sniff of a blog. Honestly, I’m beginning to wonder how I went through grad school: I took classes, worked full-time, got involved in theatre – (often tackling a few productions simultaneously), spent time with friends, and still had time for a home life. I barely have half of those things occurring in my life right now, and I feel like I have no time at all. What is it? As you get older someone mysteriously removes an hour or two from your day?

I’m beginning the think that the amount of stress one has in one’s life has something to do with this phenomenon. Although I love my job, it had presented stress and challenges that I have never before faced. And whereas I have been in some stressful situations while in grad school; there was always an end in sight, and these stressful times were equally balanced with times of calm. Oh yeah, I was always doing something, but not all of it was stressful. My current job in the theatre contains constant, daily stress – and it’s the worse stress of all: it’s completely unpredictable. There seems to be a plethora of fire to put out every day; and once you’ve put three fires out, five new ones appear from places you would least likely expect.

Somehow though, things continue to flow along: the theatre continues to operate. How this happens is simply beyond me. For you readers who are not familiar with theatre, there are times in which a production is in the last days of rehearsal and everything is going wrong. To everyone involved in the production, from the director to the actor to the light board operator, it looks like the production is going to be a train wreck; however, when the curtain goes up on opening night, everything works out fine. This doesn’t happen all the time, but it happens more often than you would think. I feel like I’m dealing with this kind of a scenario on a much larger scale. I am reminded of some dialogue from Shakespeare in Love, (which included an enormously underrated actor, Geoffrey Rush):

PHILIP HENSLOWE

Mr. Fennyman, allow me to explain the theatre business. The natural condition is one of insurmountable obstacles on the road to imminent disaster.

HUGH FENNYMAN

So what do we do?

PHILIP HENSLOWE

Nothing. Strangely enough, it all turns out well.

HUGH FENNYMAN

How?

PHILIP HENSLOWE

I don’t know. It’s a mystery.

In addition to the daily work stress, K and I decided that 2008 was going to be the year we stepped back into the role of “homeowners”. So, this past Spring we began the process of looking for a house: we talked with a mortgage broker, figured out how much we could afford, got pre-approved for a loan, met with a Realtor, and headed out into the Emerald City looking for some new digs. I realize that there are people out there who absolutely love the mere idea of looking for a new place to live and thinking of the seemingly endless possibilities with home décor, landscaping, etc. K is one of these people. I, however, am not. The thought of spending a day driving around looking at houses is akin to sitting in a dentist’s chair for a day. I remember the search for our first house in Texas being a horrible experience for me. (If you ask K about it, she will have the exact opposite reaction.) And, in hindsight, Texas was easy. We probably spent only a week looking at houses before we put an offer on the house we bought. This was not the case in Seattle.

The search in Seattle was a lot tougher: there was a lot more to consider, there were a lot more properties, and the stakes were higher (i.e. the cost of real estate in Seattle is significantly more than in Texas.) In Texas, it felt like we could afford to get our cake and eat it, too: it was easy to find everything that we wanted in a house, and thus could afford to be picky with the properties we were looking at. In Seattle, we had to face certain questions, like:

Should we get a larger place outside of the city, or should we get a smaller place in the city?
Do we want a single-family house that would require some repair and/or renovation or do we want a town home or condo that would be turn-key but might have some homeowner’s fees?
Should we sacrifice wanting a larger space if we find a small property in a great area?

With so many questions and so many properties, it took us a few months of looking before we found something that we felt comfortable putting an offer on. We found a nice town home with a LOT of light, a large kitchen, in a nice area and, although a little on the small side, it was damn near perfect. After a bit a price negotiating, we got the place, and we just closed today: this afternoon, we’ll have the keys.

So, now the house hunt is over, we have the great joy of moving. Oh, boy – can I tell you how much I just LOVE moving: NOT! The only joy I’m taking in it is the thought that I won’t have to do it again for a very long time. But, in the meantime, K and I are packing up boxes every night and every weekend for our move date on the 12^th

It’s funny: we took a vacation to Alaska just a tad over a month ago, but by the time all of this is over and we’re all moved in by the end of the month – I’m going to need another vacation, STAT!

Okay, Okay

2008-06-27T11:22:00.001-05:00

I haven't blogged in a while.... and I have SO much to say. All I can say right now is "stay tuned." I will be back shortly.

Johnny Depp Is Not a Baritone

2007-11-29T00:05:00.000-06:00

So why the hell was he cast as Sweeney Todd?

I just listened to a little clip of My Friends, and he sounds like a 15 year old. I like Johnny Depp; I love Tim Burton; and I ADORE Sweeney Todd, but I'm not so sure I'm going to like this interpretation.

Going Solo

2007-10-28T17:01:00.000-05:00

Mood: Relaxed
What's on: Food Network Challenge - Halloween Cake
Units of Caffeine: 8

This past week has been a whirlwind of activity. I haven’t had much of a life in the past ten days or so, nor have I seen much of K.

I sing with a group in Seattle, and we just had a concert this past weekend, which means that this past week was chock full of lengthy dress rehearsals. (This, of course is on top of my already busy schedule at the theatre.) K is busy rehearsing for a musical she is in, and almost every day this past week, I would come home at some ungodly hour, not too long before or after K came home, and we would both be any combination of: hungry, tired, exhausted, and/or emotional. A couple of the days that sucked were when all of those things would happen at once. Ugh!

So, Friday morning rolls around and I wake up with a killer headache and an extremely raw throat. I called in to work, if only for the morning – after a few mugs of herbal lemon tea and a couple doses of Advil. By about 12:30, my throat wasn’t any better, but my head was okay, so I thought I was ready to face the world, (in a very silent kind of way.) I was really beginning to worry that I wouldn’t be able to sing in the concert. I am not one to throw in the towel, and I didn’t want to cause any undue panic, so I planned to wait until later in the afternoon to make my decision and call the director, if I had to. So, I went into work with a bag of Halls, whispered a slightly painful “Good Morning” to my supervisor, and started about my day’s business.

About an hour or so and several mugs of herbal tea later, the pain in my throat dulled from a raw, scratchy feeling to just a closed, tight feeling. I thought that the worst was over. I figured that, if I just “faked” some of the music and didn’t push it, I would be okay for the concert. But, around 2:30 in the afternoon, I got a phone call for the director telling me that the group’s resident tenor soloist was very sick and completely lost his voice. The director asked me to do one of his solos. This is where I really began to panic. You see, it would be one thing if the music were somewhat familiar, like “Panis Angelicus” or “Bist du Bei Mir” or some other commonly known tenor solo. (This isn’t to say that it would be a stress-free situation if this were the case.) However, the music we were performing was a) know well known, b) difficult, both rhythmically and musically, and c) in Irish. And yes, keep in mind that my throat was still not in perfect shape. Above all else, the language was the biggest problem. Some of the lyrics of the solo included the following:

Ó’s óró mo bháidín
Ó’s óró mo churachín ó

Fira na farraige, fira na moina
Hin barra bin ó hin bó
Fira na talamha, fira na feirme
Hin barra bin ó hin bó

Crochfa mé seolta is gabhfa mé siar
Hin barra bin ó hin bó
‘S óró mo churachín ó
Hin barra bin ó hin bó ar í ó

Major kudos to those who can read that sans difficulty. Irish doesn’t sound a whole lot like it looks. Example: the word “siar” is pronounced, “sheer”. Learning this song is further complicated by the fact that it is sung as almost a quick patter.

My supervisor overheard my conversation and, when I got off the phone, she said, “You need to go home right now and start working on this!” I think this is one of the perks of working for a performing arts organization: they completely understand situations like this. So, I went home and just started working my ass off: learning notes, learning rhythms, and most importantly, learning the language.

About five hours later, I was singing the solo in front of an audience of about 500 people, and I somehow made it all work. I can’t say that it sounded as good as the tenor soloist I replaced, but it did not sound like I only worked on it for a few hours. Huzzah! The soloist was not feeling any better on the second night of the performance, so I performed it on the second night as well. I guess the only thing I had a problem with is that the director did not acknowledge that I was a replacement for the soloist listed in the program on either night of the performance. Perhaps it’s my ego, but I don’t quite understand why this piece of information wasn’t noted. Oh well, it’s done; I got my solo; and now I have (a little) more free time on my hands.

Green Lobster

2007-10-15T16:35:00.000-05:00

Mood: Okay
Song: N/A
Units of Caffeine: 1

I’m beginning to realize how much it sucks to not have a credit or debit card or at least a few checks. Because of our little car break-in last Thursday, K and I had to close our bank accounts and open new ones. Right now, we’re in a 5 to 10-day period of time in which our finances are in limbo, and we don’t have any access to any of our cash. Thankfully, my brother and his partner have given us a bit of cash to help out during this period, but there are some things that we just can’t take care of with cash without being a HUGE pain in the ass. Bills are an issue – you can’t just stuff some cash in an envelope and send it on its way. (Well, you can, but there aren’t any guarantees that it will be applied to your account, if received at all.) Laundry is another issue – the washing and drying machines in our building work by way of a card that you can recharge. However, you need a credit/debit card in order to recharge it. No cash accepted. Yes, I could go to some laundry place, but I really don’t want to load up all of my laundry, and spend a few hours sitting around, waiting. I’d rather do that in my own apartment.

But, it’s only for a few days, and what better way to keep me from spending money, right? The good news is that we did get to do some special things for my 6-year anniversary with K, albeit with a story or two. (Since when has my life ever been boring?)

Last Friday night, K and I went to our favorite restaurant in Seattle, the Dahlia Lounge. It’s one of Tom Douglas’s restaurants and, although has a few other great restaurants in Seattle, we just can’t seem to get ourselves to venture outside of the Dahlia. (Note to anyone visiting Seattle – Tom Douglas is a bit of a local celebrity. If nothing else, make damn sure you go to one of his restaurants! You will be glad you did.) So, an evening at the Dahlia isn’t just “going out to dinner,” it’s an experience. It’s relaxing. It’s high-end. The waiters are attentive, but not over-bearing or pretentious. It’s just great! Every time we’ve been there, we’ve gone all out and just ordered things on the menu that we wouldn’t otherwise order – really obscure, adventurous dishes, and I have never been disappointed. But this time around, I ordered a rib-eye with braised kale and a sweet-potato dumpling. The kale and the dumpling were by far the best items on the plate, but the rib-eye was unimpressive: it was rather tough and had too much of a charred flavor to it. I only ate about half of it and politely indicated to the waitress that I wasn’t as impressed with it as other things that I have had in the past. She was extremely apologetic and even went so far as to remove the steak from our bill. (I really wasn’t expecting that, especially since it was the most expensive item on the menu.) But this wasn’t to say that we didn’t drop a lot of money at the Dahlia, and it isn’t to say that it is no longer our favorite spot in Seattle. In fact, this experience is just another reason why we love it so much.

The following night, October 13^th, was our actual anniversary, so I decided to make something special for dinner: stuffed lobster. I’ve made this dish many times in the past, and it’s a keeper! While K was at hear Saturday rehearsal fro Seussical, I went out grocery shopping with some cash borrowed from my brother and his partner. Everything looked great: fresh ingredients, and a couple of live, kicking lobsters! (They were certainly kicking when I put them into the steamer basket, that’s for damn sure!) So, you can imagine my surprise when I cut into one of them and found the meat to be a disturbing, sickly green color. Having made lobster several times, I know the reasons for using live critters: as soon as they die, their bodies immediately begin to decompose and spoil. Although, it’s not color that indicates spoilage, but rather the smell of ammonia. So, I was quite surprised when the offending lobster was NOT dead, nor did it smell of ammonia – but there was no way that I was going to serve this thing; there was definitely something wrong with it, so I threw it away. God, was I pissed. Not only did we now only have half a lobster each, but at $15 per pound, I basically threw away $30 with the 2 lb. lobster. GAH! As it turned out, I had plenty of food, (especially with some seared scallop chowder I bought from Pike Place Chowder and my home made chocolate mousse for dessert), but still – when I make very little money as a theatre artisan AND I have no access to cash due to some asshole who felt the need to take shit, I was (and am) really freaking pissed about the whole thing. Of course, I kept a smile on my face and my moth shut – nothing spoils a romantic, candle-lit anniversary dinner more than a husband yelling, “MOTHERFUCKER!”

Catching Up

2007-10-14T12:45:00.000-05:00

Mood: Busy
Song: Mr. Brightside - The Killers
Units of Caffeine: 3

Okay, so I would like to try to write in this thing more than just a few times a year. I would like to say that I’ve been busy, but that excuse just doesn’t work for me. I mean, not too long ago, I was working a full-time job, taking graduate-level classes, working on my thesis, and stage managing a show – and I still found time to blog. Now, my job combines all of that into one convenient package and I work in a theatre. So, it would seem that I would have more time to write, right? Uh… not so much. I wish I could say what a typical week is like, but I don’t have a typical week – it really all depends on what is going on in the course of the week. But here is what last week was like:

Monday:
Got into work at 7:30. Because K had the day off, I left work at 12:30 to spend the afternoon with her.

Tuesday:
Got into work at 7:30. Left at 7:00 only to go to a rehearsal from 7 to 9:30.

Wednesday:
Got into work at 7:00. Had a late meeting that went until 7, after witch the artistic director of the theatre invited me to go to a tech rehearsal of the opera with him. I wasn’t about to say no. I got home around 10.

Thursday:
It was opening night. I got in a 7:30 and didn’t get home until about 2:30 in the morning.

Friday:
At 7:00 a.m., I wake up to K shouting at me – our car had been broken into the night before. With very little sleep and a hangover, this is how I started my Friday.

Yes, there are some special circumstances that took place this past week, but there are special circumstances EVERY week. And yes, I did take half a day off on Monday, but that isn’t normal, either. I guess the hardest thing from a schedule like this is finding time to do those things that just need to be done, like grocery shopping or laundry. K, of course, helps when she can, but she just got into a show that rehearses every evening except Fridays and Sundays. It’s because of this that I’ve been having a hard time with my in-laws.

They moved up here last Spring and are pretty much fully retired. But because they are retired, they have a lot more time on their hands. Time in which to bother their daughter and son in-law. I am very happy that they want to have an active role in our lives – and no, I’m not just saying this. My parents are the polar opposite of my in-laws: I haven’t seen my father in over a year, I haven’t seen my mother in over a year and a half, and I only talk to them on the phone a few times a year. Given these two extremes, I prefer my in-laws. I can’t tell you how many times my parents have hurt me with their ambivalence, and they don’t even care. Once my in-laws moved up here, we promptly went back to the weekly Sunday family dinner. I think this may be a traditional Italian thing. It’s nice and all, but takes a rather lengthy chunk of time out of the day. And, since they’ve retired, it’s easy for them to lose track of time. Whereas, if they were at my house for dinner and they were working, they would leave between 8 and 8:30. Now that they are retired, there has been one or two instances in which they left closer to 10:00. When this happens, all I can do is look at the clock and think about all the things that I need to do before I go to bed.

Thankfully, I think K & I have gotten them to agree to do the Sunday dinner thing every other week. (In my perfect little world, I would like to narrow it down to once a month, but what we have obtained is a small step toward a greater goal, so I am perfectly happy with it, for now.)

So, this past week has been hectic. (I feel that all of them are hectic, but since I haven’t blogged in a while, I have to begin somewhere.) I was caught off guard on Wednesday when the artistic director asked me to go to the opera with him. You see, although I work about ten feet from his office and see him every day, I had not yet gotten the chance to have a real conversation with him. It’s always been a quick “Hi” there and a “How are you doing?” there, but nothing more than skin deep. So, I thought he was joking a little. My supervisor quickly assessed the situation and whispered, “The a.d. just asked you to the opera, right?” (I nod my head in affirmation) “Do you have plans tonight?” (I shake my head “no”) “Then your answer is YES!”

So, that evening, we head off to the final rehearsal of this opera, which I find is being directed by one of the a.d.’s friends. This director regularly directs for the Metropolitan Opera in NYC and is an instructor at Juilliard. While driving to the opera house, the a.d. asks me the typical questions: what theatre have you done? Where did you meet your wife? Etc… I tell him about NY and TX and The Rocky Horror Show, and ask him the same questions. And, through this conversation I find out that he has worked with Tony Kushner, among others. Which brings me to one of the perks about this job - - I may not make a lot of money, but in the short period of time in which I have worked at this theatre, I have met some pretty well-known theatre folks. Every once in a while, I will be sitting in my office, doing my thing, and then someone like John Aylward will come in and ask me where the production manager is or something. Just a few weeks ago, I had a really nice conversation with Steven Dietz and his wife. Of course, when these moments happen, I feel like I regress back into high school, and feel like I’m the nerd who has somehow found my way to the “cool kids” table in the school cafeteria, and don’t know what to say. This is how I felt all night at the opera. I’m actually quite thankful it was an opera and not something like dinner, in which I would have to be “on” for conversation. This is something that I really need to work on! Anyone have an recommendations on how to become a little less introverted and a little more social???

Thursday night, my theatre opened the biggest show it had done in years. It was so big that it took over four years to complete. So, Thursday night was a HUGE deal. I helped with the pre-show reception and after-show cast party. I always like doing these things because, although it’s a lot of work and it goes really late into the night, it’s a lot of fun – (and the only part of any job I’ve had where you can let your hair down and have a few drinks.) The only thing that sucked was that the party went so late into the night that the bus route to my apartment stopped running and I had to take a cab – (WAY to freaking expensive!)

This brings me to Friday morning: with only a few hours of sleep and a nasty hangover, I had to deal with a crisis: my car had been broken into. Thankfully, there was no damage done to the car and it didn’t appear that anything was stolen. However, K and I realized that we had quite a bit of sensitive information in the car, (i.e. account numbers, social security numbers, etc.) So, we spent the entire morning on the phone with banks, credit bureaus, fraud protection agencies, etc. It was hell! And since I had done this just two years ago when our house was broken into, I knew the REAL pain in the ass to come out of this: We wouldn’t have any access to any of our money for 5 to 10 business days while our money is in limbo between accounts. I real bummer as this weekend is my 6-year anniversary with my wife. Thankfully, K and I found a few ways of getting our hands on some cash, so as not to affect our plans. But, quite a few of my bills are going to be late this month, as I have no access to on-line bill pay and no checks. And all this because some ass-hat decided to break into my car. Oh well, at least it wasn’t like the aforementioned situation in which our house was broken into – that REALLY sucked; we lost quite a bit in that robbery, and it cost us a lot of money. This is only really costing us time. But, like I said, time is something that I don’t have a lot of as of late.

Well, today is laundry day. (I haven’t done any since before I went to Boston early last month.) Gah!! So, with this blog, I again start a new day, in which to being writing more regularly.

Cheers!

Phoenix

2007-06-26T00:31:00.000-05:00

Mood: Thrilled!
Song: N/A
Units of Caffeine: 8

Gah! Has it been five months since my last blog? Has it seriously been that long? Well, what a difference five months make. (I know, I know… the beginning of this blog doesn’t sound all that different from my last blog, written in January, but that’s the only similarity… oh, and that I’m writing about a new job.)

Yes, I was only at the University of Washington for about six months, but two things happened:

(1) The job at the UW wasn’t what I had hoped it would be.

(2) I have finally gotten a job in theatre!

You know, actually, the job at the UW was exactly what I thought it would be – it was the people I worked with who made it unpleasant. After a while, it became very apparent that they thought of me as nothing more than another office monkey. After I applied for a position within the office for which I was extremely qualified and was told that “interviewing me would be a waste of everyone’s time,” I knew that it was time to put the job search back into fifth gear. I can’t tell you how much I didn’t want to do this. Searching for a job is exhausting. I know because I felt that I just got done doing it – Hell, I DID just get done doing it! Of course, I was keeping my ear to the ground for some theatre work, but I really didn’t give it the time it deserved until this unfortunate event occurred at the UW. So, I applied for the typical admin positions that I always go for – although, admittedly, I had absolutely no interest in them. I also applied for a few more positions in higher ed. Again, though, after my experience at the UW, I really wasn’t looking forward to doing this shit all over again. Yes, I know that I spent five glorious years at an amazing department in a university in Texas, but I think I was just worn out.

But then I found a position at a local theatre that looked tailor-made for me. It did not pay as much as I was making at the UW, but this wasn’t about the money anymore. It was about leaving a position that had no future. It was about getting away from jobs that did nothing more than pay the bills. And it was about finally getting focused on my career.

K and I spent a few nights tweaking, refining, and glossing my theatre resume. I sent it out and, my god, I actually got a call for an interview! My first theatre interview! To say that I was nervous was a severe understatement. I prepared myself for this interview in ways that I had never done before: I researched the theatre and found out the history of the company, the artistic staff, budgets, vision statements, etc. I spent a few evenings going over potential interview questions and rehearsed some key points I wanted to bring up.

The morning of the day of the interview, I did not do any research or anything. I briefly looked at my resume again and then relaxed and focused on myself, as I would prior to an audition. As I was focusing, I remembered my theatre model that I created for my theatre management class and grabbed it as I left my apartment for my interview.

The interview was a bit strange. I wasn’t asked any of the questions I had prepared myself for. In fact, I was barely asked anything at all. The interviewing committee did most of the talking. I was VERY happy that one of the interviewers asked me what, out of all my graduate studies, I felt was the most important and why. I seized the opportunity to show them my project, and felt that may have sealed the deal. I think it was a great example of “show me, don’t tell me.” Although, I still left the interview not really knowing what to make of it. I didn’t think that I really had the opportunity to truly sell myself. It actually felt a lot like the interview I had with my former boss at the university in Texas – and we know how that turned out!

A couple of days later, I got the call with the job offer! I was thrilled! I took great delight in turning in my two-weeks notice to the UW. For two weeks, I was in great anticipation, fearing that, at any moment, someone was going to wake me up and tell me that this was all a dream.

But here I am – Today was my first day working at a professional theatre. I’m walking on clouds right now. I feel like my biggest wish in the world has just come true.

Too Long

2007-01-29T23:47:00.000-06:00

Mood: Tired
Song: Only Daddy (That'll Walk the Line) - The Skeletons
Units of Caffeine: 7 or 8 (I lost count)

HOLY SHIT! Has it seriously been over two months since I last blogged!?!? What kind of loser am I? Well, I guess the obvious answer is that I've been a bit busy - (and a little too addicted to My Space). But what good is a My Space blog? Okay, so you can write epics with the knowledge that your friends, family, and various celebrities that you added as your "friends" can read it. But there's something to be said about writing to the great unknown. This isn't to say that there aren't people out there, reading my blog, who don't know my true identity - but they are few and far between. (Besides, it's been so long since I've written anything, that those people probably don't come around here anymore anyway.)

So, here I am with lots of words to write - and very little energy with which to write it. I have found that I am getting tired earlier and earlier. I am trying to find the reason why - Perhaps it has something to do with getting up at 5 in the morning every morning. Or maybe that there aren't as many daylight hours in Seattle as there were in Dallas. (I have yet to commute to and from work in daylight hours. Hell, if it weren't for the weekends, I wouldn't now what my apartment looks like in the daylight.) Or maybe it's the thing that I just don't want to think about - Maybe I'm just getting old.

Normally I wouldn't care about this so much. I've always lived by basic rules of logic: When you're hungry, eat something. If you're tired, sleep. That sort of thing. But it just seems that my fatigue is a bit more excessive right now. Around 9:00 every evening, I'm looking at the clock, waiting for a reasonable time in which I can just climb into bed and crash. It's not so bad now - but when I start doing theatre again, this is going to be a big problem. I haven't really pondered on the details of this dilemma; haven't thought of possible solutions, because there are other factors at hand, which may help the situation in the coming weeks.

As you may have gathered from my talk of a work commute, I finally got a job (after four months of searching.) The pay is 'okay' - (better than what I was making in Texas) - but the job is not quite what I thought it would be. Perhaps not surprisingly, I am not working in a theatre (yet). As always, it's a competitive field no matter where you live - and the fact that I haven't begun networking yet doesn't help. So, I have something that pays the bills while I continue my search and find out what's out there in the arts community. I'm working at a local university, doing things that aren't unlike what I was doing in Texas. The only difference is that I'm more on the academic side of the fence than on the student services side. There are quite a few things that I like better, but on the whole, I miss what I did for the past five years. But I keep asking myself, "Do I miss it because it is what is familiar to me?" And it doesn't help that my office environment is ridged, somewhat unfeeling, and (at times) downright unpleasant.

I will use this blog as an overture of the writings to come. As I said - I have a lot to write about. If I just weren't so damned tired!

But it's good to be back!

Thanksgiving Joys & Pains

2006-11-24T12:47:00.000-06:00

‘Twas the day after Thanksgiving and all through the apartment, dirty dishes were stacked, and…. and darned is I can think of anything that rhymes with ‘apartment’.

But yes, it’s Black Friday morn, (as they say in the retail world, referring to the slew of crazy shoppers that jumpstart their holiday shopping the Friday after Thanksgiving) – But today I’m not shopping. Well, to be completely honest, I NEVER shop on the day after Thanksgiving. I usually start decking my halls with Christmas goodies or plan out what to do with the leftover Thanksgiving goodness or clean the lint from my naval, or ANYTHING that isn’t leaving my domicile and going into the madness of the busiest shopping day of the year. But this morning, I am sitting among piles of dirty dishes, waiting for a plumber to arrive.

Yesterday’s Thanksgiving started on a great note: I woke up early; fixed myself some coffee; began brining the turkey; popped on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade; and promptly began making a pumpkin pie. I was extremely happy with the fact that, for the first time in six years, I was again making the Thanksgiving Dinner. Living in the same city-area as my in-laws for the past six years has put a damper on this – They were always insistent on having the holiday meals at their house. It’s a battle that I fought, (and lost), every year. (And I predict that the battle will continue when they move up here.) Aside from a couple of hiccups here and there with regards to the turkey, the meal came out great! As it was, the turkey just took quite a bit longer than I had anticipated; (I think the turkey may have been a little frozen in some spots here and there when I initially put it in the oven.) But, thanks to the brining process, it did NOT dry out! In fact, the dark meat cooked faster than the white meat, which is damn near impossible! I’m chalking my turkey hiccups up to the fact that I haven’t done it in six years. But, since I planned to sit down to eat at about 3 in the afternoon, it wasn’t a really big deal when we ended up sitting down at 6. (It WOULD have been an issue if I planned to sit down to eat at 6, and we didn’t end up sitting down to eat until 9!) But it wasn’t a problem at all. It was nice and relaxed. And between the cheese, wine, pumpkin bread, and homemade foccacia, no one was about to eat the table when we DID sit down to eat.

What made this Thanksgiving one to remember was that, late in the afternoon, as I was cleaning up some things, I heard some dripping under the sink and soon realized that there was a leak in the trap. At first the leak was slight – Enough to be an annoyance, but not such a big problem that it couldn’t wait until the next day for a plumber. So, I just put a pot under the sink and went on with my business. (Besides, what were the chances of getting a plumber at 4:00 in the afternoon on Thanksgiving?) About an hour later, the slight leak turned into a major problem with water spraying all over the cupboard under the sink and seeping onto the kitchen floor. I stopped up the sink and we placed a call to the emergency maintenance number the apartment complex provided. A few minutes later, I noticed the trap was continuing to spray water, even though I put a stopper in my sink. It was a bigger problem – There was a clog somewhere in the main drainage pipe for the apartment building, so when anyone living in any of the apartments above us used their sinks or dishwashers, it would back up into our sink. A nice, Cuban plumber arrived within a half hour of our phone call. He fixed the leak with no problems, but had to get an industrial snake to put down the drain to work on the clog. My apartment kitchen is very, VERY small. It has very little counter space, and is extremely crowded when more than one person is in it. It is important to know that, while the plumber was working, I still had things on the stove and in the oven. Every once in a while I would have to ask the plumber to step aside, while I opened the oven, or he would have to ask me to move something to access the disposal. In hindsight, the dance we shared was pretty damn funny. But, after about a half an hour of working on the clog, he couldn’t do anything. So, we couldn’t use the sink for the remainder of the evening. To complicate matters, at around 7:00, when people in the apartments above us started doing their dishes, the water level began to rise in our sink. My brother jammed the stopper into the sink to keep the water level from rising, but then the water just started getting out from an exhaust hole in the wall above the sink. Again, this is something that is quite funny now, but at the time, it wasn’t very funny. We called the emergency number again; the nice Cuban man came again and, although there wasn’t anything he could do to fix the problem, he went to all of the apartments above us and asked the residents not to use their sinks or dishwashers.

As I was writing this blog, the plumber came this morning and fixed the problem. Huzzah! I have a working sink! Now I have the joy of washing the dishes.

Whee!

Anything Can Happen On Halloween

2006-10-29T14:30:00.000-06:00

Fall is in the air and finally I’m in a place where I can enjoy it, because it actually FEELS like fall. But, along with my familiarities with fall: the cool air, the falling leaves, and pumpkin spice filling the air, there is Halloween! Halloween and Thanksgiving are my two all time favorite holidays. (Alright, so we don’t get Halloween off from work, but that doesn’t mean that it ceases to be a holiday.) I’m still not sure what I will be doing on Halloween night – (I’m thinking of going to a Halloween party hosted by Seattle’s Jet City Improv – they are LOTS of fun) – But until then, I am certainly having fun on the nights leading up to Halloween. I’ve started making some of my favorite seasonal delights using the most wonderful ingredient of the Fall: Pumpkin. And who could go through a Halloween season without watching It’s The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown? I haven’t gotten to see one of my all-time favorite movies, The Nightmare Before Christmas, yet – but that’s one of those wonderful films that one can see anytime between Halloween and Christmas. (Or, if you’re like me, ANY time of the year is great for that movie.) But last night my brother and his partner introduced me to a new Halloween treat… or rather, trick: An absolutely horribly funny 80’s crap film entitled, The Worst Witch, starring Fairuza Balk and Tim Curry. It’s actually funny that the plot of this film is along the same vein as Harry Potter, (but Harry Potter is so much better.) But the highlight of this film is a song sung by Tim Curry. You will have to actually see this number to get the full effect, but in honor of Halloween, Tim Curry, and complete buffoonery, here are the lyrics. (I used a bold font to highlight my favorite part.)

I wouldn’t change places
With anyone tonight
We’ll carve pumpkin faces
And watch the witches flight
Every human heart will shudder
Every soul will shake with fear
Tonight, the creepiest
Tonight, the scariest
Tonight, the most wonderful night
Of the year
Anything can happen on Halloween
Your dog could turn into a cat
There may be a toad in your bass guitar
Or your sister could turn into a bat
Christmas time brings the snow
Summer time brings the sun
But on Halloween your blood begins to run
Something’s funky going down now

Anything can happen on Halloween
It’s better than a video
Gremlins gonna mess up every cassette
From London to Idaho
April first can be fun
New Year’s Eve is a bore
But on Halloween your flesh begins to crawl
Oh, I’m losing control
Anything can happen on Halloween
Your toenails grow long and your hair turns green
Your teacher could become a sardine
Your dentist could turn into a queen
Has anybody seen my tambourine
I may start playing Begin the Beguine
The craziest night you’ve ever seen
This hairy, scary, creepy, crawly,
Halloween.

Insomnia

2006-10-17T06:35:00.000-05:00

It’s 3:30 in the morning and I would like nothing more than to be in bed, sleeping soundly, but my body just won’t let me do it. I haven’t been able to sleep well for quite some time and it’s been a bit of an annoyance. When K and I went to the hotel last weekend for our anniversary getaway, I thought… I was in hopes that I would finally get a good night’s sleep, (thinking that a relaxing evening and a change of scenery would do the trick.) Such was not the case.

In addition to not sleeping well, I have also been feeling a bit anxious and on edge over the past few weeks. I really hadn’t paid it much mind, except last night it got to a point where I got angry and lashed out at K for no reason whatsoever. I felt horrible and a bit embarrassed. I wish I knew what my problem was. I wish I knew what I could do to stop all of this and relax.

Looking Back

2006-10-17T06:26:00.000-05:00

Five years ago last Friday, I married K. With every anniversary we have, I think about our relationship, (as most couples do or should do), but I also think about where I was in the fall of 2001 - Not just physically, but mentally. For the first time in my life, I was happy with where I was with my relationship. But, with regards to almost everything else, I felt stuck. I had been in Texas for a year, and hadn't really done much with myself, save for one show, which was not the best of experiences. I was working in a call center for an insurance agency and, although I was making okay money, the job had no future at all. I spent my evenings at the local Barnes & Noble cafe, writing in my journal; thinking back at how busy and fulfilled I was just a few years earlier, back in college. I ended up quitting my job and spending three months looking for something new while taking an on-line class at UNT.

So, here we are. Five years later. K and I are still married, with a strong relationship. We're living in Washington, now, and... heh... I'm unemployed again. However, I don't feel stuck in the way I did five years ago. I liked where my career was headed in Texas. I felt that, had I stayed there, I could have gone in many different directions. That isn't to say that I don't have those same directions here in Seattle, but, unlike Texas, I don't know anyone here, so I have to start from the bottom of the totem pole. And starting at the bottom has proved to be a bit more difficult than I had anticipated. I apply to three or four jobs per day, and yet I've only had two interviews since I moved here, (the last one occurring over a month ago.) And, honestly, I don't know what I'm doing (or not doing) to not at least get an interview. Lately, I've taken another look at my resumes and cover letters. I've read countless articles on job sites like CareerBuilder and Monster, as well as a few books on the subject. I got to the point where I don't know how else to tweak things. One night last week, K volunteered to have a look at my job search materials. K has always had some great suggestions on how to make my resume pop; often reminds me of things I left off; or has better ways of saying things, so that they read better. But, after reading my most recent resume and cover letter, she had nothing to contribute. She told me that they looked great and shared in my confusion as to why I am not getting more calls for interviews. So, I continue to apply, with the hopes that "This one is going to be the one!"

The other part of the anniversary - (the non-introspection part) - was really, really nice. Last year K was in rehearsals for a rather challenging show and I was hoping between stage managing said show to my thesis project. We were both so busy that October 13th came and went just like any other day. But this year was different. Last Friday, we went to the Dahlia Lounge, owned by Seattle's celebrity chef, Tom Douglas, who specializes in Northwestern cuisine. I've never had Northwestern cuisine, nor did I know what it is. (In fact, I'm still learning.) However, I will tell you this: Eating at the Dahlia Lounge was an amazing experience. Those who know me well will tell you that I will complain about paying for an expensive meal when I know that I could easily have made the meal myself. And I will go up the wall if I pay for an expensive meal when I know that I could have made it myself, AND it would have been better had I done so. Readers take note: An evening at the Dahlia is not inexpensive; however, I can guarantee that you never had anything like what you can get at the Dahlia. Tom Douglas uses a unique blend of flavors and textures that many could never dream of, making this one of the most memorable culinary experiences of my life, (right next to my experience dining at a couple of the restaurants at the Culinary Institute of America.) Also, our four course meal was so well portioned, so well paced, that we didn't notice that we had spent three hours enjoying our meal. The next day, I surprised K with a lunch cruise around Elliott Bay, followed by a night at the Silver Cloud Inn in Mukilteo - a room complete with a fireplace and 2-person spa. I believe it was our first time to completely unwind since we left Texas over two months ago.

Now, we're back to the grind. Back to my 8-hour a day job of looking for a job.

Have I said lately that I can't wait to get a job?

Laundry Rant

2006-10-17T06:13:00.000-05:00

If you are reading this and you use a coin-operated washer & dryer, or something to that affect AND their are only two washers and two driers AND you are using both of them, then please, please, in the name of all that is sacred, PLEASE remove your belongings promptly from said appliances once the cycles are done!! Right now I am reminded of the number one reason why I HATE using public laundry equipment: When some asshole uses all of the equipment and then just lets their laundry sit for hours while others need to do their laundry. Of course, I could remove the laundry myself and put it on top of the washer and/or dryer, but I hate being put in that position, and I have never, ever been able to do that without anything bad happening. I remember an instance in college where I had waited to use the washer so long that I had gotten fed up enough to remove the clothes and use the washer. When the cycle was completed, I moved my laundry to the dryer. After about 5 or 10 minutes, I went to put another load in the washer and noticed that the dipshit took my laundry out of the dryer, put it on the floor, and put their laundry in the dryer. So, this went beyond the actions of your standard selfish, laundry hording asshole; they were also completely disrespectful and using my laundry money! As I was taking this asshole's laundry out of the dryer and putting mine back in, this rather tall, muscular guy comes in and yells at me: "What are you doing with my girlfriend's laundry!?" I told him what had happened, but, (surprise, surprise), he didn't believe me and threatened to rearrange my face if I didn't put his girlfriend's laundry back in the dryer.

Seattle - Mexico

2006-10-08T14:46:00.000-05:00

Mood: Waking
Song: It’s Not Your Fault – New Found Glory
Units of Caffeine: 0

I had a strange feeling yesterday afternoon, during lunch. Yesterday seems like the first Saturday since moving here that we weren’t entertaining anyone. And, whereas it’s great that we have had so many friends and family visit since moving here, it affirms that whole theory of “too much of a good thing.” I was beginning to think that being a weekend tour guide was my weekend job. For the past few weeks, I had been going to the same tourist spots over and over again, and explaining the same things over and over again. Last weekend, the in-laws were in town and, although it was nice to see them again, god, did I spend way too much time with them! It had gotten to a point where I needed to get away and do something sans the in-laws. So, last Saturday night, after having dinner in Alki, we went our separate ways. I looked at my watch and noticed it was only 8:30!! With the entire night left, Monk, K and I decided to finally check out the Irish pub down the street from our apartment. (Why it took so long for us to visit the closest pub to our apartment is beyond me.) It was great. There was a live band, playing a fusion of Irish folk and rock; the pub was warm, rustic-looking, and inviting; and the drinks were great. (We found out later that the food is good, too.) So, we spent the next four or five hours there and got rather toasty. Nay… rather inebriated. So, we all staggered back to the apartment, (which was the most fun walking up the hill to our house that I ever had), and we all collapsed. The next day, I paid for my sins. I woke up with a hangover that made me feel sick; sensitive to sunlight; and my head feel like it was eight sizes too small for my brain. I wanted nothing more than to spend half the day in bead, with the covers over my head. Instead, I had to wake up early, to a VERY sunny day in Seattle, to spend the day with my in-laws. Saturday night was fun, but admittedly, that was some really poor planning on my part.

So, this weekend is much better. No in-laws. No hangovers. Just a few lazy days in which we don’t have to do anything. I spent the morning with my brother and his partner, as seems to be the norm for our Saturday morning, and got together with K a little later to spend the rest of the day with her. It was another nice day, so we decided to go to Alki again to enjoy the water and the view, and check out one of the many beachside restaurants there. We ended up going to a Mexican place. This had been the first Mexican restaurant we went to since leaving Texas. It was just so hard for me to go to a Mexican place. For one, I wanted to enjoy all of the things the northwest had to offer, which was mostly seafood, seafood, and more seafood. But there were other things that Seattle has that we had a hard time finding whilst living in Texas. We’ve found some fantastic Italian delis; there are a few Indian places that we love here; and Chinatown, located on the south side of downtown Seattle, has some of the best Asian food and ingredients that I have seen…. ever. In addition to this, having spent the past six and a half years in Texas, I just couldn’t get over the mental leap that there could possible be any good Mexican places anywhere other than Texas. I recently watched an episode of No Reservations in which its host, celebrity chef, Anthony Bourdain toured Mexico for a sample of Mexican cuisine and culture. What I found most interesting about the program was that Tony didn’t film the entire show in Mexico. Instead, he bounced back and forth over the border between Mexico and Texas. Why? Because there is so much Mexican culture that can be found in Texas. Texas embraces it. One of my favorite weekend getaway spots in Texas was San Antonio. Even though it’s still quite a bit inland from the border, it’s difficult to think of the term “border” as a black-and-white issue. Borders are lines, developed by mapmakers, politicians, and governments. But, had one visited San Antonio without any concept of borders or geography, it would be difficult to see where Mexico ends and Texas begins. And, from what I saw on Tony’s show, that seems to be true of many of the towns and villages in south Texas. So, for six and a half years, I had been experiencing some of the best in Tex-Mex cuisine that I will ever experience in my life, my thought was that nothing, anywhere else on earth, could possibly compare. This state of mind was further solidified by my time living in the northeast. There were very few Tex-Mex places in upstate New York, and, truth be told, I was never fond of the Tex-Mex places I want to, while living in New York. The food ranged from mediocre, (at best), to downright terrible. I remember spitting out this horrible, lime-green, salt-rimmed, sweet-and-sour slurry of shit called a margarita and thinking that the equation Spicy + Mexican = Aweful! All of this changed when I moved to Texas. I had a new look at Mexican; into a world of chorizo, jalapenos, carnitas, chipotle, and guacamole, and had an ethereal experience with a lady made up of the right blend of distilled, fermented agave, smooth orange liqueur, and tangy lime – Margarita! Of course, once one has gone through the path of enlightenment – prayed to the porcelain gods from having too much tequila, and cried the thousand tears of the Jalapeno, Serrano, and Habanero – it’s hard to go back to mediocrity. I was happy to gain the knowledge of what Tex-Mex is supposed to taste like, so that I can have that religious experience in my own home, but what of the Mexican restaurant? Could there possible be another place on earth (other than Texas and Mexico) where I could have this same culinary experience, especially in the Pacific Northwest? After almost two months of living in Seattle, K and I decided to give it a whirl. We went to the Cactus restaurant in Alki. The décor looked interesting enough with its nouveau Southwestern feel and the piped music got me in the mood for some hot salsa and a cold margarita. I started to feel like I was in a different world when we had to pay for our chips and salsa. Again, coming from a world where chips and salsa are as complimentary at a Mexican restaurant as bibs are at Red Lobster, I couldn’t help but cringe a little. The menu was just a little different than what I was used to in North Texas. Nothing odd, but just a little different. With little differences such as Navajo fry bread and blue corn tortillas, there was some Native American infusion that added a new wrinkle to what I had already been familiar with. But, I’m open to new things and ideas – So, bring it on! I was happy that I had finally been able to get over the mental leap, because it was wonderful, and K mentioned a certain comforting feeling about it all – It reminded her of home. I didn’t respond. I sat in silence, thinking about what K had just said. K had earlier, more positive experiences with Mexican cuisine in her life, and was referring to most of her life; but I was thinking of the past six and a half years. I thought of my first time at a Mexican restaurant in Texas, with a group of friends; I remembered going to the local cantina several times with friends for margaritas, sangrias, and chips and queso, before a night of bowling; and I remembered a wonderful Mexican dinner on July 4th, 2004 with our friends and seeing the restaurant packed with other families, choosing to have their Independence Day dinner at a Mexcian restaurant – and I remember having that same thought of “borders” that night. And I agreed with K. The Mexican cuisine was comforting and brought back memories of home. My Texas home.

And that’s how K and I found ourselves, sitting in a semi open-air restaurant, eating some great Native American infused Mexican while looking out onto the Puget Sound on a warm, sunny day. The combination of this was just…. weird. Sunny. Warm. Great Mexican food. These are words that a lot of people wouldn’t normally associate with Seattle, but it’s here and it’s wonderful!

2006-10-03T00:21:00.000-05:00

The First Month

2006-09-26T11:37:00.000-05:00

Mood: Angry (at myself)
Song: Elyslan Fields - Andre Ferlante
Units of Caffeine: 1

Forgive me, Father - It has been six weeks since my last blog...

This, of course will happen from time to time where I get so busy, lazy, blocked, or caught up in something that I don't write for long periods of time. And I always beat myself up for it. Believe me, it's not as if there has been a lack of things to write about. And, actually, I have been writing here and there - just using a different medium. But, I will include them in my blog sometime in the near future.

I am also angry because I started this morning by brewing a pot of coffee and toasting an English muffin. I poured myself the coffee and completely forgot about the muffin until I thought to myself: "I'm a little hungry. Didn't I just make something for myself?" And I turn around to see the English muffin that I had toasted an hour ago, still sitting in the toaster oven - cold. Yeah, and it was the last one. Oh well... other than that, it's a good morning.... I have the windows open; it's very mild outside; the sun is seeping into my apartment, and my cats are soaking in every once of it!

So, yes... a little over a month ago, (as my last entry predicted), we packed up our things and said goodbye to Texas. It was difficult leaving our wonderful house and fantastic friends. It was amazing how much momentum the move picked up once we were 24 to 48 hours away from "moving time". On the day before we left, I picked up the moving truck, which was a 28' beast with a 50-gallon deisel tank. A few hours after I picked up the truck, the team of guys I hired to load the truck came and did their thing. In temperatures in excess of 100 degrees F, they wrapped up all of our furniture; completely loaded the truck, and secured everything. Every square inch of the truck - front to back and top to bottom - was full of our stuff. I couldn't stop thinking: "How the hell are we going to fit all of this into a 2-bedroom apartment?" However, Monk reminded me that we had three days to not think about that. Whereas I'm not one to put worries like that on the back burner, he was right. Now was the time to say our final goodbyes and focus on the adventure of driving across the country.

Since there was nothing left to do at our house, (not even a TV to watch), we decided to eat, drink and just spend the rest of our evening at our regular haunt. It was nice to sit, drink, and just breath after what seemed like an endless period of packing and planning. After being there for a while, it seemed to get to a time where every rehearsal in town got out as all of our theatre friends trickled into the pub. Again, it was nice to say that one final 'goodbye'. We stayed at Dr. L's that night and although we hadn't left yet, it was the first night where I truly felt like I didn't live in Texas anymore. I felt like a friend from out of town, just staying for a night or two - and hey, that's exactly what I was. The next morning, K and I woke up and went back to our house to shower and pick up the cats. Dr. L stayed at her house where she and Monk got ready for the trip. K and I showered, got dressed, packed up or threw out all the little things that were left in the house and then stood there in the middle of our empty house. The house had that sound that all living spaces have, (be it a dorm, apartment or house), when it is uninhabited - It's a depressing, hollow sound where every noise bounces off the emptyness that fills the space. I started to get melancholy and my mind flooded with memories of the excitement we felt when we first saw the house; the wonderful parties we hosted; the few, but significant home improvements that we made; that overwhelming, indescribable feeling that we had that "this was our house"; and the bi-polar feeling of joy and sadness K and I had when we sold it. It was time to go - We loaded the cats into the car and both of us locked the door for the last time. All of this made the start of our journey a few hours late. This ended up impacting our trip a bit more than we had imagined, which brings me to....

The Move - Day 1
August 15th - Adrenaline was pumping and excitement was in the air. Because our older cat, Ronin was always difficult in cars, we gave him a mild sedative as was prescribed by our vet and put him in the truck with K and me while Monk and Dr. L were in the car with our younger cat, Zoe, who always fell asleep in the car. So, we begin our journey... I was still getting used to driving a massive moving truck, which would amplify every little bump and imperfection in the road; K was in a bad mood because, although we gave him the sedative, Ronin wouldn't shut up because the truck was bouncing all over the place. We couldn't find the batteries for the CD player that we brought along and we made a bit a mess while trying to open some snacks (since we hadn't had any breakfast.) Oh, and did I mention that I didn't have any coffee and was still trying to get the feel of driving the truck? So, to recap: No music. No coffee. New driving experience. Howling cat. And K and I are yelling at each other. And we hadn't even gotten out of Texas yet.

We stopped for lunch somewhere in Oklahoma and decided that it would be best to put Ronin in the car with Zoe, Monk, and Dr. L with the assumption that Ronin was having difficulties because the truck was so sensative to bumps. Lunch took the edge off, but there was still tension in the air. Emotions were high since we were leaving our house, our friends, the theatre we had grown to love, (even with all of its imperfections), and our general security. We were headed into the great unknown, on top of which, it was K's birthday - a fact that I will repeat to highlight certain aspects of the first day of our trip. I will start with the fact that, due to so much excitement in the air about driving across the country, no one wished K a "Happy Birthday" until later in the trip when, although it wasn't, the sentiment felt forced.

The scenery on this first day was also a little less than exciting. We were driving from Dallas to Denver, through Oklahoma, Kansas, and, of course, eastern Colorado - not the most scenic part of the country. In fact, the most interesting part was driving through the flint hills of Kansas. Other than that, we were all just cheering as we got to the state lines because it indicated that we were just one state closer to Washington. By about 5 p.m., we were still in central Kansas and realized very quickly that we would not be getting into Denver at our planned time of 8 p.m. Upon further calculation, we figured that we would be rolling into Denver at around 12 midnight. Of course, this was very upsetting - It had already felt like a very long day, the drive had gotten extremely boring, and it pretty much killed my plans of having dinner with a friend of mine from high school who had moved out there. By 6 p.m., we were all pretty hungry and in the middle of nowhere. We stopped at the first non-scary truck stop we could find and, along with filling up the 50-gallon diesel tank for the umpteenth time that day, we got Subway for dinner. Just a little tid-bit about filling up the truck: Every time I did it... Every time I filled up the 50-gallon tank, spending $3+ per gallon on a truck that got about 10 miles to the gallon, I would say the same thing: "God, my ass hurts!" It would also take a bit of time to fill up the 50-gallon tank, so I would do other things in the meantime, like attempting to clean the windshield of all the bugs we splattered along the way. I say "attempt" because, realize, it was a truck, and the windshield was so high that, unless there was a broomstick attached to the windshield squeegie, I couldn't clean it all. So... here we all are at this truck stop in Bumfuck, Kansas - I'm filling up the truck and everyone else is getting Subway. And, oh by the way, the town we stopped in reaked of manure. It wouldn't have been such a problem standing inside the sub shop, but I was standing outside, by the fuel pump. I finish filling up and get a sub for myself while everyone else gets in their respective vehicles and eats. When I get back into the truck with K, I can tell again that she is not in the best of moods, and who would? I mean, here it was - her birthday; up until now, no one had acknowledged it (including her parents), she had been stuck in a truck or car all day, and was eating a Subway sandwich in a town that smelled of shit for her birthday dinner. I tried, unsuccessfully, to lighten the mood. Because I wasn't succeeding, I got frustrated with myself and projected it onto K by yelling at her. Yeah, that really improved things! Not too much later, K's parents called and yelled at her. You see, we had all agreed that we would call them as soon as we got into Denver. Well, as I said earlier, we were running late, so we didn't call around the time that we said we'd be in Denver. It was getting late, which was even later back in Texas, and so K's parents wanted to go to bed. Instead of syaing "Happy Birthday," they said things like, "Why aren't you in Denver yet?" Again, this really didn't help lighten the mood at all. We rolled into Denver at midnight, (as we had calculated earlier) and here's where the day should have ended. I should be wrapping up this paragraph and beginning the descriptions of Day 2, but, as you can see, I'm not. We checked into the room and unloaded all of our things which included our trip luggage and valuables that we were bringing with us in the truck and car. The process of unloading/loading the vehicles each night took about twenty minutes. Upon unloading the vehicles and wanting nothing more than to climb into bed, K notices that there is a rather large hole in the wall in the bathroom. Normally we wouldn't worry about such things, but keep in mind that we are travelling with two cats who, upon leaving their carriers, ran right to the hole, as if they knew exactly there it was. We tried covering the hole with various pieces of luggage and such, but the cats, (who are much smarter than they let on), would dig and claw their way through the luggage. So, K calls the front desk and explains the problem: "There is a big hole in the wall, and our cats can get into..." The front desk clerk immediately interrupts with, "You have cats with you!?!?" and proceeds to rip into K that we should have called and requested a special "pet room," and makes an indication that they might not have one available. Of course, this is NOT the thing we want to hear at what is now close to 1 in the morning, especially after the day we've had. I am extremely annoyed at this point because before booking the hotels in Denver and Boise, I had called the reservation numbers and specifically asked about their pet policies. I made reservations at the Comfort Inn in Denver and the Shilo Inn in Boise. Representatives from BOTH of these places told me the same thing: "We are a pet friendly hotel. No special requests are necessary." Now, if I had just assumed the hotel took pets and didn't ask any questions or anything, I would be upset with myself for this ordeal, but as it was, I did everything that I was supposed to do, and NOW there was an issue!?!?! We told the front desk attendant that we booked the hotel through Hotels.com, which listed the Comfort Inn as being "pet friendly," and, just to be sure nothing more needed to be done, I called their corporate reservations number and confirmed that the hotel was "pet friendly" and nothing more needed to be done. To this, the front desk attendant told me that they didn't have a corporate office and never to use Hotels.com again. (Since this ordeal took place, I wrote a letter to Comfort Inn's corporate office - yeah, the one the front desk guy told me they didn't have - with a carbon copy to Hotels.com and the Comfort Inn in Denver.) At the time, though, all we wanted to do was get some sleep. So, K, who was the one who had to deal with the moron at the front desk, just nodded her head, got a key for the "pet room" and off we went - unloading one room and loading another. We got into bed and turned out the lights, which was immediately followed by a lound banging noise from the A/C. All we could do at that point was laugh.

The Move - Day 2
August 16th - This day was much better than the first. From the start, I knew it was going to be better. I got up early, showered and stepped out into a beautiful, mild, sunlit day and made my way to the local Starbucks for a much-needed cup of java. Since I was driving east, towards the Starbucks, I didn't notice the glory that was behind me until I headed back to the hotel to meet up with everyone else. I have seen the Rockies numerous times - and I drove through them in the summer of 2000, when I moved to Las Vegas from NY. But, every time I see them, I am still in awe of how amazing they are. When I got back to the hotel with my coffee, everyone else was up and ready to go. So, off we went, headed toward Boise for the second leg of our trip. I don't know if it was that we started off on a better foot; if it was because I had a cup of coffee in the morning; or if it just the welcome change in scenery, but everyone was in much better spirits that morning. K did the majority of driving that day, driving through most of Wyoming, all of Utah, and a bit of Idaho. I was glad to finally show Utah to everybody. I drove through southern Utah when moving to Vegas, and concluded that Utah was the most underrated, most beautiful state in the union. Everyone thought that I was high on crack for making such a statement, but I think it to be true, and K, Dr. L, and Monk all agreed with me after driving through the northern portion on the way to Idaho. Idaho, on the other hand, was pretty uneventful. It wasn't flat - but just dry and desolate. What was eventful was that there were some massive problems with wildfires. It seemed as if the whole state was on fire since we would drive for hours through some rather smokey patches. Also, soon after crossing the Utah/Idaho border, we realized that, even though we started out on time in Denver, we were again, four hours behind schedule and we ended up getting into Boise pretty late. Not as late as Denver, but still pretty late. The Shilo Inn in Boise was a much better experience than Denver's Comfort Inn. (In fact, to avoid a repeat of the previous night, we called ahead and made damn sure that there was nothing that needed to be done. The representative said the same thing I heard all along: "We are a 'pet friendly' hotel. There is nothing that needs to be done." I was still a little worried, but there weren't any problems.) In fact, the room was HUGE, including a kitchenette and full-sized couch, AND was a fraction of the price of the Comfort Inn. (Probably because more people are going to Denver than to Boise.) So, aside from getting in later than anticipated, Day 2 was a success!

The Move - Day 3
August 17th - The final day. Because we had to be in Seattle at a certain time in order to complete all of our paperwork for the apartment and meet up with the guys I hired to unload our truck, we got an very early start. We were up at 5 and out by 6 and we hauled ass. Well, as much as one can haul ass in a fully loaded 28' moving truck. When we got into Oregon, driving was a bit more of a challenge. MUCH more so than I had anticipated with driving through the Rockies, (which wasn't bad at all, really.) The terrain through the northeast portion of Oregon is very interesting with lots of twists, turns, bends, forests, hills, and mountains. I think I would have enjoyed it more were I not driving the 28' beast. At one point, we went down a rather steep mountain. It was so steep that, in order to decrease the grade, the engineers designed the highway to wrap around and spiral down the mountain. Even then, the grade was so steep that I kept the speed under 25 mph. Despite having to slow down every ten minutes or so due to the terrain, we were still making really good time and crossed the Oregon/Washington border before noon. We came into Washington from the southeast. We were excited to be in our new home state, but it looked nothing like what we were used to seeing in our previous visits to Seattle. I soon learned that pretty much everything east of the Cascade mountains is dry and depressing. However, when we got to the Cascades, our excitement peaked again. It was the highlight of the trip! We stopped at a rest stop to take it all in and took advantage of the free coffee Washington state provides at many of their rest stops. I was in an environment that was the exact opposite of Texas: Cool, Sunny, and Mountainous. (Well, okay, it's sunny in Texas, but it ain't the kind of sun that you want to step into lest you want to be directly in the scorching heat.) The rest stop was about 100 miles from Seattle, so we got back into our vehicles and made our next stop "Home"! All during those last hundred miles, we were all running on pure adrenaline. K and I were on the western-most point of I-90, the same interstate we drove on so many times when living in NY state, and we were almost at its terminus in Seattle. We got into the city around 3 in the afternoon and soon remembered what the roads were like in Seattle. For those of you who don't know, Seattle is kind of like a San Fansisco wannbe with its steep hills and narrow streets. In fact, the most challenging parts of the entire trip were driving up the hill before our street with a 19% grade and down the narrow street that we live on. The hill is so steep that the truck slowed down to 3 mph, and I thought for sure we were going to stall and roll backwards down the quarter-mile hill. Thankfully we didn't, but the hairs on my skin still stood on end when I had to drive the beast down a narrow street. And as if the street wasn't challenging enough, there were cars parked on both sides of it! I drove down the street at a painfully slow speed and will never know how I didn't sideswipe any of the cars I passed. I am already thinking of our next move and am very thankful that it will be an in-town move because I will be getting a much smaller truck and making multiple trips rather than tempting fate again.

We got into our apartment, which was really nice for an apartment that we got sight-unseen. It's got a bit of space, it's clean, it has a lot of natural light, has a beautiful view of Queen Anne hill and the Cascades, and it has a nice view of Mt. Rainier's crown. We're still working out some kinks as to how to get a 3-bedroom house into a 2-bedroom apartment, but, other than that things are okay. K got a really nice job within a week of being here and Monk got a job about a week or two later. I am still searching and have much to write on the subject, but that will have to keep for another blog. In the meantime, I keep myself busy. Although I'm between jobs, I have yet to be bored - I have found lots of things to do and, within our first month of being here, my father has visited and my in-laws are coming later this week. These things also keep me occupied.

So, I think I've gotten up to date. Well, as much as I can in a single sitting anyway. I've got lots to write about, so I'm sure I won't stay away from the blog for too long. It's good to be back!

One Week

2006-08-08T06:56:00.000-05:00

Mood: Waking
Song: Love Song - The Cure
Units of Caffeine: .5
Days Until "M" Day: 7

One week from now the moving truck will be loaded, K, Dr. L and the nutcase, (who I will now refer to as "Monk"), will be fueling ourselves with breakfast before we head off to the Pacific Northwest. It's funny - The closer we get to "M" Day, the faster time seems to fly. Last night, I got my hair cut, ran an errand, made dinner, and packed up more of the abyss that is the kitchen, and next thing I new, it was 10:00. I guess the difficult thing is fitting everything in this week. We had our goodbye party this past Saturday, but there are those people who couldn't be there, or couldn't stay long, or that we just want to see again one last time before we go. We're still packing and getting last-minute things for the move. And this is our last week of work, so we're all trying to tie up lose ends there.

I have mixed feelings about leaving work. There have been some crappy times, but, on the whole, it's been a great job. I mean, I complain one thing ot another every once in a while, but there are a lot of my friends who have some shitty, shitty jobs. Comparitively, I work in the garden of Eden. And not just that, but my boss and co-workers have been amazingly supportive of me with everything that I have done, from doing community theatre shows to completing my Masters thesis - I remember the day when my thesis project went down the toilet and I needed to wipe the board clean and start at square one - My co-workers bought me a cake and a card to tell me that I'll get through all of this. I've been working with these people for nearly five years; the longest time I've held a full-time job. I'm going to really miss these people.

The party on Saturday was a little emotional, too. Not so much when people were at the party - but after the party, when everyone had left. A LOT of people came. In that one night we saw exactly how many people touched our lives in the past five years - It was very heartwarming. Monk has been writing in his blog about our bipolar nature right now: jumping between excitement about Seattle and the sadness of saying goodbye to our friends, and he divided "M" Day into two parts: The Leave and The Move. The Move is going to be fun and exciting - The Leave is going to be really difficult.

2006-08-02T16:49:00.000-05:00

Mood: Surreal
Song: Siuil a Run
Units of Caffeine: 4
Days Until "M" Day: 13

Sheesh, it’s been a long time since I blogged – and, as always, it’s not for a lack of wanting. I am less than two weeks away from moving day and the reality of it hasn’t quite settled in yet. You would think that reality would have smacked me in the face a long time ago, when K & I sold our house, or even earlier, when the “For Sale” sign was put in the front of our house. Even as I sit in my office which gets more and more barren with each passing day, as I take personal items home, it still hasn’t hit me. I feel very surreal – kind of like an out of body experience. I guess I’m too busy to really dwell on what’s going to happen. Between packing and the everyday bustle of work at my job, I can barely plan ahead enough to think about what I’m going to have for dinner, let alone plan out the next two weeks. I’ve had to put the job search on hold just because I don’t have the time to focus on it, and believe me, I need the time to focus on it. Proof of this came last week in the form of a phone interview. A perspective employer left a message on my answering machine for me to call and schedule a time to have a phone interview. I called, expecting to set up a time, but instead, I found myself floundering my way through what had to be one of the worst interviews of my life. I wasn’t prepared mentally or physically. In the meantime, my life is just all about working and packing – packing and working. I’ve spent the last few days working on the kitchen, which HAS to be the worst room to pack: It not only feels like an endless stream of crap to pack, but almost everything has to be individually wrapped. I am in hopes of finishing it up tonight.

This morning, I woke up insanely early for some reason, which gave me some time to catch up on some blog reading. There is a friend of mine who began a year-long adventure in Hong Kong about three weeks ago. She said that there is a fine line between worry and excitement, and I couldn’t agree more. I find myself wavering between these two emotions a lot. Something else that I have in common with this friend is that I really want to document this adventure in my life. Six years ago, I took the bold step of moving away from my home town. Hell, I did much more than that – I moved out of my home state, across the country to Las Vegas. Although my time in Vegas turned out to be one of the lowest times in my life, it was an amazing journey (both figuratively and literally). I drove out there with a friend of mine, (whom I haven’t seen since), and I remember having deep conversations while seeing some of the most incredible sights this country has to offer. I did not have a camera, nor was I really into my journal writing at the time – So, I have no documentation of the trip. I cannot tell you how much that upsets me.

But looking ahead to this new journey; I think about how much cooler it’s going to be. You see, I was going through a really emotional time when I went to Las Vegas – I was heartbroken; moving with no direction*; and just “empty.” (*There is both a figurative and literal interpretation to this as well – My friend and I got onto the NY State Thruway and, in our haste, forgot a map and had no clue where we were going other than “west”). With this journey, however, I have found my compass. I am not going to Seattle because life threw me there. For the first time in my life, I am moving somewhere because I WANT to move there. And the best part – I get to share this journey with K. There were several places that I stopped, on my way to Vegas; places where, as Forrest Gump put it, I couldn't tell where heaven stopped and the earth began. At almost every minute of that trip, I had wished that K were with me. And now she is.

I found my compass.

The Search Is On

2006-06-25T10:36:00.000-05:00

K & I are a week into our contract period; the inspections on our house have been done; and so far things are going well. That is to say, we haven't heard anything, and no news is good news. With this big piece of the puzzle nearing completion, I decided this past week to begin the job hunt and started working on my resume and cover letter. With all the research I have done in resume and cover letter writing, I have decided that it is not experience that gets you in the door for an interview, but rather how well you can masturbate the English language. So far I have spent no fewer than eight hours working on my resume; becoming a master at using action verbs and making my work history sound truly amazing. I'm not lying on my resume - I truly think that is flirting with disaster - I wrote down exactly what I have been doing and what I have done over the past ten years or so, but it's really amazing what a handful of action verbs and a dash of personal detail can do to make you sound like Mr. or Mrs. Fantastic.

Right now I'm going out for a program coordinator position within the Nonprofit Leadership program at Seattle University. Among other things, the person in this position would advise, recruit, and advise students within the program as well as develop new ideas for the program. I think this is a fantastic opportunity to bridge my skills in higher education administration with my knowledge of nonprofit management and administration. Yes, it's only one job (so far), but I don't know how one can write a resume without a goal in mind. This job is my motivator. It would be really sweet if I got this position, but I have never gotten the first job I've looked at within my search, so I'm not getting my hopes up. Again, this is not to say that I'm not working my ass off to get it - But with my job search being long distance, already the odds are against me - So, I'm looking at this is my motivation to write and fine-tune my resume and cover letter - The first of many dress rehearsals.

My goal is to have three or four objective-specific resumes, including theatre, higher ed, and office management, completed by Wednesday (at the latest) and immediately going into an aggressive job hunt. I feel like I'm going into unknown waters and I'm scared to death. I'm begging each of you to send some positive energy my way.

Java Jive

2006-06-21T10:34:00.000-05:00

Mood: Fuzzy
Song: N/A
Units of Caffeine: 3

Merriam Webster defines coffee as a beverage made by percolation, infusion, or decoction from the roasted and ground seeds of a coffee plant. Pretty simple, eh? There's no rocket science to it or anything. So, how is it possible that someone can take a pretty simple procedure and make some god-awful brown liquid that doesn't deserve to be labeled as a beverage, let alone 'coffee'?

Stress & Everything

2006-06-19T10:47:00.000-05:00

Mood: Completely stressed out
Song: When I'm With You - Sheriff
Units of Caffeine: 1

If you remember from my last blog entry, I said that the only thing K & I were worried about with the sale of our house was that it would sell quickly. I mean, sure, all of the data indicated that it would sell in 60 to 90 days, but both K & I had a huge gut feeling that it would be much sooner than that. We were only into our first week of the house being on the market and still working on home improvement projects last week when we received our first offer. After about 24 hours of negotating, we have unoficially sold our beautiful home. That is to say, we are in the contract period where the potential buyers get the house inspected; do their financial paperwork; and simply have a little time to think about it to make sure that this is the house they want to buy. If all goes well, the house will be sold by the end of this month/beginning of next month and K & I will be headed to Seattle on August 15th. This has happened so quickly that K & I are both suffering from a little emotional whiplash. We both cried when the buyers accepted our final counteroffer. I mean, we are very ready to leave Texas - We're sick of the seemingly endless hot, hot summers and a lot of the stupid politics of this place, but K & I cannot deny that the renaissance of our relationship started here. We have made the most of our time here; made some really good friends; and bought an absolutely beautiful home. We love our house. Other than its location, there is absolutely nothing that we do not like about our house. So, to just sell something we love so much is extremely emotional for us.

To top things off, one of our aforementioned Texan friends; one of the most loving people I have ever met; passed away last Friday. Because I've been so busy at work and dealing with house issues, it didn't fully settle in until last night. I didn't get much sleep last night. My mind was running at 300 miles per second and I couldn't shut it off. I was thinking of my friend's passing; thinking of selling the house; thinking of the final steps that need to be accomplished before we close on the house; thinking of finding a job; thinking of how I'm going to find a place to live. I have very little time to deal with all of this and I don't think I have ever felt more stress.

The End of the Beginning

2006-06-10T09:23:00.000-05:00

With three and a half months to "M" Day, K & I decided to get a realtor last week to discuss the sale of our house. We were presented with pie charts, graphs and statistical data of the housing market in our area and, after a few hours of talking with and quesitoning the realtor, we made a decision. After a week of non-stop work, hiring contractors to fix up little odds and ends; hiring a landscaper to make the yard and flower beds look nice; packing up 25% to 30% of the house, and cleaning, cleaning, CLEANING our house is officially on the market.

Really, the only thing that K and I are worried about is the house selling too soon. We made our decision to put the house on the market now based on data that indicated the houses like ours in our neghborhood take between 60 and 90 days to sell, (not including the 30-day contract period.) Of course, we're not stupid - K and I have a contingency plan in case our house sells sooner than expected. Although the sale of our house, packing, moving, and finding jobs and housing long distance is a logistical nightmare, it's not too bad. What's bad is my in-laws constantly telling K & I how we're doing everything wrong. We've both received sermons via e-mail telling us that we've priced our house too low; we're selling our house too soon; we're moving too fast towards our goal of "M" Day; etc. I guess I hate this because it makes the assumption that K and I are really stupid. So stupid, in fact, that we wouldn't have done any research to determine when to put our house on the market and at what price to sell it. I also don't understand this thought that we are moving "too fast". As I said, "M" Day is just about three months away and those three months will be gone before we know it. Of course, the mid-September date is soft. There is no reason, (as of right now) that K & I HAVE to move in mid-September, but what is the point of making a goal if you're not going to aim for it?

One Step Closer

2006-05-31T13:58:00.000-05:00

Mood: Overwhelemed
Song: Midnight Voyage - Michael Brecker
Units of Caffeine: 5

"M" Day.

It's about three and a half months away and K and I are really starting to feel the adreneline rush right now. Not only do we have so much to do; but we're not exactly sure of the process. I mean, it's easy to say we need to sell our house, get jobs and then move our asses up to Seattle. But do you know what that entails? I mean it! Do you know what that entails? How much time, energy and money that involves???

I think K and I are doing well - I mean, it's taking a while to get the ball rolling; but it's a pretty large ball and it is moving. K and I just need to remember to breath slowly and NOT look at the big picture. Looking at the big picture of this thing is like being on a tightrope suspended over the Sears Tower and looking straight down.

The good news is that we have a budget. Up until now we just had a pile of money and the vague goal of moving. Now it feels that much more realistic - To actually see how much we're investing in this adventure. Gawd, am I ready!

When Will This End

2006-05-30T18:58:00.000-05:00

I was talking with my friend, Lestat this afternoon and we started talking about books we're reading this summer. (Ah! Summer reading!) Last summer I was so busy with planning my thesis project that I didn't have time to read anything for pleasure. I'm reading Michael Crichton's State of Fear right now, but I started thinking about all the other books that I want to read that I never got a chance to do over the past four or five years. And as I began thinking, Lestat rattled off this list of theatre books and plays he is reading. And as he did that, the first thought that came to my mind was, "Why would you want to read about that!?" But, I remember when I was like Lestat - When I just couldn't soak up enough knowledge about theatre - I enjoyed it SO much - I never had time to read books because I was reading so many plays; and I didn't mind that. Now I just don't want to do it. I felt so burned out this past December, when I completed my Masters program; but I thought that I would lose this feeling in one, maybe two, months. But here I am - almost six months later, and I still feel so utterly drained, artistically speaking. When will this feeling end? I have all this education, but now I don't want to do anything with it.

I fear that I will never get this passion back.

The Return

2006-05-28T11:00:00.000-05:00

Back
Originally uploaded by Dr Dex.

The doctor is in!

I cannot believe that it has been over a month since my last blog entry. I used to be so much better than this - I enjoy writing and want to keep up with it, so I disciplined myself to write a little each day - Well, if not each day, at least each week. I've just gotten lazy. There is nothing, other than that. My vacation was great, but ever since then, I've just had this "don't care" attitude about everything as of late. I think this just goes along with the idea that I'm just ready to get out and move on - I'm ready for the next chapter in my life - I'm BEYOND ready - I want it to happen NOW.

So, it's Memorial Day weekend and nothing's up. (Not that there always is or anything), but still, there is the desire to get out and do something. The problem, however, is the severe lack of finances in which to do anything. Friday night, I kicked off the three day weekend by hosting one of my semi-regular fondue evenings. I like doing this three or four times a year - Just getting a small group of friends over and having a little intellectual discussion; all while eating and drinking ourselves silly. And last night K and I did something that we hadn't done since being in college in the northeast: We went to a drive-in movie. I had forgotten how much I enjoy them. I had a great time - Just relaxing in the summer air, not having to worry about some shit kicking the back of my seat, watching the ultimate in large screen movies, while chowing down on Taco Bell. I MUST do that more often...

Today is Sunday and, with the exception of my obligatory dinner plans with the in-laws, there isn't anything planned. Perhaps more lounging around is in order - But, as anyone who knows me can tell you, even when I'm being lazy, I'm not being lazy. Sure, I haven't blogged in a while, and I have had an ambivilent attitude towards everything lately, but I still can't get myself to just sit down and do nothing. I'm constantly cleaning the house or making something in the kitchen or doing research on something or fucking around with my computer that has recently decided to stop working... The list goes on and on. Right now I'm looking for something to do tomorrow, and I am reminded of what I used to do when living in the northeast... I used to play trombone professionally. I played in a variety of bands, one of which was a marching band that hired themselves out for parade gigs. I know that this doesn't sound all that lucrative and also doesn't sound like there would be much demand for it, but between summer holidays, fireman field days, and random small town events - I would play between 30 and 40 parades a summer. No, it didn't pay enough to pay the bills, but it gave me a little extra cash here and there. So, I would play two or three parades on Memorial Day weekend, one of them being in the morning of Memorial Day, and then my family and I would pack up some picnic goodies and we'd make our annual trak up to a park on Lake Ontario. It was nothing big or fancy or anything like that, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. It signified the beginning of summer NY - the carefree days of BBQ, beer and hanging out. It was (or at least seemed like) the first day of the year in which it was actually warm enough to have a picnic - and some years, with temperatures in the high 50s, it was a bit of a stretch - but we still did it. And, most importantly, it was the one and only event that my family ever did regularly as a family.

Patience

2006-04-24T07:00:00.002-05:00

Mood: Meh
Song: Praying for Time - George Michael
Units of Caffeine: 0.5
Days Until Vacation: 5

Right now I'm waiting - Waiting to get my hair cut. Waiting for my vacation to begin. Waiting to move. Waiting for the next chapter of my life to begin.

I have never been very good with waiting. Many people tell me that I have a lot of patience, and I like to believe that I do - but, with regards to waiting - not so much. Because I feel that I am in a constant state of waiting right now, and due to a bunch of other stress in my life, I have becomes rather bithcy, mean and bitter. I have noticed myself projecting so much of these attitudes onto other people, and it's so out of character with me. I keep saying statements like, "One week until I'm on vacation!" and "I can't wait for this vacation!" over and over again. It is, without a doubt, something that K and I both need. K is under a great deal of stress as well and, whenever it happens where the planets align in such a way that both of us are under stress, sparks fly. It will be so nice to decompress in a few days.

But then I begin to worry about things beyond the vacation. This vacation is what's keeping me going right now - It's my only bit of motivation. The next thing I have to look forward to won't happen for several more months. Thus I have come to a decision: I am going to plan for several weekend trips during the summer. Of course, they won't be as amazing and decedant as the cruise, but it will be several ways for me and K to just get away from our everyday lives; to not just be within the monotenous day-to-day pattern; and, most importantly, to give us little things to look forward to in order to keep our motivation and spirits up.

In the mean time, I need everyone to send lots of positive energy my way in order to keep from killing anyone prior to my vacation.

My Weekly Blog

2006-04-18T06:35:00.000-05:00

Mood: Tired
Song: Someday - Glass Tiger
Units of Caffeine: 0
Days Until Vacation: 11

I'm extremely tired and haven't had my morning fix of filtered, ground Columbian goodness yet, so please excuse anything that reads weird. You know, it's sad that I have gotten to a point in my life where writing has taken such a back burner in my life that I only do it every week or so. I'm sure that there aren't as many people reading this damn thing anymore - but that isn't as important to me as it is for me to actually sit down and write. During the day, I am completely saturated with work, and at night I come home so exhausted and drained that all I want to do is fall asleep. I usually take a short nap when I come home, but then I get up and do what seems to be the neverending task of housework. I am putting my house on the market within the next couple of months, so I'm making a conascious effort to clean, organize, and throw things out. Taking on this task is also pretty freaking exhausting. Since K and I are focusing our energies into cleaning and perparing for an eventual garage sale, we've decided to hire some contractors to take on some of the home improvement projects that need to be done to ensure a smooth sale. Right now were just getting a bunch of estimates and bids and we'll begin the actual work when we get back from our vacation.

Vacation - Now there's something that I can't get my mind off of right now. For the past week and a half all I can do is read about the places K & I will be going within some of the spare seconds I have within the day.

Punishment for the Reliable, Proficient Worker

2006-04-10T08:22:00.000-05:00

Mood: Still waking up
Song: The Lazarus Heart - Sting
Units of Caffeine: 2
Days Until Vacation: 19

As I was logging into Blogger this morning, I had this image of me walking into a house - exhausted, tired and beat - while Blogger was sitting on the couch, looking at me with an accusing look, asking, "Well, well, well.... And where exactly have you been?"

Gawd, how things in the office have changed! I remember when there was a time that I really liked my job: It gave me so much flexibility and my boss was so supportive with everything that I did. Well, my boss is still very supportive, but just doesn't have an effing clue how much she is making my life miserable. Over the past x years that I have worked here, I have proven myself to be extremely responsible; so much so that my boss has relied on me to do a lot of tasks that fall outside of my typical job description. Until recently, I've never really minded picking up these added tasks - I'm not one to just stick my nose up at some added work and say, "That's not my job." I guess I am very team-oriented that way. But, as they say, there is no "I" in team. So, when I'm getting relied upon to carry the majority of the responsibilities associated with the office, while others around me come in late; leave early; jerk around and not do anything to pull their weight - You can see how this can really rub me the wrong way. Over the past few weeks, I have been asked to put in some overtime hours (read: compensated with comp time; not overtime pay), and stay late to cover the closing shift. Initially, I didn't really mind too much because (a) I knew it would be a temporary thing and (b) It gave me added time in which to try to catch up on my seemingly bottomless in-box full of work. This week will be week number four of helping out with the closing shift. I have noticed that no-one else has been asked to cover the closing shift, and I'm pretty sure I know why - I've noticed that, (aside from my boss), I am the only one who comes in on time. I have also noticed that I am the least likely to call in late or sick. (I think for every one time I call in sick; my colleagues call in 4 or 5 times). So, I feel that because I am the only one who seems to be responsible, that my boss relies on me and only me to do all the added tasks. Therefore, I am being punished for being a really good worker. And as for the whole "comp time" thing - I don't see what the point is of getting comp time when I am given little to no opportunity to use it. Just the other day, I was running a little late and called my boss to let her know I would be 5 or 10 minutes late, (which is still considered "early" as compared to my colleagues.) And she said that she was worried for a moment that I was calling in sick and even went so far as to say, "...the office just doesn't run without you." Had she said something like this a year or two ago, I think I would have been flattered - but now, it's just further proof of how much I am depended upon. I have never heard my boss say that to any of the other staff. They just call in and my boss says, "Okay," and it's done. And almost every time I have called in sick, I've been called by my boss and/or co-workers about various things; (this has also happened the last three times I've been on vacation). No one would ever think about calling any of the other staff if/when they call in sick or are on vacation. One of the things I am looking forward to with the upcoming cruise I am taking is just being cut off from the rest of the world. And one of the things I am looking forward to this fall is leaving.

So Much To Do - So Little Time

2006-03-27T16:06:00.000-06:00

Mood: Crazy
Song: Nothing
Units of Caffeine: 4
Days Until Vacation: 33

I hate this - I have TONS to write about and absolutely NO time in which to do it. Believe me, I have enough subject matter on my trip home to fill several more parts of "Coming Home," but where is the time?

Due to so many people quitting my workplace (to move on to bigger and better things), I am the only one who has a clue as to how the office is run. Obviously, my boss must think the same since I am absolutely flooded with work. I go home and am either exhausted from the day or find housework that needs to be done - In either case, I am left with little to no time in which to write. And lately, I am thinking of things to write about several times per day - but with no freaking time in which to do it!

Ugh! Well, back to the grind stone. I will write more soon - Provided I can come up for air anytime soon!

*The great news is that my travel documents for my cruise came in the mail today. Sure, I can see these documents on-line at any time - But getting them in the mail... It just makes the vacation that much closer and real.

Coming Home - Pt. 1

2006-03-19T11:55:00.000-06:00

Mood: Somber
Song: Caoineadh na Mara – Celtic Requiem
Units of Caffeine: 3
Days Until Vacation: 41

The Old Homestead

I am back from my trip to the Empire State and all I can say is that this past week has felt a bit surreal. My father was at the airport to greet me when I flew in late last Sunday night. It’s kind of funny – I wasn’t surprised by the fact that my mother wasn’t there to greet me as much as I was surprised that either of my parents were there at all. They both knew I was renting a car, so I was pretty much expecting to fly in; grab my car; drive to my parents’ house; let myself; have a drink and go to sleep. I didn’t even expect my parents to be awake when I got in. So, seeing my father at the airport was a nice surprise.

I got into the Saturn Ion rental and was immediately pissed off that some asshole designer in General Motors decided to put the speedometer, gas gauge, etc… in the middle of the dashboard. After years and years and years of conditioning the typical American motorist to look straight down, above the steering wheel – why on earth would anyone change the layout of the dash? It took a little getting used to, but then I turned on the radio to one of my favorite local radio stations and headed to my parents. As I was driving the all-too-familiar roads, it was hard to believe that I had been away for over two years. It also felt very strange that K wasn’t with me. We’re not attached at the hip or anything; that is to say, I don’t feel obligated to do everything I do with her – But I almost always travel with her; especially if it’s going back to our home state to visit; a city in which we both hold so many memories. And, as I was driving through my home town, it was just hard to think that I don’t live there anymore. That idea was cemented when I walked into my parents’ house. I initially wrote a passage about how much my parents’ house has changed over the years – but that’s not accurate. My parents are very resistant to change – they are very comfortable with how they live, no matter how uncomfortable it might be. I will say that the change that has occurred has come from their resistance to change, if that makes any sense at all. I guess the accurate description of my parents’ house would be “more of the same.” Growing up, my brother and I would always poke fun at the fact that my father never threw anything away. He had bookshelves, file cabinets and banker’s boxes full of everything and anything since 1960: from important financial records to small notes that my brother or I had written, reminding someone to pick up a quart of milk on the way home from work in 1982. The joke has now become an annoyance to anyone who steps into my parents’ house. And it’s not only my father, but my mother, (who is worse) at collecting things. They are the king and queen of all pack rats. Their house is cluttered to the point where one cannot walk around with almost stepping on something; there are very few places to sit down because every single flat surface in that house, (including chairs) has something on it. And to top it all off, a thick layer of dust coats everything in the house, making it look like a mom-and-pop operated antique shop in which everything has been draped with a thin veil. My parents have not changed – they have just become more of who they are and, in doing so, the house has become less and less like the home in which I grew up and more and more like a storage facility in which my parents live. Nay, not live – reside. It is impossible to “live” in their house. Over the past few days, I have looked at old photographs of my brother and I from the late 70s and early 80s, just to remind myself how the house once looked. My mother took over my old bedroom, painted in a color which I choose to called “Pepto-Bismol Pink,” and turned it into her office. I use the term “office” loosely as an office is usually defined as a place in which one completes work. Due to stacks and stacks of clutter, there is very little room in which to do work. My brother’s old bedroom, which always seemed small, has gotten smaller. My parents have converted this room into something I never thought imaginable: a living area, completed with a full-sized futon and television. However, the room is so small, (and also cluttered with knick-knacks) that when you sit on the futon, the TV is pretty much directly in front of you. The living room houses an unfinished harpsichord bought by my mother about a decade ago, (which, due to my mother’s short attention span, will never be finished) – instead, it sits there – taking up what little space is in the living room; collecting dust; and acting as yet another flat surface on which to collect a seemingly infinite number of CDs, sheet music, and yet more knick-knacks. The rest of the living room is filled to the hilt with literally thousands of CDs. It is to the point where, if I were to play all of my mother’s CDs, back to back, sans pause, I would not be able to hear everything she had in my lifetime.

My mother’s influence can now be seen in the kitchen, which was once one of two places my father could call his own, (the other being his office in the attic.) My father has always done the majority of the cooking, and it’s only logical that he would arrange the kitchen to his liking. He was always very precise in where things went; he had a logical system of everything from storing food and kitchen utensils to the very “flow” of the kitchen. If anyone did anything to disrupt this logic, my father would yell at whoever caused the problem and/or immediately get rid of the problem. Shortly before I moved from my home town, I remember an instance in which my mother bought a stupid little shelf for the kitchen which was supposed to stand right above the faucet of the kitchen sink. First of all, it was unnecessary to buy such a thing since my father had all the shelf space he needed AND this thing wasn’t very wide or stable, meaning that it wasn’t practical for anything except more stupid knick-knacks. On top of all of this, the shelf was too short and hindered one’s ability to turn on the faucet. Any normal person would say, “Hmm. That doesn’t quite work” and get rid of it. But such is not the case with my mom. Between her lack of logical thinking and her stubbornness to always be right, she insisted that the shelf stay where it is, despite the completely valid arguments from my father. After losing the verbal battle, my father took the offending shelf down to the basement, where he sawed it into little pieces before taking it to the curb and putting it with the rest of the garbage. My mom was so pissed that she didn’t speak to anyone for days. My father, on the other hand, continued to work in the kitchen – humming a happy little tune to himself.

Those days are over.

A few years ago, a friend of mine, (who still lived across the street from my parents), told me that my mother had bought a “butcher block” for the kitchen and told me that it is too big for the space and looks absolutely ridiculous. I forgot about this somewhat until the moment I walked into my parents’ kitchen. It’s not a butcher block but more like an island-type work station that stands smack dab in the middle of the kitchen. Due to its size and location, not only can you not seat more than two people at the kitchen table (which used to seat four), but also makes it extremely difficult to do anything in the kitchen. God help you if there is more than one person in the kitchen doing anything so much as getting a drink from the fridge. Although these are not the exact dimensions, try to imagine a 4’x4’ kitchen island in a 6’x6’ kitchen. This, of course, made meal times interesting. Even though there were only three of us, we had to eat breakfast in shifts. Of course, we would use the dining room table if there weren’t so much crap on top of it. And, even when I tried to help out by cleaning up some of the stuff on the dining room table, my mother yelled at me, telling me that she would do it herself….. some day.

Of course, I never expected my parents to keep my room or my brother’s room as they were when we lived there – But I did imagine that they would make them a bit more practical. My parents’ 3-bedroom house, in which I grew up with both of my parents and my brother can now only accommodate two people…. Barely.

An Observation

2006-03-07T08:59:00.000-06:00

Fact:
I lived in New York for most of my life without ever being a victim of a crime.

Fact:
During the short period of time where I live in a small town in Texas, my house was broken into and I was robbed. Less than four months later on March 7th, K and I were victims of road rage in the form of a hit and run.

This isn't meant to shit on Texas - perhaps the odds were just in my favor while in NY. I'm just a big fan of irony. (That and I'm just bitter, upset and shaken up over this morning's events.)

Too Damn Hot

2006-03-01T14:46:00.000-06:00

Mood: Freaking HOT!!
Song: Fade Into You - Mazzy Star
Units of Caffeine: Not enough!
Days Until Vacation: 59

It's March 1st and it feels like it's in the mid-90's. No. I'm not kidding. I'm being completely serious. It's currently in the high 80's and, between the sun and the humidity, it feels like it's in the mid-90's. Gawd! I'm not ready for this. But really, I'm never ready for this. I guess one of the things I'll enjoy about going back to the northeast in a couple of weeks is that it's still nice and cold up there this time of year, and chances are very good of getting some snow.

In the meantime, I sit and sweat at my desk while working on a few theatre resumes. Something I have just come to realize is that, throughout my studies in theatre - both undergrad and grad - I have never learned how to write a resume. Oh, of course, I learned how to write an actor's resume - But what of the other production stuff? Specifically, production and stage management? Directing credits and the like? What about those? So, I met with one of my former grad professors this afternoon, (the only one that I like). I had to see him anyway - I had a lot of shit of his that I've been collecting over the past few years (files, books, movies and such that he's lent to me) and I needed to hit him up for a letter of recommendation for the internship. So, other than dwelling on the trip to NY and working on my stuff for the internship application, not much is happening in Dexter's lab - However, this has given me the opportunity to read various things. Again, I am constantly amazed at the great wealth of crap that is out there on the web.

In light of Mardi Gras, I made some jambalaya for dinner last night and was searching many cookbooks and the web for other Cajun delights and came upon this article which was a rant about how most of the food we know as "Cajun" isn't really Cajun. At first, I was very into the article and agreed with what the author was saying. I particularly enjoyed these two quotes:

"COMMERCIALISM: The process of taking something real and true (beer, music, etc.) and fucking it up so that the American public will buy it."

""Cajun" as descriptive of a style of cooking was unheard-of...Then, Paul
Prudhomme burnt a fish and it all went through the roof!"

Whereas these quotes may be true, it got me to thinking. Not just about Cajun food, but about cooking and the history of culinary arts, in general. I mean, you have to ask yourself: Is the cuisine you're eating truly the cuisine you're eating? Is that lasagna truly Italian or is that corned beef and cabbage truly Irish? Most likely - it isn't. (In fact, corned beef and cabbage did not originate in Ireland, but rather in the United States. Corned beef was used by Irish Americans as a substitute for Irish bacon.) It isn't because people's tastes in food change - culinary art, (just like any art), is constantly evolving. In fact, my tried and true "family recipes" that have been passed down to me from my parents are NOT the same as they were when I was growing up. I added some spice here; changed an ingredient there - It's one of the glories of making food - making it your own. So, the article about Cajun food is probably right - The jambalaya and gumbo that I know and love most likely isn't what it originally was decades ago. What I do know is that I love the "Cajun" food that I make - And not only that, but I encourage the constant change in food. Otherwise there would not be any art in the culinary arts - And food? Well, it would get boring. It would become nothing but something for which to nourish the body. And whereas that is perfectly fine with some folks, I choose to enjoy life and not just live it. So, screw the conservative views on cooking and bring on the new ways of enjoying old-fashioned cuisine!

Love & Hate

2006-02-27T11:55:00.000-06:00

Mood: Uneasy
Song: None
Units of Caffeine: 3
Days Until Vacation: 61

I talked with my father last night and I’ve booked my ticket: I will be visiting my parents in a few weeks. Normally, I love the prospect of traveling – even if it is back to my home town, which isn’t all that exciting. (I mean, it’s been over two years since I’ve been “home,” and it is nice to go back every once in a while.) But I have mixed feeling about this particular trip. It’s very strange the way I feel because I want to see them – I want to see them, but, at the very same time, I am not looking forward to the crap that comes with seeing them: their apathy; their passive-aggressive behavior; and their general craziness: (my parents both put their work ahead of everything else in their lives, and my mother… well, there’s no other way of putting this: my mother flat out lies about several random things.) I just don’t know if I’m ready to deal with that – Especially when K can’t come with me. My brother has graciously offered to pay for a rental car for me in the likely event that I need to get out of the house. Yes – my parents have vehicles, but nothing I can or am willing to drive: My father has a truck that is falling apart and my mother has a car that she won’t let anyone else drive.

I don’t know why the thoughts on this trip are bothering me so much - I am feeling pulled between a need to see them and an angry frustration over them. I hate feeling like this.

Sick

2006-02-23T15:48:00.000-06:00

Mood: Blah
Song: Bombay - Jerry Martin
Units of Caffeine: 3
Days Until Vacation: 65

During the past couple of days, I've been sick... and bored. I hate being sick: I'm uncomfortable and there's only so much daytime TV I can stand and/or so much of the Sims that I can play. So, I'm back at work today - still not feel fully recovered, but good enough to get out of the house and keep from going stir crazy. But, as I sit at work, I understand why I got sick in the first place, and why I just need to put myself in a plastic bubble. Most of my co-workers are also sick - more sick than I was - but instead of staying home and getting well, they choose to come to work. Whereas the dedication to work is admirable; everyone is getting sick and it just keeps on recycling itself around the office.

So, the thought of my parents has just been lingering in my mind for some time now and, truth be told, as much as they piss me off, I would like to see them before my time, energy and money get sucked up into the big projects that lie ahead. Of course, there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that they're going to visit me an K, so I started thinking about the other alternative: going up to visit them. Of course, I hate it that, in order to see them, we have to go up to them every time. I also hate the position that it puts me in: You see, K and I are not exactly in the best place, financially right now, so only one of us could go. I spoke with K about this at lunch today, and it hurt me a lot to have to present the idea of visiting my parents without her with me - But I hate it more that my parents have put me... put us in this position. If they would just stop and think for a moment, they would realize that all of this bullshit would be solved if they just stopped fucking around and visit us for once in their lives.

So, I wrote my father with the idea of me visiting them for a few days next month. If he doesn't write back, I can't begin to tell you what rage will heat up the phone wires between Texas and New York.

Instinct & Emotion

2006-02-20T15:57:00.000-06:00

Mood: Emotional
Song: Some renaissance music
Units of Caffeine: 10
Days Until Vacation: 68

Today has been a really strange day – I have been hit with a bunch of random emotions throughout the day – Some have clear cut reasons for their being, while others are pretty damn random.

My Monday started by having a meeting that I really didn’t want to have with a person who works under me. I then opened my My Space e-mail and read a rather lengthy e-mail from an ex of mine from high school. I can’t even remember when I last spoke with her. And before anyone gets any strange ideas, no there’s no rekindling of any flames here: She was a very good friend of mine and our lives have moved on. Anyway… it’s great to hear from her again; but it looks as if her recent choice in guys was perhaps not the best. She is an open relationship with a guy who feels that women are inherently monogamous, whereas men are inherently polygamous. Therefore, a man who decides to get married is only conforming to what society dictates is right, and is ignoring what his instincts tell him. Oh, yes, and my friend is pregnant with this guy’s son.

I honestly don’t even know where to begin, but I was instantly angered at the blanket statement this guy made about men and why they do the things that they do. Also, I think this instinctual stuff is bullshit. I mean, yes, there have been studies that prove what this guy is saying, but it’s breaking things down to their utmost primal nature. But we are not primates. I mean, our instincts may also tell us to go out; hunt; and kill for food – But, I think, rather than killing my neighbor’s dog – (or my neighbor) – I’ll go to the grocery store. I’m also thinking about how I felt when I was in Las Vegas six years ago. I was unattached to anyone in every way possible – and every fiber of my being told me that I wanted to be with one single person; and no, I didn’t feel any pressures from society telling me to be with this one person – In fact, I did almost everything possible to push society away from me during that period of my life.

I’ve also started thinking a bit about my parents, (since a few people have actually asked about them.) Sadly, I can’t tell you what they are doing right now. Because they are such great creatures of habit, I can guess with a pretty good accuracy, but I haven’t spoken with either of them since Christmas. I have become so fucking annoyed with their ambivalence. Ever since I left my home town in the northeast, six years ago, I have tried to get my parents to visit; tried to get them somewhat interested in what was happening in my life. I have failed with each attempt – And with each failure, I just got more and more annoyed and more and more depressed. About a month prior to Christmas, my father dropped a suggestion that they visit for a few days after Christmas. I don’t even know why I got myself hyped up for it – especially with my parents’ history for broken promises – But I did. And, not surprisingly, my parents did not come. Each time I tried to make plans with my parents for them to visit, something would come up. I would be annoyed, but they would be completely valid reasons: financial difficulties; health problems; and unyielding schedules were some of the reasons. But this time was different. This time the only reason why my parents could not visit me and their daughter in-law was that my mother needed to clean her office in my parents’ house. As much as I told my parents about the fact that this was the lamest excuse I had every heard in my life – They insisted that it was perfectly valid. My father, in his infinite wisdom, thought that it would smooth things over if he suggested that they visit in the late spring instead. I e-mailed him asking him how this spring would be any different than any other promise that they had broken. I didn’t hear back from him for several weeks, until I received a stupid copy of a comic strip he e-mailed to me.

I thought of simply not communicating with them until they got the message – But after nearly two months of me being silent, (including not calling or sending anything to my mother on her birthday in January), they still haven’t gotten it. It’s funny: this thing is starting to hurt me more than it’s hurting them. Talk about instinctual – No matter how much my parents don’t care; no matter how much they continue to piss me off; I can’t simply cut them off from my life.

The Things You Say

2006-02-16T13:37:00.000-06:00

Mood: Okay
Song: Baroque Samba - New York Voices
Units of Caffeine: 2
Days Until Vacation: 72

Unfortunately, my anger from the previous day's events hasn't really subsided; but today is an okay day. After two days of falling off the diet wagon, I'm back on track; my work load isn't too bad today; there's one day left until the weekend; and the weather is really nice here. (Now if there only weren't that freaking burn ban, I could make my turkey burgers outside - Mmmmm.)

As we all know, the internet contains a seemingly infinite number of ways that we can all waste our time. This morning, I found another! You see, I have a great past time: people watching. No, this is not to say that I'm some perv who enjoys peering into other people's houses and apartments. Call it a fascination in sociology, but I really enjoy sitting in a park or an airport or somesuch and just watching people: how they act; what they say; etc... Sometimes I find myself in a situation where I hear something that is so obscure, disturbing or funny that I think that life is stranger than fiction. I am reminded of a scenario in which some friends were walking out of a grocery store before going to the New York State Fair and heard the following dialogue:

LITTLE GIRL

Daddy?

DADDY

WHAT!?

LITTLE GIRL

Can I have a drink of water?

DADDY

SON OF A BITCH!

Apparently there are others like me who enjoy such touches of eavesdropping, because I have found some sites dedicated to the subject: Overheard in New York and its sister site, Overheard in the Office. I have put permanent links to these sites on my side bar for a quick link, because... well, they're that good.

%$@#!

2006-02-15T16:03:00.000-06:00

Mood: PISSED OFF!

So, I'm looking into doing a really good internship program at a rep. theatre and I need a couple letters of recommendation by March 15th. Because of some turnover within the department, there are really only two people in my graduate department who are qualified to write these recommendations, the Chair being one of them. She has flat-out refused to write one because she "doesn't have time."

GOD DAMMIT, DO I HATE MY GRADUATE DEPARTMENT!

Slow News Day?

2006-02-15T15:51:00.000-06:00

I just went to CNN.com and saw a featured article on Hand Washing: A Simple Way to Prevent Infection. I don't know whether to laugh or cry if this is news to some people.

Lobster, with a side of Marshmallows

2006-02-15T11:33:00.000-06:00

Mood: Somewhat tired
Song: I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For – U2
Units of Caffeine: 3
Days Until Vacation: 73

So, yesterday wasn’t bad. It pretty much exactly as planned: I took half the day off from work to go to Central Market in Ft. Worth to get all the fixings for dinner; went home; picked up K; we both fixed dinner; watched the Olympics – it was nice.

So… my trip to Central Market… For anyone who doesn’t know, this place is a foodie’s wet dream. It has fresh produce from everywhere; a fishmonger who knows what she’s talking about; a wine expert; a great deli; a bakery to die for; and is just filled with all of these amazing, unique foodie things. Every time I go, I don’t spend any less than an hour and a half in the place – even when I’m just there to pick up one or two items. (Of course, since it’s an hour drive, I always buy more than one or two things.) Also, due to the distance, I only go about two, maybe three times a year. I always think it’s a huge pain in my ass, but, after I go, I am always reminded of why it’s worth the trip.

As I wrote in a previous entry, K and I had planned on making a seafood dinner together for V-Day. I normally go to the local grocery store to pick up a couple of lobsters, but (a) We wanted to get some clams, (which none of the local stores have), and (b) I was sure that the lobsters at C.M. would be better. The fishmonger at C.M. was great! She knew exactly what she was talking about with everything I asked for and I got two 3 lb. lobsters! (Yeah – It wasn’t cheap by any stretch of the imagination, but worth every stinking penny!) I also picked up some shrimp for scampi and made my regular rounds around the place, “Ooo-ing” and “Ah-ing” and all of the amazing things. As always, I couldn’t leave without picking up a loaf of some fresh bread and a bottle of dipping oil. I also stumbled upon some gourmet marshmallows. (Every time I say this to someone, I get the same response: “Gourmet marshmallows!?” – As if to say, “what the fuck makes a marshmallow “gourmet”?) Believe me; I’m not one to jump up and down about marshmallows either. To me, they are what they are: cylindrical puffs of sugary sweetness – Not great. Not bad – Something that makes hot chocolate sweeter and s’mores the campfire favorite. But these looked different – There was something about them that drew them to me. First of all, the obvious: they were not cylindrical, but square. They were also bigger. Much bigger. As I was drawn to the small bag of gourmet goodness, I noticed what was sitting next to the bag – OTHER gourmet marshmallows in a variety of other flavors. Although I was intrigued by every flavor they had to offer, none was more intriguing than the chocolate gourmet marshmallows. My curiosity got the best of me and I picked up a bag of the chocolate mallows and a bag of the regular, (just in case the chocolate mallows were a complete disaster.) When I got home, I put the crustaceans away and began unloading the rest of the goodies from C.M. I picked up the bags of mallows and, although I wanted to surprise K with them, I opened up the plain bag of mallows. I ate one and fell into a state of shock at the fact that a marshmallow could taste SO damn good! In fact, it didn’t taste like a marshmallow at all – it was sweet and airy, like a marshmallow, but tasted… well… BETTER! When K got home, we opened the bag of chocolate marshmallows and, Oh. My. God. Nothing should taste that good! It just goes to show that everything from that store is nothing less than amazing.

The dinner came out great as well, but we really overshot. Because K and I have been dieting for over a month now, we’ve pretty much shrunk our stomachs. We only ate the clams and the stuffed lobsters. We didn’t even have room for my planned dessert. And, whereas we didn’t overstuff ourselves, we got pretty tired from our work making the food and from eating that we pretty much just went to bed and fell asleep soon after we ate and cleaned up. But it was still a very nice evening.

So… a few other thoughts that have crossed my mind lately –

The Olympics:
I am really not into sports and I am SO not an athlete, but I really like watching the Olympics. And I REALLY love the winter Olympics; much more so than the summer Olympics. (K & I have already decided that we’re going to the 2010 winter Olympics in Vancouver.) But this year, there’s really nothing exciting about the winter Olympics. It just seems to be a dud, the way things are going.

The Vice President:
Okay, tragedy aside, is there anyone else out there who just thinks this whole thing is pretty freaking funny? Of course, it’s being handled poorly, but does that really surprise anyone?

The Weather:
I am SO sick of it being warm and dry here!! It’s supposed to be close to 80 degrees here today. I would seriously kill for a plane ticket to the northeast or northwest right now for some insanely cold, damp weather!!

2006-02-14T09:58:00.000-06:00

Mood: Caffeinated
Song: Maybe I'm Amazed - Paul McCartney
Units of Caffeine: 4
Days Until Vacation: 74

I'm a little annoyed at Blogger right now as it's been a real bitch about me posting pictures these past few weeks - and so, I can't continue with my black and white theme. So, I will have to forgo the illustrations for a while.

So, Happy Valentine's Day, everyone! In light of the nice dinner (and dessert) I will be making with K this evening, I have made the decision a few weeks ago that I would be off the diet today. Well, it seems that everyone got word of this as I arrived to my office to a couple of chocolate cupcakes and a box of candy on my desk. Not a half hour later, one of the guys who works upstairs from me came in and gave everyone massively huge frosted sugar cookies. As I told a couple of my friends this morning; I said I was taking a day off from the diet, not raping the shit out of it and beating it to the floor! So, I've had a few nibbles here and there; but for the most part, I've been very good about letting these things go.

Valentine's Day or VD?

2006-02-13T11:25:00.000-06:00

Mood: Happy
Song: Random music playing in my office
Units of Caffeine: 4
Days Until Vacation: 75 days

So… February 14th is upon us. It’s a day of passion, love, pressure, depression and a day where Hallmark and Hershey’s must make the bulk of their annual revenue. For years and years I remember wishing that the day be removed from the calendar. I was either feeling extremely depressed for not having a date or under great deal of pressure to make the day feel special to my significant other. Thankfully, I don’t feel the pangs of either emotion this year. In fact, I have just become so disgusted with the whole V-Day ritual of “the special night out” that I have decided not to do it this year. (Understand that this doesn’t mean that I’m going to completely ignore the day – I think I would be in the proverbial dog house if I did); but I’m bringing it back home to it’s roots.

I think one of my most memorable Valentine’s Days was during the first year I was dating K. We were both in college and both broke. (Actually – I wasn’t even in college as I was recently disqualified, which, as you can imagine, made that particular winter a lot less joyous.) But, I digress. The main point is that we were pretty damn poor. So, I drove up to the campus; went to the local Blockbuster and ordered a pizza from our local pizzeria. And there we were: With each other, sitting on the carpet, watching movies and eating really good pizza. I know it probably sounds ghetto, but it was really quite romantic.

Over the past few years, we’ve done the stereotypical date out thing and, with only one exception, they all pretty much sucked. One year, several years ago, we went to a supper club with a live jazz combo and vocalist – It wasn’t crowded at all; the food was great; and the atmosphere was really cool. We even got up on the non-crowded dance floor and had a few slow dances. It was a great evening! And it has been a downhill ride ever since. One year, K was in rehearsals for a show. I got dinner together; cleaned our apartment and lit candles. But, for some reason, the director chose that particular night to keep rehearsal going until an abnormally late time. Another year, we went to one of our favorite Italian places. We quickly found out that ANY time of the year OTHER than Valentines Day, the place is quiet, intimate and great! On Valentine’s Day, however, the place is loud, overcrowded, and the waiters are rushing around so much that we couldn’t relax. It was during this dinner that a cart of dirty dishes kept being places right next to our table; the appetizers were served cold, (to which the waiter responded: “You want me to nuke it for ya’?); the entrees were wrong; and, the grand finale, the table next to our collapsed, spilling food and breaking dishes. It was at this time that I just asked for the check and we went home. Last year’s dinner out wasn’t as bad, but still had some flaws of the place not feeling relaxed and having to deal with other people’s stupidity.

So, K and I have decided to just bring the whole day back home… literally. We’re collaborating in the kitchen, and the both of us will be creating a wonderful seafood dinner, including stuffed lobster and shrimp scampi and, of course, a chocolaty dessert of some sort. It will be casual; relaxed; we’ll be together; we won’t have to deal with anyone (save for two cats); and the food will be fabulous. I think this is what Valentine’s Day is supposed to be like.

Death & Taxes

2006-02-03T10:06:00.000-06:00

Mood: Annoyed
Song: Unwell - Matchbox Twenty
Units of Caffeine: 3
Days Until Vacation: 79

Yes folks, it's that time of year again. I realize that it's only February, but I'm not one to sit on these things. I would rather just get my taxes done and out of the way. So, I did as I always do and went out to my local office supply store and bought the tax software that I've always been happy with: Turbo Tax, by Intuit.

I first bought tax software in the spring of 2002 just to see if it made my life easier in any way and holy SHIT, did it! I honestly don't know why people do their taxes the "old fashioned" way, ESPECIALLY in light of some new developments from certain tax software companies that now offer free software and free e-filing for people who earn less than $50K a year. Anyway... I went out and bought Turbo Tax, (as I do every year) and settled myself in font of my computer with my book o' receipts and tax information on one side of me and a glass of wine on the other. (Hey, who says that doing taxes has got to be totally painful?) So, I open up the Turbo Tax box; take out the CD and notice that the box is missing one or two things. You see, one of the things that I really like about tax software are the numerous rebates you can possibly get; one of them being a rebate for e-filing.

You see, I have a slight problem with e-filing. From my dealings with a few local, state and federal web sites, I've noticed that the government has been a little slow in catching up with the computer age; and there is still quite a bit of tree killing going on out there with the amount of paperwork the government forces upon the U.S. citizen. But e-filing came along, (and I normally don't praise the IRS), but I give them two major thumbs up for this! It's faster; It's more accurate; It saves time and energy on behalf of the IRS; and, if the tax payer wishes to pay for taxes with a credit card or receive the refund via direct deposit, there isn't a single piece of paper that is exchanged. I love e-filing and the IRS loves e-filing so much that they are doing their damnedest to get more Americans to do it. So, if it's so much easier; less wasteful; and the IRS wants more people to do it; why is there an e-file fee? I have a big problem with paying a $15 fee for something that, in my opinion, should be free. Although paying the e-file fee is a hot button issue with me, it was never really an issue because Turbo Tax, (and pretty much all the other tax software products), always offered a rebate on it. So, I didn't mind paying the fee and just waiting a few weeks for the software company to mail me a check for the amount. This brings us back to me; sitting there with the opened Turbo Tax box, looking for the appropriate rebate paperwork. Thinking that the fine folks at Intuit forgot to include the rebate form with the software, I went to Turbo Tax's web site to get more information. What I found royally pissed me off. Here is the statement Intuit put on their Turbo Tax web site in regards to rebates:

Put simply, there are no rebates for Turbo Tax 2005 products. We hope you’ll breathe a sigh of relief over that fact. In previous years, you might have had to send in three rebate forms to get money back on federal and state products, or for e-filing. Not anymore.

Having to keep track of all those slips of paper was challenging even for us, and we’re tax pros. We know most of you just want to get your taxes done quickly and not have to do the extra work involved in mailing a rebate form. After listening to many customer complaints, we changed our policy.

I hate it when companies do this! That is, I hate it when they make a change that quite clearly benefits them and quite clearly screws the consumer YET they make it sound that it is for the consumer's convenience. Don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining! As for "listening to many customer complaints"... Turbo Tax has an optional survey/feedback form that I have seen with their software. I have completed it every year, and I seem to remember some questions regarding their rebates. What I feel has happened is that, whereas the consumer enjoyed the rebates, the might not have liked all the paperwork that went along with it. I am almost certain that the average Joe/Jane would have preferred the solution to be that Intuit find a less complicated way of handling the rebate procedure, (although, I will admit that I never found it complicated. In fact, I had no problems with it at all. I'm just speculating how other people might feel about this.) So, I'm assuming that no one in their right mind disliked getting money back. Who the hell doesn't like that? I think it's more plausible to say that the consumer didn't actually like the means of getting their money back. Then I think some corporate idiot at Intuit looked at the data and concluded that consumers didn't like the rebates; (of course, making Intuit's job a lot easier because they no longer have to deal with them). Wait a tick... Did I just say that Intuit no longer has to deal with rebates? Of course I did; because Intuit clearly stated that "there are no rebates for TurboTax 2005 products." But wait.... almost immediately after Intuit makes the bold claim there there are no rebates, (for your convenience, of course), the state the following:

While we’ll no longer have rebates for Turbo Tax, you can still use your Quicken rebate to save $30. That’s an incentive for you to try another one of our great products and we hope you’ll take us up on it.

Excuse me. How can you just say that you're not doing participating in any rebate plans because of how much of a pain in the ass it is and then say that you're offering a rebate? Oh, I know why... because Intuit wouldn't profit from offering an e-file rebate, but they would profit for offering a rebate on one of their products. So, lesson learned: Just like tax laws; the software procedures change every year. So, I should do my research. But, for those of you out there who haven't done their taxes yet, please learn from my misfortune and do not waste your money on Turbo Tax. Turbo Tax's main competitor, Tax Cut still offers the e-file rebate, AND, if you have an adjusted gross income of less than $50K, they have online software that you can use for free and e-file for free.

In the meantime, yours truly used the Turbo Tax software; printed the paperwork; and mailed it off yesterday. Call me stubborn, but I flat out refuse to pay for that stupid e-file fee.

As the Day is Long

2006-01-31T15:36:00.000-06:00

Mood: Bored
Song: The buzz of the lighting fixture above me
Units of Caffeine: 4
Days Until Vacation: 88

It's about 3:30 in the afternoon and it seriously feels as if the whole day has passed already - It's going so freaking slowly today. And I state that I'm bored, but don't let that deceive you: I have plenty to do. I just feel like I'm doing the same, boring shit every day now. Wait a minute! I am doing the same, boring shit every day. Well, at least it won't go on for too much longer. Things to do; places to see.

So... I have a little gripe about collections agencies, (since it seems that, out of no fault of our own, K and I have been dealing with them a lot lately). The first instance was due to an error on the part Charter Communications. (K and I are in the process of writing several letters to the Better Business Bureau and the Attorney General about that); and now another one has crept out of hole somewhere. Very recently, K's parents have started receiving phone calls for K from yet another collections agency for yet another stupid bill that may or may not have existed so long ago that there is no possible way that we would have any record of paying it anywhere. So, for the second time in just as many months, we have had the following conversation with a collections agency:

COLLECTOR: "Hello. You owe us $x."
DR D.: "What is this for?"
C.: "It's for a bill from Widgets Inc. from December, 2000."
D.: "Uh... okay. This is the first we've heard of this and it's January, 2006."
C.: "Yes. You owe us $x."
D.: "Well, can you tell me what is was for?"
C.: "It's for a bill from Widgets Inc. from December, 2000."
D: "Thank you. I understand that, but what is it for? What service or good was this bill for?"
C.: "Well, I don't know. But you owe us $x."

Okay, so, granted, the bill isn't for a lot of money. (The same was true for Charter), but it's the point of the thing. Am I completely nuts for wanting to know what it is that I am paying for? The collections agencies seem to think so. While I am on the topic of collections agencies, let me say that they have the worst customer service methods ever. Something I have learned from my brother is to stay as calm as possible and be as pleasant as possible. I have found that people are a lot more willing to work with you if you are like this - Also, I'm sure that this attitude is quite refreshing for the representative working for the collections agency. Well, I thought I was sure that it was refreshing. The true fact of the matter is: the collections agency is always on the defensive whenever we talk with them; no matter how calm and collective we are. It's like this:

DR D.: "He, my name is...."
COLLECTOR: [interrupts] "WHOA! Sir! You are going to HAVE to calm down. I can NOT talk to you when you are THIS emotional."

If I were any less emotional, I would be in a coma. I am also quite pissed at the fact that they automatically assume that (a) K and I are deadbeats and (b) we are both liars. They actually work with the assumption that all are guilty until proven otherwise. Now, I realize that the majority of people they work with do fall within those categories. I was a collector for a while when I first moved to Texas and have witnessed first hand how low some people can be. But I also realize that there are always exceptions. So, this condescending attitude really doesn't fly with me. Especially when I am the one calling the collector back, trying to resolve the issue. I also don't understand the logic. If I am calm, cool and collective and get irritated by how I am being treated; I can't imagine that the same attitude towards someone who is really angry would yield anything by unsuccessful results.

So... now that I'm taking a break from theatre for a while; it seems that life itself wants to continue the drama. And with that, I have successfully killed one hour of my day. 30 minutes to go before packing up and heading home for yet another fun filled evening of doing whatever the hell I want.

Random Thoughts For the Beginning of the Weekend

2006-01-27T09:37:00.000-06:00

Mood: WTF!?*
Song: Shine On You Crazy Diamond - Pink Floyd
Units of Caffeine: 2, and counting
Days Until Vacation: 92

*Yes, it can be a mood.

Today has been a slow morning; it's Friday and I can't seem to get motivated to do anything. I am normally one to wake up sans problems. I hate saying that I'm a "morning person," because I think of a person who jumps out of bed with a huge, obnoxious smile, wanting nothing more than to greet the world with glee.

I am not that person.

I wake up without really feeling all that tired. Other than that, I am not a morning person. All I want to do is sit; drink my coffee; and read the news without anyone talking to me or bothering me. This is why I need to wake up two hours before I go to work. If I were to wake up 30 minutes prior to work and just jump into things, I would probably kill the first person who said "good morning" to me. But this morning was different. I woke up at my normal time and still felt the weight of fatigue, heavy on my eye-lids. Perhaps there was something in the air - Even my cats were curled up, like fluffy pillows, on the bed. (Usually my older cat is sitting in the office, staring out the window while the younger one sits by the sink while I take a shower and helps me make my morning coffee by walking between my legs and telling me what to do with her squeaky meow.) But such was not the case this morning. It was as if I had woken up at 1 in the morning and someone had played some dirty trick on me by setting my clock ahead several hours. But no... it was the normal time.

So, I make my coffee and as I turn the coffee maker on, I realize that I'm out of Splenda. Now, I have read and taken note of the thoughts of sucralose, but I don't care: Splenda is nothing less than fabulous for me right now. I'm on Weight Watchers and allergic to many of the other artificial sweeteners, such as Nutrasweet and Equal; (I'm also not very fond of the common after taste of those sweeteners). Splenda still has a little after taste, but I don't think it's as bad. So, Splenda is a very good thing for me right now. But, I had to resort to good ol' sugar this morning. Ugh! For those of you who are not familiar with how Weight Watchers works, all food is given a point value based on a calculation of fiber, caloric and fat content, and you are given a certain number of points you can eat within a day, based on your weight. A tablespoon of sugar is 1 point, whereas Splenda has 0 points. Since I can get the sweetness I want without spending any points, I look at sugar as wasted points. I mean, imagine if you could buy something you wanted for a dollar or get something similar for free. Which would you take?

That started my Friday morning. I get to work and my office suite smells like a yeti came in and took a dump in each office and smeared it on the walls. However, the rest of the building smells of cinnamon and belgian waffles. (Can anyone explain this to me?)

About ten minutes into my work day, I go to the men's room; open the door to the public rest room; and there sits a man on a knocked over garbage can with his pants down to his ankles, tying his shoes. I quickly retreat into my office and decide to wait for a little while before returning.

Happy Friday everyone.

Another Day at the Office

2006-01-25T08:32:00.000-06:00

Mood: Overworked
Song: Dancing Girls and Dancing Men - Robert Pollard
Units of Caffeine: 2
Days Until Vacation: 94

My "to-do" list at work just gets longer and longer.

K & I went to Barnes & Noble the other night just to get out of the house and do something. It's a fun, inexpensive thing to do: to got B&N; grab a cup of joe from the cafe; then proceed to use the bookstore as a library. I am sure that this is not what the CEO of B&N had in mind when creating the cafe and introducing the nice chairs and coffee tables. I'm sure (s)he thought that people would just take time to browse; flip through books and then purchase something. Well... okay... it works, because K always ends up buying something. Anyway, I was reading a book on financial planning and read that most Americans feel as if they are overworked and underpaid. The book said it in a tone that made it seem like those Americans are just whiney brats and should be thankful they have a job at all. So, I started thinking of myself and the situation I am in - I have noticed that, since I've graduated from grad school, my boss has given me a crapload of work. The work that I have been receiving falls under two categories:

(a) Work that should be someone else's responsibility, but since it seems that no one else in the office knows certain, standard MS programs, I get the work.

(b) Specialized work that is way beyond my job description.

I guess I wouldn't mind so much, if I were getting compensated in some way, but I'm not. I have been given responsibilities typical of someone with a college degree; (even some post-bac type work); and yet, I am still only getting paid that of someone with no more than a high school education. I also don't understand this concept of me getting someone else's work simply because they don't know how to use a program. Correct me if I'm wrong, but in the "real world" if you can't do parts of your job because you don't know how to use a certain program you either (a) learn the program or (b) start looking for another job.

...to be continued. (My office has started to get busy).

Good Morning... Now Go F*ck Yourself.

2006-01-20T08:06:00.000-06:00

Mood: Barely conscious
Song: Crutch - Matchbox Twenty
Units of Caffeine: 1, so far
Days Until Vacation: 99

This is how I feel: old; unattractive; I don't care; and there's not nearly enough coffee in the world to keep me afloat!

Not too long ago, I made the decision to decline a great opportunity to assistant direct a show at a local rep theatre. For a while now, I have been thinking about that decision and wondering if I had made the right choice - or if I had really shot myself in the ass. Well, last night I came to the firm realization that I had chosen wisely. For the past few days, I have been the lighting crew for a local production of Romeo & Juliet. Here is what my daily schedule looks like:

5:00 a.m. - Wake up
5:30 a.m. - Get up
5:31 a.m. - Commence morning routine: shower, brush teeth, drink coffee, rinse, repeat...
7:25 a.m. - Arrive at work
5:00 p.m. - Leave work
5:30 p.m. - Get home with just enough time to grab a quick bite and change
6:00 p.m. - Leave for the theatre
11:00 p.m. - Leave the theatre
12:15 a.m. - Go to bed after snarfing some food and unwinding just a little bit

I think the only thing that is keeping me awake right now is caffeine, and even now my body is developing an immunity to that! I mean, I'm back to drinking between 8 and 12 cups a day, and I'm still crashing pretty hard. So, this makes me feel very good about my decision to not do anything for a while after R&J closes. (I have even turned down two acting opportunities.)

Not surprisingly, the only thing I can really think of right now is relaxing. Or rather, the need to relax. So, I have started the countdown to my cruise in a few months. This, ladies and gentlemen, is the cruise vacation that K and I were supposed to take last September, no thanks to Rita. Yes, it's this cruise that I have been planning for 15 months now. I haven't talked about it because I was so unbelievably upset when I had to cancel it the first time that I just couldn't get myself to even acknowledge its existence for a while. Even now, it's still on the back burner of my mind. Again, I cannot even begin to tell you all that went into planning that thing, all without K's knowledge. GAH! Okay... now I'm just getting myself upset again. (There's nothing like being tired and cranky in the morning!)

That said, I'm just going to go back into my cave and try not to bite anyone who comes in. Gawd, I wish I could hibernate!

I Really Could Use A Pint!

2006-01-18T15:30:00.000-06:00

Mood: Slightly Tired
Song: Retrato Em Branco E Preto - Toots Thielemans
Units of Caffeine: 4

You know it's the beginning of a semester when I go MIA for days on end. The good news, of course, is that I'm not taking any classes. (Yay!) The bad news is that I am swamped with work in my office. (Boo!) I'm busy doing the thing I do at the beginning of every semester: hiring student workers. I really enjoy supervising aspect of my job, but I absolutely hate the process of hiring and scheduling. I think I will miss that part of my job the least when I leave it. On top of my regular work, I have been taking on quite a few other projects that are really keeping me busy. (More to come on that at a much later date, I'm sure.)

Outside of my job, tech week has started with Romeo & Juliet, for which I am on the lighting crew. Um... let me re-phrase that: I am the lighting crew. The SM got the run crew together for a paper tech on Sunday, but we still ran into some snags during the first full tech rehearsal. While I was running the light board, I swear to god that the computer was writing in completely random cues. My cue sheet would indicate that the following sequence of cues: ...13, 14, 15, 16... and the computer showed ...13, 14, 14.1, 14.5, 15, 15.2, 16, 16.3, 16.4... even thought the lighting designer didn't program the additional cues. We would also get random blackouts, (and no, it wasn't due to an overloaded circuit). I think I've worked out most of the kinks at last night's rehearsal, so I can finally actually get into what's going on on stage during tonight's rehearsal. My initial reactions are as follows:

It's long. Yes, even with umpteen-million cuts, the show's running time is a little over three hours long. But, with Shakespeare, I guess that's the nature of the beast.

The acting is uneven. There are a few actors who know how to play the scenes; they completely understand what they are saying and what they are doing; and they are a delight to watch. Then there are those who are very bland or, worse, completely boring - They make the show feel like it is three hours long. Unfortunately, it is not the leads who will sell this show, but the supporting characters, such as the Nurse and Capulet.

Other than Romeo & Juliet and my job; I'm not really doing much. I'm just decompressing a bit from the past year - nay - four years. But don't think I am getting too comfortable - There are many things on the horizon!!

The Doc's New Computer

2006-01-08T10:01:00.000-06:00

Mood: Content
Song: All This Time - Sting
Units of Caffeine: 1

So, with the influx of blogging, one can conclude that I have a new computer. Thanks to my ever so fabulous bro and his even more fabulous partner, C, I have a machine that is even better than what was stolen... and it even fits in one room! But seriously, C built a phenomenal computer. You know; that's something that I just can't even fathom: building a computer. To the geniuses like C who can do that; you rock! To those of you who are like me who thinks they know their way around computers - I'd stick with Gateway or Dell. So, with a great new digital camera; an even greater new PC; and several great new programs, I'm ready to take on the world! Well, the World Wide Web, anyway. But let it be known that I'm moving ahead a bit wiser - backing up everything.

So, with the subject of my last blog entry weighing heavy on my mind, I spoke with a few more people about it, including my friend, who is directing the new work at the pro theatre. Like others, he put what I was thinking into focus; but he also offered a few suggestions. He told me that my feeling tired probably stems from one of two things:

It has been so long since I worked on something that truly excited me, and everything I have worked on since has worn me down, in which case it would be good for me to only do something that I am excited about.

I have taken on so much over the past few years that I need to take a break and recharge my creative juices, in which case he suggested that I not do theatre, but instead take time to do things outside of theatre: read some books; go to some museums and/or check out some exhibitions; go to a poetry slam; write more; draw and paint; etc...

Whereas I believe that I fall into both of these categories, the ideas presented in the latter section appeal to me more. Because I was so busy with grad school over the past few years, I feel that I have just been feeding off of myself. I very rarely had time to go out and do/see things within the global scope of the arts and get new inspiration or rekindle that feeling to create something great. I think this is what I'm going to do.

What To Do

2006-01-06T15:33:00.000-06:00

Mood: Tired
Song: Come Away With Me - Norah Jones
Units of Caffeine: 4

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine approached me with a really great opportunity to assistant direct a new project at a professional theatre this spring. I told him that I would do it and was very excited about it at the time. Well, I'm still excited at the thought of having a pro credit on my resume; but, truth be told, the thought of doing theatre - any theatre right now just tires the hell out of me. I will soon be running lights for a production of Romeo & Juliet, and the thought of just doing that tires me. I really don't know what's wrong with me - I mean, I should be absolutely thrilled to death and more than willing to jump on the theatre bandwagon, (especially A.D.ing a pro gig); but I'm not. Right now, it would not be too late to pull out of the project; and I am considering it... but I just don't know. I feel like I would be shooting myself in the foot if I don't do it; but I know that if I do it, my heart just won't be in it; and I'm afraid it will show in the final product.

I spoke with K about this this afternoon, but I guess what I also have is this totally unreal thought that this uninspired feeling; this feeling of complete exhaustion over something for which I have such a passion will never end.

Flame Grilled

2006-01-06T07:01:00.000-06:00

Mood: Waking
Song: Losing Grip - Avril Lavigne
Units of Caffeine: 0.5

I have lived in Texas for over five years now and I still can't get used to this: It's the first week of January and the temperatures are in the 70's. Hello? It should be freezing. It should be snowing! It just doesn't feel like winter. I guess I should be happy that it's fairly comfortable out, but I just miss the northeast at times like this. I also can't enjoy this weather as much as I could. Because of the dry weather and high winds, all of north Texas is in a Red Flag warning until... well, no one really knows how long it will last, but some are predicting that it will go through the spring. There's currently a burn ban in my county, so any cooking outdoors is out of the question. Outdoor grilling is my favorite thing about warm weather. There's nothing like cooking fajita chicken on the grill or slow cooking pulled pork all day.

Okay, well it's off to work I go. I'll try to blog more today sometime.

F!

2006-01-04T15:58:00.000-06:00

FUCK!

I am SO done with being nice about my department! I have decided that, eventually, I will pursue a PhD, if for nothing else, just to be in a real theatre department.

In the latest of the bullshit that I have had to deal with in regards to my department, Chair forgot to complete the paperwork necessary to change my Incomplete for one of the sections of my thesis and it was automatically changed to an F. Sooo, according to the school, I have failed my thesis project and have not graduated yet.

Of course this is a mistake. Of course it can be changed. But I am so bucking sick of things going wrong! I was so pissed off when my project fell through due to a lack of funding. I was annoyed by the lack of support from my department when it happened. I was disappointed by the lack of advisement and professionalism within my department when my project turned to a paper. I am sick of being the one who tells my department what the process is for writing; completing and grading a thesis paper. I shouldn't have to do any of this! I feel as if I am completing the "Do It Yourself" Masters degree.

Happy New Year!

2006-01-04T09:18:00.000-06:00

Mood: Slightly Tired
Song: West End Girls - Pet Shop Boys
Units of Caffeine: 2

So, okay, I'm just a touch late on my cue - I think I need a few days to recover and regroup. New Year's Eve was... well, it was a bit of an upset for me.

I'm not too sure why I did this, (perhaps to just re-live my totally carefree days as an undergrad student), but the Nutcase and I came up with this idea of having a "Beer Day." About a month or two ago, K, the Nutcase and I were sitting around watching episodes of Undeclared and one of the plots revolved around the undergrads drinking beer all day, for a couple of days. (Actually, it's a bit more detailed and funnier than that - but I don't want to derail too much. Go to imdb if you want more information. So, anyway, like I said, the Nutcase and I had this idea of doing the same thing one day. I think the general idea was to be in a light alcoholic haze for the entire day. Well, obviously we couldn't do this anytime during the fall semester. I was stage managing a show and dealing with my thesis project and the Nutcase was also stage managing. The idea came about during a recent trip in which we visited a brewery to have this day be New Year's Eve. Great idea! It will just be a small, quiet gathering; and we can just sit around and be mellow for the day!

After we set the date, I started thinking about the details. As I said, the goal was to keep a light alcoholic haze going throughout the day. Well, a problem with me is that I have an extremely high tolerance, and cannot really get buzzed on beer alone. I am also reminded of the New Year's Eve of 2000 in which I made a wonderful, hearty meal of prime rib with several sides for all of my friends - Unfortunately, the meal was SO good and SO hearty that, as much as we tried, we could not get drunk. Hell, none of us could even get that warm alcoholic feeling! So, I made sure that there was beer around, but I also made sure that there were some harder things around to get me where I wanted to be. Also, knowing that we also wanted to serve food on New Year's Eve; I researched food that wouldn't absorb all that much alcohol.

So, New Year's Eve comes - K and I decorate the house with candles and set out plates of food with the anticipation of the arrival of a handful of people. At about 3:00, we were finished setting things up, so I cracked open a beer and remembered that a year ago it was 9:00 in Dublin, and I was just finishing dinner and headed to Yellow. Good times! By 7:00, when people started coming, I was feeling okay, but not even close to the haze that I wanted, so I began playing the role of the bartender and started mixing drinks. The last thing I remember was the arrival of some friends of the Nutcase around 8:30 or 9 - The next thing I remember was waking up in my clothes with a HUGE headache at 4 in the morning. I walked out to the kitchen, where K was cleaning up a little bit. Apparently a TON of people showed up for the party and it was great! I cannot tell you how angry, disappointed and embarrassed I am of myself. Up until that night, I had never blacked out due to alcohol. I may have been intoxicated before, but I was very aware of what was going on. It pisses me off that I totally missed New Year's this year due to my own stupidity. I am so disgusted with myself and so freaked out by the experience that I have decided to go dry for a couple of months. Besides, it segues nicely into...

Diet 2006!

Between the stress of last semester and the holidays, I haven't been too kind on my body, and the scale showed that on Monday morning. So, I'm on day three of Weight Watchers. The good thing is that I never really feel hungry on this diet. The bad news is that, until my body adjusts to these new eating habits, I feel very fatigued. I am trying to combat this with a little bit of caffeine (of course!) and a little exercise. So far, it seems to be working since I am not nearly as tired as I was on Monday.

So, the new year has begun.......

Backwards & Forwards

2005-12-28T08:34:00.000-06:00

Mood: Okay
Song: Dreams - The Cranberries
Units of Caffeine: 1

So, Christmas has come and gone and we're rapidly headed towards New Years. By the way, why is it that so many holidays are packed into the last few months of the year? I mean, the year flows pretty slowly, as far as holidays are concerned, and then October rolls around and you've got Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Saturnalia and New Year's all on top of each other at the end of the year. It kind of remindes me of when I would make sugar cookies topped with M&Ms as a child. I would seriously ration each M&M when I started making the cookies, but then, as I was reaching the ned of the cookie batter, I would realize that I would have a ton of M&Ms and cram as many M&Ms as I could onto the last six or so cookies.

So, as much as this was looking like a hard candy Christmas this year, it turned out okay. By Christmas Eve, I was getting sick of going through the holidays like a pauper, so I took some of the money I received for graduation and splurged a bit: I went to the grocery store and got things for the following menu:

Shrimp Cocktail
Tomato Bisque
Stuffed Lobster
Salt Potatoes*

*A regional thing from Central NY that really kicks ass!

It was a nice, quiet evening for K and me. Christmas day was spent with the in-laws, of course. And, although being around them has the potential to get on my nerves after a period of time; I really didn't have any problems with it. AND K and I received enough money to replace our digital camera. It would have been great if we could have just bought the exact same camera as the one we had. I mean, our camera was only two years old - Okay, fine... I know that technology improves by leaps and bounds every other hour or so, so I was under the impression, at the very lest, we would be getting something a little better than what we had before. What we had was great! It was a Nikon Coolpix 4300, which was great! It was compact, (but not too small); it had the ease of a point-and-shoot camera, yet had the flexablility of a pro camera: we could manually change several things AND had the option of adding different lenses to it. Not surprisingly, Nikon no longer makes the Coolpix 4300. However, I was very annoyed to find out that Nikon doesn't make anything like the Coolpix 4300. The "comparable model" is a watered down, cheap piece of shit! It looks as if Nikon has dumbed their mid-grade cameras down so much that you have two choices:

(a) A watered-down piece of shit
(b) An excellent pro-model that not only has more features than you could possibily want, but at a cost so steep that I would need to take out a second mortgage.

So, needless to say, I was quite annoyed. I thought I had narrowed my camera search down to the brand and simply had to choose the appropraite model. Not the case! I was back to square one with searching several different brands and models - looking at features - reading countless reveiws. Ugh! I am SO thankful that I have this week off from work or else I would have spent so much time researching cameras that, by the time I had picked one out, it would be discontinued! We ended up purchaing a Kodak camera which is very good for our needs. I am still very annoyed that I simply could not buy the SAME camera we had without going to e-bay, (in which case, there is a good chance that we might have ended up purchasing our stolen camera - HA), but we're still very happy with what we got and extremely grateful to those who made it possible. Speaking of grateful - I cannot thank my bro and his boyfriend enough for their generosity, as they will be sending us a new PC in the very near future, making it possible for me to stop fighting with the Mac on a daily basis and continue to waste time... er... em... be creative and keep up with my blog writing.

So... on to the subject of this entry; (which I stole from my playwriting book I used in college). New Years Eve is just a couple days away and I am excited and just a little depressed. Last New Years I was in Dublin, Ireland, and had the best New Year's Eve of my life. No, it wasn't because i got piss drunk, (which I did, of course) - I could do that in Texas for a WHOLE lot cheaper than going to Ireland. First of all, I was involved with one of the best, if not the best theatrical experiences of my life. Secondly, the experience of New Year's Eve in Dublin was one that I have never seen: the comradery; the spirit; the fun; the excitement - It was just totally amazing! It is something that I will do again, except, K will be with me when I do it again.

Looking back at the year, it's depressing to see that I started on such a high note and just went down hill from there. The project in Ireland was the highlight of the year. I was involved in a couple of productions in the spring, but they were either such shit that I don't even include them on my resume, or they were good, but none of my friends and/or family could come see them. The end of spring began the work on my thesis project which was the most amount of work I have ever done on any production - only to have it killed and transformed into the most unworthy, mediocre piece of work in my life. As I neared completion of the work at the end of November, K & I were broken into and robbed. Not soon afterwards we received a collections notice for a bill we had paid over three years ago; (a story that could fill a blog all its own) - I will get into that at a later time - Right now it would just be too large of a tangent.

When looking back on recent events, it makes me very happy to see this year come to an end. We can start fresh on the first of a brand new year. I can also look forward to the new things in store for 2006: new places to explore; new challenges; new friends...

The journey continues....

Holiday Cooking

2005-12-22T13:59:00.000-06:00

Mood: Un-excited
Song: Baba O'Riley - The Who
Units of Caffeine: 3

Okay, so My Space entertained me for a while and now I'm back to the real world, (whatever the hell that is.) So, here it is: the week after finals and the week prior to the holiday break, which means it is boring as all hell here. I never thought I would be saying this, but I am actually dying for work - But I must add the disclaimer to say that I am dying for some of my own work, and not anyone else's. This past week, I was given a major project of the financial secretary's. Why is the financial secretary not doing it? Because she doesn't know how to use Excel. Fan-frigging-tastic! Well, I'm almost done with that project - AND my vacation begins at 5 p.m. today, so I'm pretty damn happy. My boss gave me tomorrow off - I know it's only one extra day. but I'm actually glad of this or else I would be banging my head against my desk.

So, K and I began making a gingerbread house last weekend and it's turning out well. Yeah, I know what you're saying: "You started a gingerbread house last weekend and you're still not done!?" Well, first of all, a gingerbread house isn't all that difficult to make, it's just that we're facing all the stumbling blocks that people run into when doing something for the first time. Besides, we were pretty much moving without a compass: We couldn't find a template or anything like that, despite many trips to craft and kitchen stores, so we both decided that, with our artistic abilities, we could design it ourselves. And so we did. Since we were doing this for the first time, we decided to do a fairly basic structure. I drew out a scaled design and then went about drawing and cutting out the wall, roof and chimney pieces. I got a gingerbread recipe off Food TV.com which claimed that it made enough dough for one gingerbread house. Well, apparently the house K and I are building and the house Food TV makes are completely different sizes because the recipe made enough dough to only make one wall of my house. After making a couple of wall pieces, I ran out of some ingredients, so we saved the remainder of the baking to another day.

*Fast forward to "another day"*

We bought more ingredients and made a crapload of gingerbread dough. In fact, we had enough to make other various cutout trees and other decorative things and I still have some dough in my fridge. The actual building and decorating of the thing wasn't/isn't too bad, it's just that, we're doing it amidst our regular work schedule and various social events. So, what would normally take a Saturday or Sunday afternoon is now spread out over a period of a week or so, but we DO plan to have it completed before Christmas day... (even if it means working up until midnight on Christmas Eve); but that is the cutoff point. I am hoping that Santa will help us fund a new digital camera so that we can take a picture of this thing to post on the blog.

And yes.... Despite my colorblindness, I might post a color photograph of it.

My Space

2005-12-20T13:34:00.000-06:00

Mood: Thrilled
Song: Nature Boy - David Bowie
Units of Caffeine: 8

Okay, so just yesterday I found yet another way to waste a buttload of time: My Space. I seriously don't know how I missed this thing - I have found more former classmates and lost friends in a couple of hours with My Space than YEARS of pointless subscriptions with Classmates. So, any of you who have lost touch with that friend from high school drama club or some such, screw giving Classmates money to get in touch with people; go to My Space - but WARNING: It's addicting as hell. I have wasted SO much time in the past couple of days just catching up with folks. Well... really, it's not so much wasting time as it is just trying to kill it. I seriously have no idea why the university stays open this week. NO ONE is here, and all of us in my office are just surfing the net; playing cards; chatting; etc...

So.... aside from My Space, has anyone noticed anything interesting on the net that can help kill my time this week?

And Scene...

2005-12-19T15:31:00.000-06:00

Mood: Light
Song: Ciara - Luka Bloom
Units of Caffeine: 7

Well, no, it's not the end, but it's the end of this chapter in my life. I went to commencement this past Saturday and although it was boring as all hell, I'm glad that I went. It put a definite period at the end of this concluding sentence. But before I go on to talk about me, let me just say a little something on commencement -- To anyone speaking at commencement: I don't care what you're talking about, but please, please, please, at the very least, sound interested in what you are talking about. The provost spoke for (what seemed like) the longest amount of time and she sounded like the female equivalent to Ben Stein. Then one of the regents board members spoke and started by doing a comparison of graduation and the Patriot Act. OMG! Would it be too much to ask that you don't mention the Patriot Act at commencement. And then the guy concluded his speech by indicating that they would pass out the degrees by saying, "Well, now it looks like we're going to pass out some early Christmas presents. Would you like your Christmas presents?" First of all, thank you sir, for being diverse and assuming that everyone that goes to this school celebrates Christmas, and secondly, unless you plan on paying for all of my student loans, do not call my degree a present.

But... all that aside, I did feel very proud to cross the stage and get my non-degree. (The real ones will be mailed in about four months, but in the meantime, we were all pacified with a ornate scroll that was a letter from the Alumni Association begging for money. Nice.) So, the question arises: "What now?" The good news is that, unlike when I graduated with my undergraduate degree, I already have a job. It pays crap and it's not what I want to do, but it's a job nonetheless, so I don't have to worry that. However, now that I have my Masters degree and now that I am no longer taking any classes, my boss has told me that there are several projects that she wants me to take on. Now, keep that the job position I currently have only requires a person with a GED. I know for a fact, (because my boss has said it) that if I were to leave, the person who would replace me would only do about half of what I currently do.... yet would be paid the same. So, now I feel that I'm being taken advantage of, and now there is nothing keeping me in my job. (I only kept it because it was really convenient for me as a grad student). So, now I'm looking around for other opportunities while, at the same time, trying to find a discrete way of telling my boss that I either want more money or for her to lay off on giving me extra responsibilities for which I don't get compensated.

As for my non-working life... K & I are getting festive and attempting to create a gingerbread house. So far it reminds me of every other Christmas thing. Like putting up lights and Christmas shopping, it's a huge pain in the ass, but I think things will get better once we start actually decorating the thing.... and I've had a few toasted almonds! :)

Congatulations!

2005-12-16T10:00:00.000-06:00

Mood: Okay
Song: Everything You Want - Vertical Horizon
Units of Caffeine: 2
Days Until Graduation: 1

No, the header of this post is not a typo, it's what was on the banner for a congratulatory breakfast party in my honor, thrown by my office*. I just have to laugh, because it's really par for the course. Also, my in-laws are kind of freaking out because it's supposed to be cold and rainy tomorrow and Texans are again mentioning the "s" word, which prompts my mother in-law to say, "I just don't know if we'll be able to make it if the roads are bad." I guess what gets me every time the weather gets like this is that my in-laws used to live in NY; they used to go skiing in Vermont every weekend. Driving in slush and heavy snow is not foreign to them, (let alone the two or three flakes that fall in Texas). On top of this, they have an SUV; (something I poke fun at all the time) - But here would be a time where it actually comes in handy, and they're worried about the roads!?

I also found out this morning that my co-workers will not be able to make it for one reason or another - all very valid reasons, of course - it's just a tad depressing that there is a potential that K will be the only one going. I have been told time and again that the ceremony is really no big deal - and almost every I know who holds a graduate degree of some sort didn't attend their graduations. But, I guess most of my friends and family just don't understand how much this means to me. I have mentioned in past posts that I never thought I would get this far, academically, and I have trudged through so much shit to get to this point that I am actually very proud of this accomplishment. I guess I just wish others felt the same**.

* Please note that the banner was created by one of my "not-so-bright" student assistants and not my co-workers.

** This is not meant to dismiss those few who have been uber supportive throughout my graduate degree. I couldn't have done it without you guys & gals.

The Holidays

2005-12-15T13:13:00.000-06:00

Mood: Annoyed
Song: Christmas Time Is Here - Vince Guaraldi
Units of caffeine: 3
Days Until Graduation: 2

Gawd! It's been almost two weeks since my last post! Man, does it suck to not have a computer. Of course, there's K's Mac, which I swear has it out for me; and there's the computer in my office, but, up until recently, I haven't had much time to blog during work hours. Even now it's a bit of a challenge because I have an interruption here and there to answer the phone or answer a question at the front desk.

So, the holidays are upon us once more, but this year it's quite different. Of course, it's always different when I'm not in NY on Christmas; it's always hard when K & I are away from family on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day, but we've done it in the past and make things work for us, here in Texas. The difference is that this year it is hard as hell to get into a festive mood. First of all; for some reason I keep forgetting that it's the Christmas season. It probably has something to do with not going Christmas shopping this year or something, but I just keep forgetting. Because K & I have no money to work with this year (thanks to the numb nut who broke into and robbed our house) we aren't able to give this year, and it's effecting us more than we originally thought. Of course, we feel bad that we can't give this year - I never realized how much I enjoy doing it until it was taken away. But we have constantly been put into a position where we are made to feel guilty about not being able to give.

This past weekend, K & I left town for a little bit to visit with family and friends; something we had planned on and purchased several months ago. Aside from a bit of driving and some slightly uncomfortable sleeping conditions, it was a really nice trip - Can't wait to visit again soon. But then we land back in DFW and are thrown, nay, kicked back into reality. First of all, it was rush hour. For any who have not driven in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex during rush hour, let me tell you - I have driven in many major cities during rush hour, including New York City and Los Angeles, and I have to say that Dallas / Ft. Worth is the WORST! So, as I'm parked on the highway, K responds to her mother's voice mail to tell her we're back. Then the discussion turns to Christmas presents... We have made it very clear to my mother in-law that, because we were robbed, we are unable to get anyone presents this year. This is something that K and I have needed to explain to several people several different times, and I don't understand why people don't understand the phrase: "WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!" K's mother has told us, more than once, to simply use our credit card to purchase gifts; and made the point to indicate that we should buy Suzie Q a gift because Suzie Q bought a gift for us. GAH! I frigging hate this! I will NOT be like every other American and rack up tons of debt just because society says that everybody needs to buy gifts for people at this time of year.

Fast forward to K's workplace; where a few of her co-workers feel the same way: Regardless of your financial situation, you WILL buy gifts and continue to spend money as if it doesn't matter. Apparently, her super was collecting money for a gift for her the office director and asked K to contribute, (even though K has made it no secret that we have no money to spend on gifts, etc.) Her super went so far as to say that she couldn't sign the office card if she didn't contribute any money. Her super also said, "Well, I know that the office director got something for you, so you need to give something in return."

You know, it's not like we're being greedy here, people! We don't have any money. We don't have any money! We don't have any money!! How many times have we got to say it!?!? Also, look at what this implies: "I gave you something, so you need to give me something." Well, if that's the case, then you can keep your fucking gift. I don't want it. This is not to say that I am not a giving person. I am. I just hate getting gifts with strings attached! When that happens, the item ceases to be a gift. A gift, in fact is defined by Merriam Webster as "something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation."

This whole experience of loss has made me truly realize what Christmas is all about, and it has made me thoroughly disgusted by those who don't. I have also been made to feel guilt for not giving this year. Not to the extent that K has, but still, it makes me feel awful. I already feel like shit that I can't give my family and friends presents; that I can't give to the Salvation Army or Toys for Tots as K & I do every year. Then, when someone who knows that I have nothing to give, asks for a handout and makes me feel bad when I can't, I just feel lower than low and it affects me in so many other ways. Because this happens, I feel extremely guilty when I treat myself to something simple like a can of Coke or a slice of pizza. Today I could barely stomach lunch because I felt as if I didn't deserve it. I hate feeling this way. All of this has seriously made it difficult for me to enjoy the holiday season. I have found myself getting extremely pessimistic about Christmas. I used to love it. Now, I just want to avoid it altogether.

It's Over

2005-12-03T09:07:00.000-06:00

The month.

The week.

The thesis.

My graduate studies.

This week has been one of the most challenging in a very long time. Monday hit me like a runaway truck and I somehow managed to get through my thesis defense on Tuesday afternoon. After a few edits here and there, my completed thesis was turned in and approved yesterday. A security system was installed in my house on Thursday and the new window was installed yesterday, bringing K and I back to normalcy - minus one or two things, of course.

As you can imagine, this week has been a roller coaster of emotion for me. Of the things that were stolen, the most valuable by far was my laptop computer. Not just valuable as in the value of the laptop itself, but what was on the laptop. I will admit that I was not as good at backing things up as I should have been - So, hundreds of digital photographs; recipes; files; financial information; and yes, even my Master's thesis - gone. Yes, I did back my thesis project up onto a CD, but the CD was in the drive when the computer was stolen. I am VERY thankful that I printed it all out before our break-in. And right now, I am in the process of keying it all back in so that I have an electronic copy.

As for the financial information - It was all password protected, but my fear got the best of me and I changed all of my accounts to ensure the security of my finances. All in all - what a freaking nightmare! I have insurance, but there are so many forms, policies and procedures involved that it will be quite some time before I get any financial relief, if at all. The deductible is SO damn high! In the meantime, since I had to freeze all of my accounts, I have not had any access to my money for the past week. In fact; I still don't. Until new debit cards and such come in the mail, I am living day-to-day on my credit card.

The timing of this is also really bad - The holiday season. Santa Clause came to my house early this year and gave us a new window; a new security system and various other things we needed in order to take care of all of this. But anything else that we wanted; or wanted to give just won't be possible. I fully realize that what happened could have been a lot worse; and I am ever so thankful that K and I; and my cats are safe and unharmed. (Well... my tiny power puff of a cat is actually quite traumatized by the event; but other than that - we're all okay.) I understand this, but it is depressing nonetheless.

Of course, the upside of the roller coaster of emotion is that I have my Master's degree. Not only a Master's degree, but I completed my graduate studies with a 4.00 GPA. I never really did well in high school - I wasn't all that into academics to be quite honest. My apethy towards education even extended into my college career and I failed out of college after the first semester of my sophomore year. I have since come to realize that this event will either make someone or break someone. It was the kick in the pants that I really needed. Needless to say, I changed my entire work ethic; worked my ass off; and proved myself worthy enough to get back into my college, and graduated with a GPA just shy of "with honors." Honestly, that's not bad, considering that my GPA had dipped below a 1.00 during my freshman year. So, I have to say - regardless of all the shit that I had to go through to get this degree; I am quite proud of it and feel quite ready to go out into the world theatre production.

And with that said, I think I am ready to acknowledge the fact that the holidays are upon me and might just begin decorating my house a bit. (No glass balls though. If the cats break them (as they do every year) it will set off the alarm.)

P.S. This change of publishing format, sans picture and "mood intro" will be in effect for a while. I am currently fighting with K's Mac (which was not stolen) and the score is currently:

Mac: 8 Dr. Dexter: 0

Some people say that Macs are the best machines in the world. I am not one of those people. In fact, I like to poke fun at this Mac by pointing out that the burgler took the PC and not the Mac. ;-)

Loss Of Faith In Humanity

2005-11-28T20:30:00.000-06:00

At 12:15 this afternoon, K and I came home for lunch, as we always do, to discover that our house had been broken into and we had been robbed. Thankfully, our cats are safe, but thousands of dollars in property were either damaged or stolen. Due to this unfortunate event, Christmas will most likely be postponed this year, Worst of all, my faith in humanity has been broken. For the rest of the day, as I was calling the authorities, insurance company, repairmen and other various people in order to pick up the pieces - I just kept thining, "You are going to have to prove to me that I can trust you."

I am both saddened and angered by how cruel, heartless and disrespectful some people can be. I am tired - it is only 8:30, but it feel like midnight. It has been an exhausting day and the furthest thing from my mind is the defense of my thesis tomorrow afternoon.

Not Quite Over...

2005-11-28T11:27:00.000-06:00

Mood: Anxious
Song: Forever Young - Alphaville
Units of Caffeine: 1
Days Until Graduation: 18
Days Until Thesis Is Due: 0

Almost a year; several hundred hours and many headaches later, I completed my thesis paper this past Saturday. However, I cannot celebrate just yet. I delivered the paper to all the members on my committee this morning, but I still have my defense tomorrow afternoon. Ever since I completed the paper, I have just become more and more on edge and am feeling sick with anxiety right now.

The past few weeks have gone rather quickly... now the hours are just dragging!

I'm Just Wild About Harry...

2005-11-23T07:08:00.000-06:00

Mood: Burned out
Song: Miserere - The Sixteen
Units of Caffeine: 0.75
Days Until Graduation: 23
Days Until Thesis Is Due: 5

Amazingly, I have a moment to write about something other than the Renaissance right now. Woo hoo! For the past two days I have been writing from 8 a.m. to 10 p.m.; stopping only to answer the phone or do some small task at work and to eat. Right now I'm pretty sick of the paper and can't wait to be done with it - But, of course, doing anything for 14 hours at a time for two days in a row would make someone pretty chachi. Truth be told, I'm doing these marathon writing sessions so that I can enjoy some of the holiday this week. (At the very least, I would like to just enjoy Thanksgiving Day without working on the paper.) It makes me very happy to think that next week at this time, I will be done!!!

But enough about me and this seemingly neverending paper. Let's talk about other things. Pleasant things, like yummy turkey; delicious stuffing; and custardy pumpkin pie. Mmmmmm. You know... it forces me to ask myself: If I like turkey so much, why don't I have it more than once a year? Well, truth be told; K and I live almost exclusively on turkey. We are fare from being vegetarians, but for health reasons, we don't eat very much red meat at all. Probably once a month, on average. Almost every meat product that we eat is turkey meat: ground turkey, turkey sausage, turkey ham, turkey dogs, etc. But, it's true that there is really nothing like eating it as nature intended: Roasted with mashed potatoes.

But something else I enjoy on Thanksgiving, aside from the massive quantities of food, is the tradition that K and I have to go to a movie after the Thanksgiving dinner. Since we have dinner at my in-laws, we started the tradition as an excuse to leave; but now it's more than that. It's not just an excuse, but something we enjoy and look forward to each year. Of course, we can catch a flick any time, but there's just something about our annual post-Thanksgiving dinner movie. It's like that glass of brandy on Christmas Eve; or that little something extra you do on New Year's Eve... it's something special. This year, we held off on seeing the new Harry Potter film on opening night just for this very occasion. I am really looking forward to this film because The Goblet of Fire is my favorite book in the series so far. As many have noticed, Harry and his cohorts have gotten a bit more... em.. mature. And I will have to say, I'm starting to feel a little resentment towards my lady friends who are discussing how hot some of the cast is getting (has gotten). Now, I will be the first to agree - Yes, I'm sure that Harry is certainly getting a goblet of fire, alright. BUT! Why is it that whenever I pointed out how hot some teen actress is getting*, I get that look as if someone had stamped the word "PERVERT!" across my forehead? Yet, when some ladies speak of Mr. Radcliffe being a "hot piece of ass." it's perfectly alright? Now, let me clarify something here - I am NOT the type that goes around constantly talking about how hot certain actresses are. So, ladies - please - go ahead and indulge in the soon-to-be-famous "Harry Potter bathtub scene," BUT, then allow me to drool a bit if and when Ms. Emma Watson begins to fill out.

My Life

2005-11-21T14:19:00.000-06:00

Mood: Insane
Song: Here Is Gone - Goo Goo Dolls
Units of Caffeine: 3
Days Until Graduation: 25
Days Until Thesis Is Due: 7*

Well here's a little view into my life: I'm tired. I'm sick of carrying all this crap around that is my thesis and the above picture is what my office looks like. But the good news is that a time and date have been set for me to present my completed thesis: *Tuesday, November 29th! Not December 1st as originally planned. So, I have quite a bit to do between now and a week from tomorrow. If one were to look at my paper, one would say, "Well, you don't have that much to do." Umm... well, looks are deceiving - I've still got a lot to cover. And for I'm bad at papers when estimating how much time it will take. So, you bet I'm working my ass off now. If I get done ahead of time - GREAT! But, I'm kinda' freaking out right now. So.... if you don't hear from me for a week; you know where I am.

Introspection

2005-11-19T08:41:00.000-06:00

I went to my friends' memorial service last night and, although I'm very glad I went, the surge of emotions that I was just getting over with this week hit me again ten fold. It had gotten to the point where my throat had closed up so much and my chest felt so tight - I just couldn't speak. I guess what made the memorial service different from hear the news for the first time is that I heard the news with K. K and I had talked about it; our memories and such. But here was a theatre full of friends, family, colleagues and students. There were pictures of my friend - the shows he did - the lives he affected - ALL of this in the same room at the same time.

I am very thankful that I have not had to deal with death in quite some time. The last time a person died with whom I held a personal relationship was a friend of mine who died of a brain tumor right before I went to college. I haven't had to deal with a loss like this in quite some time. I tend to close off the world around me. It's not that I am falling into any pits of depressions myself, (although I would be lying if I told you I wasn't depressed); it's more of a type of introspection and meditation. When something this emotionally traumatic happens, it forces you to re-evaluate some key things in your life. When a death occurs to someone who is close to you, at some point in the course of your grieving, you can't help but think of that old saying, "Life is too short." However, when a suicide occurs, you can't help but be reminded of how fragile the human soul is. It makes you want to just stop all of the pointless bullshit that is happening in your life; tie those threads of relationships that somehow got undone and frayed and tighten the ones that you hold dear to make them stronger.

One of the speakers at the memorial service said of our mutual friend, that he is like a button, (one of the most overlooked inventions in the history of fashion design); when you lose a button from your shirt within the day; you still wear it as you always have - but you know something is missing, and it just doesn't feel right.

Too all of my family and friends: those I know, and those I have yet to meet; those I have lost through loss of communication, an unfortunate event or to the fates:

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and do not share my emotions as often as I should. Each and every one of you has made me who I am today, and for that I am truly thankful. Each and every one of you holds a special place in my heart. If our paths have gone separate ways, I will remember you always and forever hope that our paths will cross again. If our paths are still joined, I am grateful every day for the friendship we share and always look forward to seeing you again soon. You are very special to me, and although I may never say it (and at times you may not think it), you mean so much to me. Thank you for being in my life.

Stick A Fork In Me

2005-11-17T16:13:00.000-06:00

Mood: Happy
Song: The Buzz of the Fluorescent Fixture In My Office
Units of Caffeine: 2 (Yes. Amazing as it seems, it's a little after 4:00 in the afternoon and only two cups of coffee today. What's happening to me!?!?)
Days Until Graduation: 29
Days Until Thesis Is Due: 14

I've decided that I am done! Well... for today, anyway. I have spent the past four days diligently working on my thesis project; worrying about deadlines; dealing with an unfortunate death; and fighting with the people at Modern Language Association - My brain is properly fried and it is time for a break. So, I am giving myself tonight off from even thinking about the Renaissance period, Commedia dell'Arte or... you know what? Theatre in general. I am just completely on the verge of being burned out.

The good news is that two weeks from today, all of this will be done and over with; and one month from today, I will have my Master's degree. I also had my last weekly meeting with Froggy today, (since next Thursday is Thanksgiving; and the Thursday after that is the day in which a present my completed work to my committee.) The meeting made me feel very good about how things were going. Froggy wasn't too apathetic this week and assured me that I was doing good work. This came at a good time since I spend all freaking morning trying to figure out how to cite a few Medieval tunes. It's like trying to cite "Happy Birthday." An author? A year? Anyone you know who actually published the song? Actually, "Happy Birthday" is a pretty bad example since I read somewhere on the Mythbusters web site that someone actually holds the royalties to the song. (Man; talk about getting screwed out of a lot of money.) But, you get the gist. I actually ended up calling someone at the Modern Language Association of America about this. You know, as frustrating as this sounds, I was actually entertained by the thought of someone who's job it is to promote language. Who on earth would do that? Talk about your crappy jobs.

So, anyway... it's now 4:36 in the p.m. and I'm going to start doing nothing right now.

Let the nothing begin!!!

Back On Track

2005-11-16T06:56:00.000-06:00

Mood: Okay
Music: Storms In Africa - Enya
Units of Caffeine: 0.25
Days Until Graduation: 30
Days Until Thesis Is Due: 15

To some, it probably isn't a big surprise that I had to take a couple of days off from blogging; to some it will be a surprise that it wasn't necessarily due to working on my thesis. Early Sunday afternoon I received word that one of my friends had killed himself. I have tried writing about this two times before this entry, and I am in hopes that I can get this one out. I guess I just don't have the words to describe how I've been feeling these past few days, or it's just difficult for me to write about - In the past failed entries, all that came out were random, disconnected thoughts. I'll promise myself this: regardless of how this bog entry turns out, I'm posting it.

It wasn't until halfway through the day yesterday before I began to feel 'normal' again, but Monday was just entirely weird - It's hard to describe, but I guess the best way I can put it is that I felt very 'out of body.' Over the past few days, I have had a surge of emotion ranging from depression to anger. The man was a parent; a mentor; and an educator. For a long time thoughts like, "How could he do this?" and "How selfish!" raced through my head. The man was a responsible adult. How could he come to such a rash decision? I know this must sound a bit ironic coming from one who was also suicidal, but this is quite different from my experience. I was 17 when I dealt with it. As harsh as this is to say, teens are almost expected to make rash decisions. As a teen, I remember feeling like the world was collapsing around me and there wasn't a single person who could understand. It was indeed, very egocentric. But I remember not being able to see the larger picture - I couldn't see two weeks ahead of me, let alone years. I couldn't see the people it would affected if I succeeded. If I knew then what I know now, suicide would never have been an option. As an adult, you should be able to see the larger picture. It wasn't until a little later, when I was speaking to another friend of mine who is a psychologist that this wasn't a matter of thinking like an adolescent vs. thinking like an adult. It was a matter of thinking like a stable person vs. thinking like a person who is severely depressed. This statement really took a toll on me. For about three or four years of my life, I went through a very dark period. I suffered a depression that I thought would never go away. Up until now, I had honestly thought that this was purely an adolescent issue. I have felt that it was like acne: Now that I'm out of my teen years, I don't need to worry about it. But now I find out that everyone has the potential to sink this low; it is not just a teen issue.... like acne. This is not to say that I feel as if *BANG* I'm going to go back into a deep depression. I know that it is all a matter of control. My friend died because he lost that control. I am very aware of myself, and I will never lose that control.

I guess what also hurts is the knowledge that my friend was going through that and although he had a very large group of friends, not many people knew about it. Depression is a hard, treacherous road. Something no one should travel alone.

Motivation?

2005-11-11T06:38:00.000-06:00

Mood: Exhausted
Song: Eileen's Song - Burlap To Cashmere
Units of Caffeine: 2 or 3 sips
Days Until Graduation: 35
Days Until Thesis Is Due: 20

It's 6:40 in the a.m. and I have no motivation to do anything today. It's not to say that I feel like climbing back into bed, (which is what I would probably do anyway if it were the weekend or anything) - I'm not tired; I just feel completely drained of everything.

This week I really gained a lot of momentum with the thesis project and started getting quite a bit done. I was still a little clueless about some aspects of it, but I worked my way through them and really started to get this thing going. Not only was the project coming along, but I was slowly, but surely checking off all that little shit required of the Graduate School prior to graduation. I was feeling better this week because of an evening I had last Saturday. K and I actually got out of our working world for a while and enjoyed a nice dinner out at one of our favorite local restaurants with a very good friend of mine whom I haven't seen since May. After dinner we went and saw that play in the dark I briefly wrote about last week.

The full title of the play is "The True History of The Tragic Life and Triumphant Death of Julia Pastrana, The Ugliest Woman In The World." The interesting thing about this play is that, in order to gain the production rights, one must agree to perform the show completely in the dark. I went into the show, quite honestly not knowing what to expect, (other than a dark theatre, of course). I had to laugh at myself because, when I was seated, I immediately turned around to ask the person behind me if she could see alright. Hey, what can I say? I'm a creature of habit. The show was actually really, really good. The production took the element of sight away from the audience, but put a lot more emphasis on sound and, (a few things we almost never utilize in a theatrical bag of tricks:) smell and touch. If there are any theatre people reading this and you ever hear of this show being done in your area, I'd highly recommend seeing this show. If for nothing else, to experience a show which forces actors, directors and designers to think outside of the proverbial box.

So, it was great to just get out and experience theatre as an audience member. I hate it that I don't get enough of that. Since I'm always involved in theatre in some way, I almost never have the time to go and actually see a show. I think the last time K and I saw a show with which neither of us were involved was last December! Gad! That's way too long! But anyway... I can't really say how, but this show inspired me in some way. It gave me the spark I needed to really get moving on my thesis. My friend also played a really good part in doing this. My friend graduated from the department last year; he's very driven and has really good artistic vision. I admire him a lot. So, I told him about the frustrations I was having with my thesis project - how the Renaissance Madrigal Banquet died and, all of a sudden, I have a professional paper to pull out of my ass; and how the department is being so nonchalant about the whole thing. Working as a G.A. for a while, my friend told me that he feels that the department has a lot of confidence in me, which is why they are sort of just letting me take off in any direction I choose. He told me that he has seen other grad students who weren't doing so well and how they were hounded by the department every second of the day, demanding more and more from these folks. So, I was feeling good, knowing that if I were on the wrong track, I would be feeling it. But still, I wish there were a happy medium between being smothered with constant pestering and prodding from the department and almost complete isolation.

I met with Froggy yesterday for our weekly meeting to discuss the progress of the paper and something required from the Graduate School. I showed Froggy my introduction, of which I had made three drafts. She skimmed it quickly and said with an "I don't care" tone: "Okay." I asked if it was too short or too long; if she felt that I needed to add, delete or change anything; do anything at all to ameliorate the paper! She responded with, "No. It's easy to read and very direct." Well, hell... That's like saying that something is simply "adequate." "How was your dinner?" "Oh, it filled my stomach."

So then I moved on to the paper required by the Graduate School. I have very mixed feelings about what happened here: Although my projects are due on December 1st, apparently the Graduate School wants proof that they are completed by next Thursday. So, the Graduate School is requiring me to submit a form to be signed by my thesis committee, stating that I am done with my final projects. Before I could fully explain this to Froggy, she had signed the paper. I told her that paper she just signed states that I am done. She said, "Okay." So, then I went to the department director. (She also sits on my committee). She also signed it, with no questions asked. I then went to the third out of four members on my committee, who also signed it without question.

On one hand, I am glad that I'm not getting any resistance on this, since it is due to the Graduate School in less than a week, but on the other, I wish that my department acted as if they cared about it. I went back to my office, put the paper away and just let my mind wander for the remainder of the day. It's hard to get motivated about something when so many people have that "I don't care" attitude. I guess I am just so sick of working so hard on something only to either have it fade away, or have little recognition. I totally hate having this attitude, but right now all I want to do is finish this thing and get the hell out of here. So, today I will continue to work on the projects here and there. But I'm sure as hell not going to go through three drafts of it.

Apathy isn't a given trait; it's learned.

A Sad Day

2005-11-09T06:54:00.000-06:00

Mood: Disappointed
Song: Keep On Loving You - REO Speedwagon
Units of Caffeine: 0.5
Days Until Graduation: 37

Just a touch over five years ago I moved to this state. I moved here because my heart told me to. (No, my heart didn't say: "Move to Texas. It's a glorious state!") I moved here because I wanted to be with K. K and I have been together, off and on, for ten years, but the first five were very tempestuous. If you knew either of us during that time, you probably wouldn't know for certain whether or not the relationship would work out. However, five years ago K and I learned a lot about ourselves; Our lives took different paths for a while, forcing us to do a lot of introspection. Since I moved here, we got married and are enjoying a very strong relationship. Our relationship is based on unconditional love and trust in each other and neither K nor I feel that anything in heaven or earth threatens this base. To think that anything outside of ourselves could threaten our love for each other is ludicrous!

Also, since moving to Texas, K and I have forged many strong friendships. Although I moved here with several of the typical stereotypes associated with Texas; K & I have found an ever-growing list of things that we enjoy about this state, 1,500 miles from our "home" in the northeast. As previously stated, we have found some great friends; we've found a thriving theatre community that pulses throughout the entire Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex; we have seen the beauty of the Hill Country and enjoy our regular weekend getaways to San Antonio. Due to the availability of land and real estate, we were able to purchase a house; even with our modest "artist's earnings." I can honestly say that, with the exception of a few snags here and there, (which one could find in any state), we have a good life in the Lone Star State. But then, every once in a while, Texas shows its true color, and all I can see is red.

I am not surprised that Proposition 2 passed; however, I feel that it is something that should never have been put on the ballot in the first place. Yes, I had a glimmer of hope - The thought that people could, for just a moment, look beyond their own personal beliefs and see the larger issue here. It's at times like these where I see Texas Pride turn into Texas Stubborn. It's at times like these where I get so thoroughly disgusted with this state and look ever more forward to moving to Seattle next year.

Blackout!

2005-11-07T14:16:00.000-06:00

Mood: Happy
Song: Dream On - Aerosmith
Units of Caffeine: 1
Days Until Graduation: 39

Happy Monday, everybody! It's hard to believe that a Monday can be better than a Friday, but it is. At about 9:00 this morning, the power went out on half the campus; including my building. So... we sat in our office suite, doing nothing for a while. It only took about an hour or so for us to find out what was going on. And by noon, I was allowed to go home. Yay! It's a Monday and I had a half day of work!

However... it is a little bittersweet as I had some things that I really needed to do today in regards to graduation. And, of course, Froggy is no where to be found today. One of my friends is a grad assistant who works in the office across from hers. I'm arranging it so that he calls me if/when he sees her go into her office. It's so retarded, but whatever works, eh?

I'm looking at the photo above, and I'm a little depressed. You see, that photo was taken during a workshop session of the "Dublin Project." I know it looks kind of weird, but I felt the most inspired and most creative I have ever felt during these workshops and during my time in Ireland. Now I find myself sitting behind a computer most of the day, writing a paper about theatre, hoping that I'm doing it right. Gad! What a difference a year makes!

Missing It

2005-11-05T10:13:00.000-06:00

Mood: Slightly Depressed
Song: Underneath It All - No Doubt
Units of Caffeine: 0!
Days Until Graduation: 41

So, I think I have decided that I could never go for a PhD. You wanna' know why? Because I am so sick if planting myself in front of a computer for hours every day writing about theatre. I need to be doing it! And now I'm just craving some stage time. I looked at my acting resume recently and noticed that I'm now averaging one role per year. Of course, this isn't saying that I'm not active in theatre - producing, directing and stage managing take a crap-load of time. But now I'm seeing productions come and go -- nay, auditions come and go, and where am I? In my office! Gawd, I can't wait for this semester to be over with. I will be done!! I think this spring I may get out of the production team scene and just do one or two acting gigs. I've found one more thing that I love about acting: when you are acting, you only have to worry about yourself!

The Weekend Is Here - is it?

2005-11-04T09:26:00.000-06:00

Mood: Worn
Song: Anthem - Chess Cast Recording
Units of Caffeine: 3.25
Days Until Graduation: 42

I guess this shouldn't come as any surprise to me, but I didn't meet with my advisor yesterday. Every Thursday afternoon we have a Major's Meeting in the theatre and I've made a point to scheduling a meeting with my graduate advisor every week after the meeting because it is the only time during the week where I know where I she will be and know that she will definitely be there. This wee, however, we are in production - and the Major's Meetings are cancelled during production week. Therefore, there was no guarantee that I would see Froggy this week. This isn't to say that I didn't try: I made several phone calls (and left many voice mail messages) and wrote just as many e-mails. I guess I wouldn't feel too bad about it if I didn't have two important pieces of paper due to the Graduate School in two weeks: the Commencement Information Form and my Final Examination Form. The forms themselves were easy enough to complete; it's getting them approved and signed by everyone that will take the full length of the two weeks, (if not more), which is why I'm panicking.

In the meantime, I'm continuing my relationship with my research, my computer and my MLA handbook; which will probably continue through the weekend. Thankfully, I will have a break from the paper tomorrow evening when K and I will join a friend for dinner before seeing and interesting sounding play that will be presented entirely in the dark. I'll write more about that after seeing... er, rather... not seeing it.

Proposition 2

2005-11-03T16:33:00.000-06:00

It was only a matter of time before this hit the Texas ballots: an amendment to the Texas state constitution with the motive to ban same-sex marriage, known simply as Proposition 2. I was originally going to write about how much such an amendment is a blatant form of discrimination and government control. But my focus has now shifted to the blatant stupidity of Texas government. Let's take a close look at the proposition, shall we. Here is the actual language the Texas Marriage Amendment would write into the Constitution, Article 32, Texas Bill of Rights:

(a) Marriage in this state shall consist only of the union of one man and one woman.
(b) This state or a political subdivision of this state may not create or recognize any legal status identical or similar to marriage.

This is both sad and funny all at the same time. You see, in their haste to discriminate against same-sex couples, it appears that Texas legislatures left out a few key words invalidating all marriage. Let's simplify it a little:

(a) Defines marriage as between one man and one woman
(b) prohibits recognition of (a)

If you think I'm splitting hairs on this, there's an organization that is dedicated to pointing this little flaw out. All I can say is that November 9th will be a very interesting day in the state of Texas if this amendment passes.

Dates

2005-11-03T15:13:00.000-06:00

Mood: Wired
Song: Dreaming of Fiji - Truman Show Soundtrack
Units of Caffeine: 7
Days Until Graduation: 43

Wow. It's November. Five years ago yesterday, I moved to Texas. Ten years ago this Thanksgiving, I met K. One month from this past Tuesday, my graduate projects will be due. Gah! I finally started writing today. I know what you're asking: "What have you been doing all this time?" Well, I haven't been sitting on my ass. My notes are gathered and I put them in order, yes. But then comes the introduction.

How do you start? How does one start anything? I have no problem once the momentum is there, but getting started is the thing. This is usually why my first paragraph or two of papers suck ass, but the rest of the test is pretty good. So, I began this monster task a few days ago by jotting thoughts on paper; words, paragraphs, fragments, segments, bits of genius, lengths of crap, etc... Nothing was coming together - it just looked like a really rough patchquilt of everything I had been doing for the past eleven months and none of it made any sense. So, I finally decided to start this thing as I start every bit of writing I had ever done and just start writing. Oh, sure, I know it's crap; I'm positive I'm going to go back and change all of it - But I've got to start somewhere. And so I've started. It's pretty funny: I haven't even begun to scratch the surface and already my paper is loger than that of a former grad student in my department who graduated last year. Her final paper, along with her project was a whopping four pages long! I think it would be a real challenge for me to keep my paper at four pages and explain everything!

So, after working on the thing for about five hours today, I've decided to take a breather and blog. As, I've said, it's November. So, does someone want to explain to me why my city is in a Red Flag warning??? It's freaking November!! It should be cold! It should be nippy! But no, right now I'm sweating in my office and there's a chance of wildfires!

WTF?

Quote of the Day

2005-11-02T16:29:00.000-06:00

"Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs."

On Trick-Or-Treating II

2005-11-01T10:53:00.000-06:00

Mood: Pensive
Song: Erin Gra Mo Chroi - Cherish the Ladies
Units of Caffeine: 3.5
Days Until Graduation: 45

So, last night was cool: I did everything I planned - It was an evening of eating, drinking and being scary. And we had trick-or-treaters. Yes... we had trick-or-treaters. Since I was cooking, K did the majority of the door answering / candy distribution, but I always asked to make sure that they "earned the candy," and, for the most part, they did. That is, until about 8:30 or so. This is meaning to say that, as the hour got later, the "trick-or-treaters" got more ghetto. Here's the difference:

The 7:00 p.m. Trick-or-Treater
Doorbell rings once.
K goes to the door to a cute little princess saying, "twick or tweet."
K distributes some chocolately goodness to the princess and the little girls responds with a courteous, "thank you."

The 9:00 p.m. Trick-or-Treater
The doorbell rings 15 times in succession.
K answers the door to 3 or 4 people in regular clothing (no costume), who look at her and say, "Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn! Dat's a big ol' bucket of candy! Gimme!"

Needless to say, we blew out our Jack-o-Lantern after the 9:00 Trick-or-Treater hit our house. Thankfully, I snagged some free bags of crappy gum that we received in our office to give out as free samples. If the trick-or-treater was unruly or not in costume, they got the crappy gum. I mean, at one point I answered the door to three girls in their mid-teens who were in street clothes. I asked, "Where are your costumes?" The girls said, "We're too old to be wearing costumes," to which I responded, "Well, maybe then you're too old to go trick-or-treating." One of the girls noticed the mountain of chocolate in my hand and said, "Ooooooooo, I NEED some of the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup!" (Um... no one needs a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup), but I told her that since she has no costume, she gets no chocolate.

I have no qualms about becoming the Halloween Nazi!

On Trick-Or-Treating

2005-10-31T15:24:00.000-06:00

Mood: Happy
What's On: The Most Haunted Live web cams
Units of Caffeine: 4

Okay, so I want to talk about that age-old tradition of "trick-or-treating." Now, if you think about it, it's pretty damn cool! I mean, it's amazing in this day and age that there is a day where kids can go up to a house of someone they don't know; ring the doorbell; say the magic words, "Trick or treat!" and get some free candy. Pretty damn amazing, ain't it? This is something that I participated in through high school; (yes, some people thought I was too old, but damn them all! It's free candy!) But, regardless of my age, I knew that the candy was NOT free. There is a small price to pay. I knew that in order to get candy, I had to be in costume. It's the unwritten rule in the Halloween Handbook. As an adult, I SERIOUSLY know that candy is far from free. Of course, when purchasing the goods, I think about the most important person in this scenario: ME! That is, if I get stuck with a ton of candy for whatever reason, I want it to be candy I like. So, I don't get the cheap "ass candy" - You know what I'm talking about: Hard, tasteless candy like Ju-Ju Bees or Mary Janes; I get the good stuff. Namely, CHOCOLATE! So, I loaded up on $30 to $40 worth of various kinds of Chocolate and dumped it all into a huge bowl, which I have called, "The Bowl of Glory!" It is truly a site to behold. Mmmmmmmmmm! So... here I am with my "Bowl of Glory," filled with goodies that truly NO child in their right mind would hate, and I have one rule. The unwritten rule. Which means: No costume. No candy! Now, I understand that if there's a kid who is 2 or something who is bundled up in a huge coat to keep warm isn't in any sort of costume - okay. But if there are any 8 - 11 year olds, begging for free candy who can't even come up with some last-minute thing, then you know what they can get from me? MY ASS!

Seriously, though! I'm not asking for much; just a bloody costume! I don't care if you come as Adam Sandler doing the stupid, "I'm crazy spoon head" bit - it's something.

Halloween!

2005-10-31T11:10:00.000-06:00

Mood: Tired
Song: Forever Young - Alphaville
Days Until Graduation: 46
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

So, it's Halloween; perhaps my favorite day of the year; and I think I made a poor choice in my costume. Well, it's not to say that I had a lot of choices here - You see, my office loves themes. No, really.... they love themes!! I didn't have a problem with the "villains" theme or the "80s" theme; but it started to get a little tired last year when my office decided on "cheerleaders". Since I was doing the Dublin workshops at this time last year, I "didn't have time" to find a cheerleading outfit. Damn.

This summer, the theme was chosen based on a program my office is doing in an effort to increase awareness in student leadership opportunities: "Go Bananas!" So, my co-workers decided that we should all dress up like bananas. Umm..... no. In an effort to keep from looking like and idiot, yet still look like a team player, I said that "it would be really cool if I made myself up to look like a monkey!" No, I really didn't care to be a monkey, but it sure beat being a banana. So, I spent a couple of months acquiring what I needed for my makeup design, and it looked as if it was going to come out quite well.

My makeup plot for this thing required use of crepe hair. Quite a bit of it. So, last night, I decided to do a test run, using some blonde crepe hair I knew I would never use, and make myself a beard in order to get an idea of what I was doing and how long it would take. I looked up some information on how to apply a beard using crepe hair and followed the instructions. The instructions I found used a technique called layering in which you would take small amounts of crepe hair and affix them to your face, bit by bit with spirit gum. Let me tell you, this has got to be the messiest way of accomplishing this! Not only was I getting hair stuck all over the place, but one of my cats decided that I was doing it wrong and that I needed her help. She jumped up on my work area, but because my hands were just two big wads of sticky spirit gum and crepe hair, I couldn't pick the cat up and throw her off, lest I get cat hair all over my hands and (worse) spirit gum all over the cat. She climbed all over my makeup and knocked over the open bottle of spirit gum. I screamed bloody murder at the cat! Not because of the sticky, saplike substance that was now all over the bathroom sink and floor - but because of my aforementioned fear of spirit gum getting on the cat. If that had happened, I would seriously had to have shaved the sticky fur off the cat. Oh, man, I am SO glad that I didn't have to go there.

So, I completed the beard, and it didn't look half bad. Too bad that it has on my hands and not on my face. So, I cleaned up and thought that the whole crepe hair thing was probably a bad idea. So, I pulled out my Elvira wig (don't ask) and tried it on with the monkey face. It didn't work. I mean, I don't mind being funny; but that was absolutely ridiculous. So, I went to bed without a real solution to the problem. When I woke up at 4:00 this morning, it hit me! I could create little swatches of fur using liquid latex - and that's exactly what I did! So, I showered and got right to it! It worked well, but I didn't have enough crepe hair to cover the entire face, so I just put a cap on, which took care of the lack of crepe hair on my brow. So, at quarter after seven this morning, I looked in the mirror with a satisfied look on my face.

Then another problem hit me.

The prosthetic piece I'm using on my face does not allow me to eat anything, nor does it make it especially easy to drink anything. So, here it is: 11:17 in the a.m. I've been awake for over seven hours now with no food and (more importantly) NO COFFEE! So, I'm hungry and bitchy. Fun, no?

So....since I have now established that I'm in a bitchy mood, let me gripe about my co-workers a little. I came in, expecting them to look like... well.... bananas. Nope. They're all wearing yellow sweats and yellow tee shirts. WTF? That's what you call a banana? Hell, I could have done that and been a hell of a lot more comfortable than I am now! I mean... it doesn't look like bananas at all. It kinda makes me look like an idiot. I mean, it looks like the theme was PJs and I just misunderstood the assignment. Either that or the theme is "Planet of the Apes Reject Goes To A Sorority Slumber Party."

Friday Again

2005-10-28T08:35:00.000-05:00

Mood: Blah
Song: Baroque Samba - New York Voices
Units of Caffeine: 2 - (going slow this morning)
Days Until Graduation: 49

Ah, yes... It's Friday again, and as you know it's my least favorite day of the week. This morning, I'm sitting in my office with not a thing to do and not a student in site anywhere in the Union. I have a suspicion that today is going to be a long day. And to make thing worse, Blogger won't let me upload any photos today! Gah!

Progress has been made with the thesis. My meeting with Froggy yesterday actually went quite well. As she requested last week, I went through all of my crap and organizaed it into a series of folders divided as follows:

Commedia dell'Arte History
Madrigal Music
The Masque
Project Conception
Planning & Development
- Venue
- Caterer
- Budget
- Marketing
- Box Office Procedures
Pre-Production
Problem Solving / Triage

She seemed a bit overwhelmed with the amount of work that I presented to her; in fact, she even indicated that I had already done more work than is usually required for the projects. I cannot tell you how happy I am that someone of importance has finally recognized this fact. I guess it's one thing to talk about it, but completely different when you actually see the amount of work that was done. So, my two projects are amended as follows:

Project I:
A paper that will discuss and show the process of producing a madrigal banquet, from its conception last December to now. It will also tell why the production went unproduced and give details on how these problems could be solved for a future production.

Project II:
A working production script of the complete madrigal banquet.

In this way, I will not lose any of the work that I have already put into this thing.

Huzzah!

Scary

2005-10-28T06:54:00.000-05:00

Mood: Waking
Song: Come Undone - Duran Duran
Units of Caffeine: Working on 1st cup
Days Until Graduation: 49

So, Halloween is in the air! I know, I know... you're probably saying, "Uh.... Doctor... Where the hell have you been?" But seriously, although Halloween is my favorite time of year, I haven't really felt it until a day or two ago. Hell, it wasn't until a little over a week ago that it even felt like Fall around here. But now there are pumpkins, spooks and a certain crispness in the air that I associate with Halloween. (Of course, the Texas Fall crispness differs from the Fall crispness in the northeast, but I'll take what I can get.) Unfortunately, I will miss a big Halloween shin-dig tomorrow night because my in-laws will be in town (dammit), but Halloween night I am planning on using my makeup design skills to create a masterpiece, using my face as the canvas; watching really good, bad horror movies; and passing out goodies to the neighborhood ghouls. Speaking of make-up; I'm pretty excited since I have client this year. That is, a friend of mine has 'hired' me to do her makeup design this Halloween. I have designed shows before, (but nothing stylized), and I've obviously designed my own face for Halloween several times, but this is the first time that I will be doing someone else's Halloween makeup. (Well, actually, I remember doing something on the fly for a friend in 1997 - It came out really well, but I didn't get to take a picture of it for my portfolio). Anywho... I am hoping that I can sell myself as a makeup artist for several Halloween events in the future - here we go!

Dexter's Halloween Mix
(a.k.a The Doc's Levels of Hell)

Prologue - Little Shop of Horrors
The Great Pumpkin Waltz - Chick Corea
Skalloween - The Skatalites
Hell - Squirrel Nut Zippers
Ghost Town - The Specials
Time Warp - The Rocky Horror Show (Roxy cast recording)
Epiphany - Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street
Sober - Tool
Haunted - Poe
(Don't Fear) The Reaper - Caesars*
Burn - The Cure
More Human Than Human - White Zombie
Black No.1 (Little Miss Scare-All) - Type O Negative
Juke Joint Jezebel - K.M.F.D.M.
Burn - Nine Inch Nails
Dogma - Marilyn Manson
Love You To Death - Type O Negative

*For the purists wondering why I didn't "add more cowbell" with the Blue Oyster Cult, I couldn't fit their original version on the disc, so I had to use the Caesars shorter version.

If All The World's A Stage, Why Am I Always In The Pit?

2005-10-26T15:33:00.000-05:00

Mood: Tired
Song: Fall Down - Toad The Wet Sprocket
Units of Caffeine: Not nearly enough!
Days Until Graduation: 51

Holy crap! has it really been that long since my last blog entry? God, what a slacker am I! Well, I have been going through spurts of energy, in which I work on research; then bits of depression; then spurts of work again; then sessions of laziness; rinse; repeat. Right now I'm in the midst of a lazy period - probably because I've been working on the Thesis for the past three hours sans pause. About a week or so ago, I felt like I had a mountain of data with no place to put it. Now I have and organized mountain of data with no place to put it. I have a meeting with Froggy tomorrow afternoon to figure out what to do with it. I honestly have no idea how to create a paper or papers out of this as it is all information on how to create a production; a lot of it in the form of e-mail to and from several people. Although the actual production ceases to exist, this whole thing is extremely draining. Since K is between production weekends, I do the majority of my thesis work at work so that I have time to just veg on the couch with K at night.

Other than this constant pattern of work - depression - work - laziness; not much has been happening in my world.

I feel...

so...

very...

milquetoast.

Fridays

2005-10-21T15:00:00.000-05:00

Mood: Frustrated
Song: Overture - The Nightmare Before Christmas
Units of Caffeine: 4
Days Until Graduation: 56

Hey, does anyone know why Patrick Stewart narrates the prologue on the soundtrack to The Nightmare Before Christmas but not in the movie? Just a random question.... Anyway, it's Friday, which means that there will be drinking tonight. Unfortunately, it also means that I won't get anything done today in terms of schoolwork progress. Well, I mean, I will do everything I can do on my own, but anything else - Not a chance. Yesterday I submitted my Master's Degree Plan knowing in the back of my mind that something would be wrong with it. Sure enough, there was a voice message from Chair on my phone this morning telling me just that. Before I go on with the details of what was wrong with my degree plan, I need to tell you how the department works a little bit. Just like any degree plan, you have to complete a group of core classes and a bunch of classes that you get to pick and choose. All of the core classes are specifically titled within the graduate catalogue: Contemporary Theatre; Theatre History I & II; Criticism & Analysis; etc. However, the "other" classes have a vague listing as "Special Topics" or "Problems in Production" with a subheading, stating what the class is really about. The subheadings are always listed in the semester schedules and look like this:

DRAM 555 01 Special Topics - Stage Management
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics - Advanced Makeup Design

However, the subheadings do not appear on your transcript until you've completed your degree plan. So, a transcript including the above listed classes without a completed degree plan would look like this:

DRAM 555 01 Special Topics
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics

Does anyone notice the problem with this? No? Well, what if half of your transcript looked like this:

DRAM 555 01 Special Topics
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics
DRAM 555 01 Special Topics

Now, first of all, I would really like it if my transcript showed the description of all of the classes like in the schedules. (Right now my transcript just makes me look like a damn moron.) But even more than that, I would like to believe that the University worked as a whole and that the drama department talks with the graduate school and vice versa. I would like to think that the drama department would tell the graduate school about this detail in their programming so that it doesn't look like I just took the same class over and over again. But wishing that offices on this (and any) campus would actually talk to each other is such a pipe dream! Chair called me to say that my degree plan had been rejected because, (surprise, surprise), the graduate school stated that "I had taken the same class multiple times." Chair told me that I need to indicate the topic on my degree plan in order to both tell the graduate school that I'm not an idiot and to update my transcript. So, then I ask Chair if she has a file on me or anything to show which classes were what. This probably shouldn't have come to a surprise as well, but Chair told me that she didn't have it and that it was my responsibility to keep track of what classes I've taken. Okay, true, I think it is my responsibility to keep my files in order, but don't you think the university should also be keeping track of this stuff? I mean, at this point I feel as if the university has given me something akin to a blank check in which I can just make up shit and include any topic on want on these things. (Of course, I won't. It would only bite me in the ass within the professional world if they saw that I had a class in "advanced scenic design" and then quickly found out that I didn't know yak shit about it.) But dammit... this is just another piece of shit that I had to deal with! As if I don't have anything to do.

So, this morning I worked on finding out what the titles were of the classes I took over the past three and a half years and dealt with my financial aid exit interview, which wasn't an interview. In undergrad, I remember scheduling a meeting with a financial aid counselor for an interview, and I remember sitting down with her and being very helpful with telling me what to expect; what to do if I had financial difficulties; etc... Now, everything is on line. (Another non-surprise!) So, instead of spending ten of fifteen minutes talking with a real, live person, I had to spend over two hours with a not-so-friendly web site. Everything would have been quick and dandy if and only if everything were working properly.... but it didn't. I sat in front of my computer, at the last page of the "interview", trying to submit on on-line form with all of my personal information on it, confirming that I had completed the interview. Although I had completed all of the required fields necessary for the form, I would constantly get a pop-up message telling me that I had not completed all of the required fields. So, I go through the web site looking for some tech support number or any contact phone number, only to find e-mail addresses. After a while, I found a phone number! EUREKA! I called and there was a voice recording referring me to the web site for which I was having problems!

I then marched my disgruntled ass to the financial aid office on campus and vented my frustrations. They let me use one of their computers and it all worked out. However... Immediately after I completed the on-line bullshit, they gave me a form to fill out that, I kid you not, was the exact same thing as what I just filled out on-line.

Your Theme Music

2005-10-20T14:41:00.000-05:00

Mood: Pensive
Song: The Promise - When In Rome
Units of Caffeine: 12
Days Until Graduation: 57

You know, I have often asked people, "If you had a theme song, what would it be?" Usually the question is followed by a short laugh, (as if to say, "Hey, what an interestingly random question"), which is followed by a quizzical look, (as if to say, "Wow, that's not an easy question to answer.") Truth be told, I can't answer the question about myself. I mean, there's a lot of pressure involved in finding your own theme song. Perhaps this is a question that can't even be answered - What song can encompass everything that makes you you?

So, I've scaled the question down to, "What 15 songs would be on your soundtrack?" Of course, I haven't answered that question for myself yet, either, but I'm working on it. It takes time to go through both my CD collection and my umpteen thousand songs in iTunes to get the perfect mix; the 15 songs that say "This Is Who I Am." But I am getting into things by categorizing a bit. Here we go:

Three CDs I could listen to over and over again:
Ten – Pearl Jam
The Singles Collection – The Specials
When Harry Met Sally – Harry Connick Jr.

Three Soundtracks I Could Not Live Without:
Six Feet Under, Vol. 2: Everything Ends
Natural Born Killers
The Commitments

Three Favorite Musical Scores/Cast Recordings/Concept Albums:
(Thank you Theatre Tiger for making me obsess over the correct terminology)
Sweeney Todd
The Rocky Horror Show
The Nightmare Before Christmas*
*Yeah, I know it's not really in the realm of "Showtunes" but it can't really be classified as a Soundtrack. But then again, if we're splitting hairs, neither can The Commitments. Oh well, it's my list dammit! Who are you to judge?

Three Movie Scores That I Love:
The Truman Show
The Shawshank Redemption
American Beauty

Three Songs That Make Me Cry:
Mad World – Gary Jules
And Dream of Sheep – Kate Bush
Shelter – Sarah McLachlan

Three of my Favorite Alt. Rock Albums:
Everything You Want – Vertical Horizon
Dulcinea – Toad The Wet Sprocket
Enima of the State – Blink 182

Three Artists/Bands that I Adore that I know no one knows:
Kilgore Trout
Dr. Pocket
Too Hectic

Three of My Guilty Pleasures:
Vanessa Carlton
Supertramp
Michael Jackson

Three of My Favorite Not-So-Serious Bands:
They Might Be Giants
Barenaked Ladies
Dead Milkmen

Too Tech?

2005-10-19T16:26:00.000-05:00

Mood: Bored
Song: Wasting My Life - The Hippos
Units of Caffeine: 8.75
Days Until Graduation: 58

At the risk of sounding like I don't like change or anything, whatever happened to the days of customer service where you could go somewhere and talk to someone about a problem you're having? Right now I'm close enough to graduation where I want to make sure that I have killed enough trees for my University. The amount of paperwork the University requires when entering or exiting the institution is nothing short of astounding. And, of course, if you've missed one minor detail, you've fucked yourself royally! So, as displayed on my countdown, there are only fifty-eight days until graduation and I wasn't sure what the University needed of me in order to make sure that every "i" was dotted and every "t" crossed. As luck would have it, I received an e-mail from the registrar a few days ago advertising a Graduate Fair scheduled for today and tomorrow, where I could go and "take care of all the pesky details needed to graduate." So, I go to the graduate fair, loaded with questions and concerns and left about an hour later without a single question answered nor a concern addressed. Here is what happened: At every booth I went to, I was given the same response; "Go to our web site." At one point, late in the hour, one representative at a certain booth asked, "Have you visited our web site?" to which I responded, "No. That's why I'm here."

Again, I'm all for technology and all the information that the web has to offer, but why should I have to go to a web site... nay, why should I have to go to web sites when I'm at a supposed information fair? It's like going to a bank teller who simply points out the ATM across the street. So, instead of walking away from this fair full of answers and forms needed by various offices in order to graduate; I walked away with a bunch of little slips of paper, all containing long phrases beginning with "http://"

On a positive note, I ordered my cap, gown and masters hood, making the graduation date just a little more real.

Molly Ivins

2005-10-19T07:19:00.000-05:00

About a week old, here is a really great commentary on another stupid thing that's going on with Dubya.

http://www.workingforchange.com/article.cfm?itemid=19727

Hello, My Name Is Stupid

2005-10-18T11:41:00.000-05:00

Mood: Stupid
Song: Vox- Sarah McLachlan
Units of Caffeine: 4
Days until Graduation: 59

The weekend has come and gone and although I didn't do anything, it was anything but relaxing. With only eight weeks left within the semester, I have no direction with which to finish my degree. I had a meeting with the graduate adviser as per Chair, since she is one of the older members of the faculty and has more experience with academic papers. I will call the graduate adviser Froggy because she kinda' looks like one. So, I had a meeting with Froggy yesterday. I didn't get much accomplished, but I do feel a little better. I mean, she said something along the lines of:

"Look, I know that you're probably losing sleep (yes!) and worried to death about
this thing (yes, again!), but really, don't put any deadlines on yourself.
Just meet with me on a regular basis and we will work on this together; step by
step. If you get anxious, just keep saying to yourself, 'I will graduate
in December.'"

Froggy then told me to just organize all the material I had in some fashion and we'll regroup to discuss what happens next. On one hand I hate this micro-managing approach to the project, but on the other, I think I would have a panic attack every five minutes or so if I kept looking at the big picture. But there is one thing that the Froggy and the rest of the faculty does that really irritates me: the keep saying, "Don't worry. You will work through this. I know you will." I hate that! My project was cancelled and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. I mean, sure, I'm writing a paper of some sort now, but I have never written nor read an academic paper before, so I'm pretty clueless. No matter how much I tell people that I have no idea what I'm doing, they just tell me, "Ah... you'll do it. Don't worry." What!? What the hell is that!? It doesn't even make any sense. Well... at this point, I don't even really care about my flawless GPA anymore. I just want to get through this nightmare and move on with my life.

So, Froggy is telling me to take my time and, as if the Graduate School were listening in on our conversation, I get a letter from them informing me that I need to give them the title of my paper in about two weeks.

GAH!

Everything's Better With Cake

2005-10-14T10:07:00.000-05:00

Mood: Better
Song: West End Girls - Pet Shop Boys
Units of Caffeine: 4

About five minutes after I wrote my last post, my boss came into my office. Now, being a grad student, you can imagine that my job isn't all that glamorous, nor does it pay very much. However, the people I work with more than make up for that. Throughout my time working for the University, Boss and co-workers have been extremely supportive of me, my goals and my education. When the shit went down with my project, Boss immediately wrote me an e-mail to tell me how sorry she was to hear that things had taken a turn for the worse and offered to work with me in every way possible to help me graduate by December. She told me, "the last thing you need to worry about right now is work."

Well, as I said, she came into my office with a cake from one of the best bakeries I have ever been to and admitted that, before my project fell through, she and the staff had planned a little "pick-me-up" party that was to be held yesterday afternoon. In light of what had happened, they had cancelled it (also because I took most of the day yesterday to meet with folks and try to regroup about this thing). But, Boss told me they still had the cake. So, she gave me the cake, "because everything gets better with cake," and promised some major party once everything is said and done and the semester is over.

Although I'm excited about Seattle, it's going to be hard to leave this office next year.

What Now?

2005-10-14T08:56:00.000-05:00

Mood: Uninspired
Song: Black - Pearl Jam
Units of Caffeine: Working on my 3rd
Days until Graduation: 63

It's Friday and logic dictates that I should be thrilled by this, but in fact I feel quite... blah. This whole week has been shit and I have the entire spectrum of emotions surging through my body right now to the point it has quite honestly tired me out. Fridays are such crap days at work, too. This doesn't help. You see, I work at probably the only university that does not hold classes on Fridays. So, not only am I sitting on my ass at work doing a whole lot of nothing, but there is nothing that I can accomplish on Fridays as a student. Of course, right now I am wavering between apathy and pure panic: on one hand, I just want to do nothing for a few days in order to wash everything away and let my brain "reboot". But on the other, I realize that there are only eight weeks left within the semester and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I guess that's it. I wouldn't mind just taking a couple of days to regroup if I knew exactly what I was doing and could just dive right into it a few days from now, but I don't.

I had a meeting with the Chair yesterday and it did not go exactly as I had hoped. She is understanding as to what happened and is willing to work with me on whatever I decide to do, but she was really pushing me to treat this semester as a wash; drop my class and do another project next semester. I thought about this for about half a second before saying, "Absolutely not." Not only would I lose all of the tuition I paid this semester, but I would have to return my scholarship from Student Life; I would also have to pay for another semester of tuition and throw out all of the work that I have completed thus far and start from scratch. It seems as if I would get punished for something that is totally not my fault. I spoke with a friend of mine who graduated from the department this past Spring. He is a really hard worker who gets things done; (the type of person the department lacks these days); and he has worked as a student assistant to Chair for several years. Not only do I value his opinion, but he knows how Chair ticks. He told me that Chair is not one to make students stay on longer than they absolutely have to. Actually, I'm in agreement with this: I've had a few talks with Chair about continuing with my education in order to get an MFA or perhaps even a PhD. She didn't discount those options, but really felt that I am ready to get out of academia and move on to the "real world." In fact, something she has said to me, not only in the past, but even at yesterday's meeting was that she could actually see me working as a producer or executive director; but the only way I could continue to work toward those goals is to get out and learn by doing; I have learned all that I can from the classroom. So, why then would she suggest that I stay on for another semester? My friend told me that Chair more than likely feels that I have been slighted by the University and that I am compromising my project a lot. He feels that Chair wants to give me the opportunity to do a project and see it through to completion with the department and University's full support. This actually does make a lot of sense : up until yesterday I felt that she was being extremely supportive of me and then just plopped something unexpected into my lap.

Yes, I do feel slighted. Yes, I am compromising my project with whatever it turns out to be, but I am so ready to close this chapter in my life and move on and move out (of Texas). My friend told me that this is no time to keep any information from Chair and told me to be completely candid with her about how I feel and what I want to do.

I have another string of meetings next week, beginning with the oldest member of the department who is going senile, Dr. Ding-Bat. I have seen Dr. D-B do lots of great things, but after seeing almost everything about her deteriorate over the past few years, I think she seriously needs to hang it up. But, she is the graduate advisor and is really the only one qualified to discuss academic papers - so, I am going to meet with her (hopefully on Monday, because God knows it's not going to be today) to talk about how I can create a paper that is both graduate student quality and a fair amount of work, based upon the work that I have done since January.

In the meantime, I plan to go out this evening to get some gin and vermouth and relax with a few dry martinis tonight.

Flatline

2005-10-12T09:21:00.000-05:00

The Ren Mad project is officially dead.

The Not-So-Good Doctor

2005-10-12T07:07:00.000-05:00

Mood: Drained
Song: The Impression That I Get - The Mighty Mighty Bosstones
Units of Caffeine: 0.5
Days until Graduation: 65

Well, things don't look too good for the Ren Mad Banquet. Over the past week, I had e-mailed and left several massages on the answering machine of my partner in this project, only to be responded by a whole lot of nothing. Yesterday I called and left a message asking him to call me sometime by the end of the day or I was just going to call the project off. That prompted a response, albeit not the one I wanted. I really wanted to talk to him about this over the phone. But instead he e-mailed. After a few e-mails back and forth with me coming up with possible ideas of how to make the things work, and my partner saying 'no' to everything and not offering any ideas of his own, I said that it looked like our only option is to cancel the project. He responded: "o.k. we'll cancel it."

I was on the verge of writing a mass e-mail to everyone about this, (i.e., my thesis committee, my production team, marketing, etc.) but I have one last card that I want to play. I still have a meeting scheduled with a pretty influential person within the School of the Arts this morning. I was originally going to ask him about other venues in the area that I might be able to use. However, now I am going to ask if he knows of any grants or foundations that I might be able to get my hands on. If I can, I will just take the money and do this project independently. I seriously doubt that Mr. Influential can get his hands on the amount I need, but it doesn't hurt to ask about it. Besides, after I do that I can honestly say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I have done everything I could to try to make this thing happen.

In the likely event that my project is indeed cast to the wind, my final thesis project turns into a paper on theatre production: a detailed study on the failure of a good idea. If and when this happens, I think you will see me disappear from the blog for a while as all of my writing time will be dedicated to the paper.

The silver lining to this cloud: I don't have to worry about how I'm going to ensure my cast comes to rehearsal the day after Thanksgiving.

Times a Ticking

2005-10-10T10:17:00.000-05:00

Mood: Eager
Song: Let's Face the Music and Dance - Diana Krall
Units of Caffeine: 2
Days until Graduation: 67

Alright... so I got very little sleep this weekend and have been antsy because I just can't get my mind of the Ren Mad. I know that a couple days ago I wrote an entry with a sort of ambivalent attitude towards it, but from out of nowhere I got a renewed burst of energy. I think I know how I can get this things to work without so much cost. It involves taking the project off campus. The problem is that, with less than two months until curtain, I don't have a lot of time to finalize this. Also, since the project takes place during a busy time of year what with holiday concerts and parties going on, I may be SOL. I've made some phone calls; I've issued e-mails. Now I sit and play the waiting game until someone calls/writes me back. But the clock keep on ticking away the minutes that I seriously do not have.

Second Try

2005-10-08T19:02:00.000-05:00

Mood: Good
Song: Boulevard of Broken Dreams - Green Day
Units of Caffeine: 11

Today has been an "okay" day. I had my monthly massage today, which always seems to make everything right with the world. But it also helps when it rains slightly and there's a cool breeze. I've decided to e-mail my thesis committee and "cohort" in the Madrigal Banquet. I am still very concerned about the pre-production costs, as well as my reputation. I really don't want to get halfway through the rehearsal process and find out we don't have the funds to make it work, forcing me to tell the cast, "Sorry. We're done. Sorry to have wasted your time." I seriously don't want that to happen. So, I'm going to propose the following: I'm going to sell tickets as soon as I get things straightened out with the box office manager. If it looks like we're not going to make the down payment amount by the time I hold auditions, I'm going to scrap the project... That is, unless anyone has any better ideas. It seems that I'm the only one pulling this beast along, so I have no problems making this decision and potentially pissing off some people.

On a better note, I re-booked a cruise today! It looks as if K won't have enough vacation time to take another week off until April, so I booked a 7-day cruise at the end of April. And you know what? It's actually a better cruise than the one I originally booked for September! I originally booked a Western Caribbean cruise out of Galveston. We had taken the cruise before and really enjoyed it; and it's all our budget would allow. Now that I have some time to save up a little more and use the credit I have for the cancelled cruise, I booked an Eastern Caribbean cruise out of Miami. Take a look at this ship! I mean, it has a British Pub, a mini-golf course and an indoor ice skating rink. It was the world's largest cruise ship about five years ago. (I can't even imagine what the largest one is like now!)

So... now I'm off to watch some movies at a friend's house and do some drinking. Just wanted to write and say that some very good decisions were made today.

A Difference A Week Makes

2005-10-07T20:57:00.000-05:00

Mood: Sick
Song: Red Alert - Dan Dyer
Units of Caffeine: 3

Last week I was laughing it up with my bro and C; dining on steamers and really good Indian food, followed by a great evening of Twisted Flicks. This week I'm at home, sick, thinking about my thesis project and how I'm going to get the pre-production funds by November 15th. And also wondering how the hell I got to this point. I mean, my approved thesis project was to write a 30-45 minute masque and direct it for an already established Madrigal Banquet. Notice that it doesn't contain the words "producing," "marketing," or "fundraising." Yet here I am.

I spoke with my some members of my thesis committee who suggested that I start selling tickets ASAP in order to help gain the necessary funds for pre-production. This was on Monday. So, I was hoping to get things in order to start selling tickets next Monday. I thought a week was enough time to do that. I was wrong. All I did was just open up a whole new can of worms for me to deal with.

I hate to say this, but I honestly hope that I don't get the funds by November 15th. Then the production can't go on. I can present the work I have and write a report on why it didn't work to include in my post-mortem. I will graduate and move on with my life. I will attempt the madrigal banquet in Seattle; where I hope to get involved with a theatre group that's just a touch more organized. BUT... in the meantime, I'm creating tickets and structuring box office procedures. Again.... this is something that is not included within my thesis proposal.

What's In A Name?

2005-10-06T18:51:00.000-05:00

1. YOUR PORN STAR NAME: (Name of first pet / Street you live on):
Sammy Bell

2. YOUR MOVIE STAR NAME: (Name of your favorite snack food / Grandfather's first name):
Goldfish Bob

3. YOUR FASHION DESIGNER NAME: (First word you see on your left / Favorite restaurant):
Seussical Saltys

4. EXOTIC FOREIGNER ALIAS: (Favorite Spice / Last Foreign Vacation Spot):
Clove Dublin

5. SOCIALITE ALIAS: (Silliest Childhood Nickname / Town Where You First Partied):
Moose Oswego

6. "FLY GIRL/BOY" ALIAS (a la J. Lo): (First Initial / First Two or Three Letters of your Last Name):
B. De

7. ICON ALIAS: (Something Sweet Within Sight / Any Liquid in Your Kitchen):
M&M Sake

8. DETECTIVE ALIAS: (Favorite Baby Animal / Where You Went to High School):
Kitten Corcoran (hmm.... that doesn't sound too manly, does it?)

9. BARFLY ALIAS: (Last Snack Food You Ate / Your Favorite Alcoholic Drink):
Popcorn Martini

10. SOAP OPERA ALIAS: (Middle Name / Street Where You First Lived):
M. Brighton

11. ROCK STAR ALIAS: (Favorite Candy / Last Name Of Favorite Musician):
Twix Rzeznik

12. YOUR STAR WARS NAME: ( First 2 letters of your first name and the first 3 Letters from your last name makes your first name. Take the first 2 letters of your mother's maiden name and the first 3 letters of the city you were born in):
BeDex BlSyr

A Look Back

2005-10-05T16:47:00.000-05:00

The Rules:
1. Go to your archives
2. Locate your 23rd post
3. Find the 5th sentence
4. Post the sentence in a new entry with the Rules.

The 5th sentence of my 23rd post:

"I watched it last night and I am still coming off from the emotional journey it took me on."

The Fall

2005-10-05T09:51:00.000-05:00

Mood: Nostalgic
Song: Transatlanticism - Death Cab for Cutie
Units of Caffeine: 3

"It's autumn in New York that brings the promise of new love.
Autumn in New York is often mingled with pain.
Dreamers with empty hands my sigh for exotic lands;
It's autumn in New York;
It's good to live again"

Last week, when I stepped out of Sea Tac airport in Seattle, the crisp, cool, smoky fall air filled my nostrils. It wasn't just a scent, but a feeling that washed over me. It was at that moment that I realized that I hadn't seen autumn in a long time - I think the last time I experienced that feeling was when I was in Vermont in 2001. It's funny that I even forgot what that feeling was like. I mean, every time October and November comes to Texas, I complain that it just isn't fall and know that I'm missing that feeling I had when living in the northeast, but up until that moment in Washington, I had quite honestly forgotten what it was that I was missing.

I spent a glorious week in that cold, fall air in the Pacific Northwest and came back to Texas; the state where summer never ends. And I don't mean that in a good way. I mean, it's October! Leaves should be falling! People should be wearing light jackets! The slight scent of winter mixed with dried leaves should be in the air! But no, I'm still wearing shorts, the air is still dry and blistering, and my air conditioning is still on 24/7. So, you can imagine my delight when I check out NOAA and see the following:

...SIGNIFICANT COOL DOWN EXPECTED ACROSS NORTH TEXAS...

A STRONG CANADIAN COLD FRONT WILL MOVE ACROSS NORTH TEXAS TONIGHT... AND BRING AN ABRUPT END TO THE ABOVE NORMAL TEMPERATURES WE HAVE RECENTLY SEEN. THE FRONT WILL TURN THE WIND TO NORTH... AND INCREASE SPEEDS TO BETWEEN 15 AND 25 MPH. TEMPERATURES WILL QUICKLY COOLLATE TONIGHT... WITH LOWS THURSDAY MORNING RANGING FROM THE LOWER 50S IN THE NORTHWEST TO THE MID AND UPPER 60S ACROSS THE EXTREME SOUTHERN COUNTIES. RAIN SHOWERS AND A FEW THUNDERSTORMS WILL OCCUR ALONG AND JUST BEHIND THE FRONT.

MOSTLY CLOUDY SKIES AND MUCH COOLER AIR WILL DOMINATE NORTH TEXAS THURSDAY. SCATTERED RAIN SHOWERS WILL PERSIST ACROSS THE AREA. HIGH TEMPERATURES WILL REACH ONLY THE LOWER 60S IN THE EXTREME WEST...WITH MID 60S TO MID 70S ELSEWHERE. A GUSTY NORTH WIND OF 15 TO 25 MPH THURSDAY WILL MAKE TEMPERATURES FEEL EVEN COOLER.

CLEARING SKIES...DECREASING WINDS...AND DRY AIR WILL YIELD TWO OF THE COOLEST MORNINGS SO FAR THIS SEASON WITH LOWS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY MORNING RANGING FROM THE MID 40S TO THE MID 50S. RESIDENTS ACROSS NORTH TEXAS SHOULD BE PREPARED FOR THE MUCH COOLER TEMPERATURES... ESPECIALLY THURSDAY MORNING THROUGH SATURDAY MORNING. ANY TIME SPENT OUTSIDE WILL MOST LIKELY REQUIRE A JACKET.

Huzzah!

All Dressed Up

2005-10-04T17:12:00.000-05:00

Mood: Down
Song: Nature Boy - David Bowie
Units of Caffeine: 5

So, here's the scoobie: K and I have a cruise all paid for, just waiting for us to book. I have oodles of vacation time. K, on the other hand, does not. I know so many instances in which we have had time off, but no place to go. I can't think of a time in which we have had a place to go, just no time in which to do it. I've been to Royal Caribbean's web site several times now, just to window shop and see all the wonderful things we could do, including a ten day Caribbean getaway just after New Year's. Oh, sure... we could take a nice cruise over the holidays, but it would cost over $1K more. The same goes for spring cruises - Damn the rules of peak season cruising!! So, it looks like my dreams of a tropical getaway will have to wait a bit longer than I had anticipated.

*le sigh*

And so... more shit has arisen with the madrigal banquet. I swear; quality aside; if this thing even gets off the ground, I will be thrilled! Yesterday I was informed of an added fee that adds over $1,600.00 to my budget and today I was just informed that I wasn't given a budget for any publicity. WTF!? How the hell am I supposed to sell tickets to this thing without any publicity??? So, back I go to my advisors tomorrow to figure out how I can squeeze blood from a rock. In the meantime, things have gotten so challenging with the Ren Mad that I have had to quit my stage managing job.

Gah!

Welcome Back!

2005-10-03T17:43:00.000-05:00

Mood: On edge
Song: My Funny Valentine – Miles Davis
Units of Caffeine: 7

So, my vacation was good. K and I relaxed; we hung out; the weather was cool; it was nice. But, I guess I just can’t get over this whole cruise thing – Perhaps it was because, with the cruise, I wouldn’t have had to look at every penny we were spending every hour or so. But, the fact is, we got away from our lives for a while and we weren’t busy trying to squeeze thirty hours into the twenty-four hour day.

But I guess the main problem is that there really wasn’t an ease back into my everyday life. I couldn’t stick a toe in and get used to the temperature before easing my way into the pool. No, I was thrown right back into the deep end of an ice-cold pool that is my life. Yesterday I spent the day paying bills and catching up with housework and such, and this morning I opened my e-mail at work to find one hundred thirty two new e-mail messages. There was also a neatly piled stack of paperwork on my desk for me to go through. I quickly read up on the drama that is happening behind the scenes with Seussical and, as my eye was beginning to twitch, I got blindsided with two pieces of news regarding the Ren Mad banquet: (a) The down payment for the project is going to cost >$6K and (b) The caterer told me that there is a 15% charge on top of his quoted price that will go to the school’s catering company. I have no earthly idea why I have to pay a 15% surcharge to my University’s catering company when they aren’t doing a damn thing, but it increased my budget by ~$1,600.00. All of this is not good news when the church who is joining me in this Ren Mad venture informed me that they did not think of any of the up-front costs.

I hit the panic button and headed straight to the drama department and spoke with one of my mentors, (who happens to also be a good friend of mine). He calmed me down somewhat and suggested that I speak with the Chair. I spoke with the Chair and she did a really good job of easing my mind a bit. She told me that I should not, under any circumstances attempt to fund this project on my own. It was good to hear this from her, as I was thinking that I would have to take out a home equity loan or something like that. She also told me that it’s often a bad idea to act immediately after hearing bad news. It’s funny – I realize this is all pretty matter-of-fact advice that really should come as a “no brainer,” but I guess, with everything on my plate, it’s just hard to see the obvious. So we bounced around ideas of how to come up with money to front the initial funds needed for this project and even discussed my options in the event that the Ren Mad doesn’t pan out. I am not going to write about these options because I really don’t even want to think of them right now – It would almost be like admitting defeat. However, I know that in a worst-case scenario, I will still graduate in December!