Back On Track

Mood: Okay
Music: Storms In Africa - Enya
Units of Caffeine: 0.25
Days Until Graduation: 30
Days Until Thesis Is Due: 15

To some, it probably isn't a big surprise that I had to take a couple of days off from blogging; to some it will be a surprise that it wasn't necessarily due to working on my thesis. Early Sunday afternoon I received word that one of my friends had killed himself. I have tried writing about this two times before this entry, and I am in hopes that I can get this one out. I guess I just don't have the words to describe how I've been feeling these past few days, or it's just difficult for me to write about - In the past failed entries, all that came out were random, disconnected thoughts. I'll promise myself this: regardless of how this bog entry turns out, I'm posting it.

It wasn't until halfway through the day yesterday before I began to feel 'normal' again, but Monday was just entirely weird - It's hard to describe, but I guess the best way I can put it is that I felt very 'out of body.' Over the past few days, I have had a surge of emotion ranging from depression to anger. The man was a parent; a mentor; and an educator. For a long time thoughts like, "How could he do this?" and "How selfish!" raced through my head. The man was a responsible adult. How could he come to such a rash decision? I know this must sound a bit ironic coming from one who was also suicidal, but this is quite different from my experience. I was 17 when I dealt with it. As harsh as this is to say, teens are almost expected to make rash decisions. As a teen, I remember feeling like the world was collapsing around me and there wasn't a single person who could understand. It was indeed, very egocentric. But I remember not being able to see the larger picture - I couldn't see two weeks ahead of me, let alone years. I couldn't see the people it would affected if I succeeded. If I knew then what I know now, suicide would never have been an option. As an adult, you should be able to see the larger picture. It wasn't until a little later, when I was speaking to another friend of mine who is a psychologist that this wasn't a matter of thinking like an adolescent vs. thinking like an adult. It was a matter of thinking like a stable person vs. thinking like a person who is severely depressed. This statement really took a toll on me. For about three or four years of my life, I went through a very dark period. I suffered a depression that I thought would never go away. Up until now, I had honestly thought that this was purely an adolescent issue. I have felt that it was like acne: Now that I'm out of my teen years, I don't need to worry about it. But now I find out that everyone has the potential to sink this low; it is not just a teen issue.... like acne. This is not to say that I feel as if *BANG* I'm going to go back into a deep depression. I know that it is all a matter of control. My friend died because he lost that control. I am very aware of myself, and I will never lose that control.

I guess what also hurts is the knowledge that my friend was going through that and although he had a very large group of friends, not many people knew about it. Depression is a hard, treacherous road. Something no one should travel alone.