Instinct & Emotion
Mood: Emotional
Song: Some renaissance music
Units of Caffeine: 10
Days Until Vacation: 68
Today has been a really strange day – I have been hit with a bunch of random emotions throughout the day – Some have clear cut reasons for their being, while others are pretty damn random.
My Monday started by having a meeting that I really didn’t want to have with a person who works under me. I then opened my My Space e-mail and read a rather lengthy e-mail from an ex of mine from high school. I can’t even remember when I last spoke with her. And before anyone gets any strange ideas, no there’s no rekindling of any flames here: She was a very good friend of mine and our lives have moved on. Anyway… it’s great to hear from her again; but it looks as if her recent choice in guys was perhaps not the best. She is an open relationship with a guy who feels that women are inherently monogamous, whereas men are inherently polygamous. Therefore, a man who decides to get married is only conforming to what society dictates is right, and is ignoring what his instincts tell him. Oh, yes, and my friend is pregnant with this guy’s son.
I honestly don’t even know where to begin, but I was instantly angered at the blanket statement this guy made about men and why they do the things that they do. Also, I think this instinctual stuff is bullshit. I mean, yes, there have been studies that prove what this guy is saying, but it’s breaking things down to their utmost primal nature. But we are not primates. I mean, our instincts may also tell us to go out; hunt; and kill for food – But, I think, rather than killing my neighbor’s dog – (or my neighbor) – I’ll go to the grocery store. I’m also thinking about how I felt when I was in Las Vegas six years ago. I was unattached to anyone in every way possible – and every fiber of my being told me that I wanted to be with one single person; and no, I didn’t feel any pressures from society telling me to be with this one person – In fact, I did almost everything possible to push society away from me during that period of my life.
I’ve also started thinking a bit about my parents, (since a few people have actually asked about them.) Sadly, I can’t tell you what they are doing right now. Because they are such great creatures of habit, I can guess with a pretty good accuracy, but I haven’t spoken with either of them since Christmas. I have become so fucking annoyed with their ambivalence. Ever since I left my home town in the northeast, six years ago, I have tried to get my parents to visit; tried to get them somewhat interested in what was happening in my life. I have failed with each attempt – And with each failure, I just got more and more annoyed and more and more depressed. About a month prior to Christmas, my father dropped a suggestion that they visit for a few days after Christmas. I don’t even know why I got myself hyped up for it – especially with my parents’ history for broken promises – But I did. And, not surprisingly, my parents did not come. Each time I tried to make plans with my parents for them to visit, something would come up. I would be annoyed, but they would be completely valid reasons: financial difficulties; health problems; and unyielding schedules were some of the reasons. But this time was different. This time the only reason why my parents could not visit me and their daughter in-law was that my mother needed to clean her office in my parents’ house. As much as I told my parents about the fact that this was the lamest excuse I had every heard in my life – They insisted that it was perfectly valid. My father, in his infinite wisdom, thought that it would smooth things over if he suggested that they visit in the late spring instead. I e-mailed him asking him how this spring would be any different than any other promise that they had broken. I didn’t hear back from him for several weeks, until I received a stupid copy of a comic strip he e-mailed to me.
I thought of simply not communicating with them until they got the message – But after nearly two months of me being silent, (including not calling or sending anything to my mother on her birthday in January), they still haven’t gotten it. It’s funny: this thing is starting to hurt me more than it’s hurting them. Talk about instinctual – No matter how much my parents don’t care; no matter how much they continue to piss me off; I can’t simply cut them off from my life.
Song: Some renaissance music
Units of Caffeine: 10
Days Until Vacation: 68
Today has been a really strange day – I have been hit with a bunch of random emotions throughout the day – Some have clear cut reasons for their being, while others are pretty damn random.
My Monday started by having a meeting that I really didn’t want to have with a person who works under me. I then opened my My Space e-mail and read a rather lengthy e-mail from an ex of mine from high school. I can’t even remember when I last spoke with her. And before anyone gets any strange ideas, no there’s no rekindling of any flames here: She was a very good friend of mine and our lives have moved on. Anyway… it’s great to hear from her again; but it looks as if her recent choice in guys was perhaps not the best. She is an open relationship with a guy who feels that women are inherently monogamous, whereas men are inherently polygamous. Therefore, a man who decides to get married is only conforming to what society dictates is right, and is ignoring what his instincts tell him. Oh, yes, and my friend is pregnant with this guy’s son.
I honestly don’t even know where to begin, but I was instantly angered at the blanket statement this guy made about men and why they do the things that they do. Also, I think this instinctual stuff is bullshit. I mean, yes, there have been studies that prove what this guy is saying, but it’s breaking things down to their utmost primal nature. But we are not primates. I mean, our instincts may also tell us to go out; hunt; and kill for food – But, I think, rather than killing my neighbor’s dog – (or my neighbor) – I’ll go to the grocery store. I’m also thinking about how I felt when I was in Las Vegas six years ago. I was unattached to anyone in every way possible – and every fiber of my being told me that I wanted to be with one single person; and no, I didn’t feel any pressures from society telling me to be with this one person – In fact, I did almost everything possible to push society away from me during that period of my life.
I’ve also started thinking a bit about my parents, (since a few people have actually asked about them.) Sadly, I can’t tell you what they are doing right now. Because they are such great creatures of habit, I can guess with a pretty good accuracy, but I haven’t spoken with either of them since Christmas. I have become so fucking annoyed with their ambivalence. Ever since I left my home town in the northeast, six years ago, I have tried to get my parents to visit; tried to get them somewhat interested in what was happening in my life. I have failed with each attempt – And with each failure, I just got more and more annoyed and more and more depressed. About a month prior to Christmas, my father dropped a suggestion that they visit for a few days after Christmas. I don’t even know why I got myself hyped up for it – especially with my parents’ history for broken promises – But I did. And, not surprisingly, my parents did not come. Each time I tried to make plans with my parents for them to visit, something would come up. I would be annoyed, but they would be completely valid reasons: financial difficulties; health problems; and unyielding schedules were some of the reasons. But this time was different. This time the only reason why my parents could not visit me and their daughter in-law was that my mother needed to clean her office in my parents’ house. As much as I told my parents about the fact that this was the lamest excuse I had every heard in my life – They insisted that it was perfectly valid. My father, in his infinite wisdom, thought that it would smooth things over if he suggested that they visit in the late spring instead. I e-mailed him asking him how this spring would be any different than any other promise that they had broken. I didn’t hear back from him for several weeks, until I received a stupid copy of a comic strip he e-mailed to me.
I thought of simply not communicating with them until they got the message – But after nearly two months of me being silent, (including not calling or sending anything to my mother on her birthday in January), they still haven’t gotten it. It’s funny: this thing is starting to hurt me more than it’s hurting them. Talk about instinctual – No matter how much my parents don’t care; no matter how much they continue to piss me off; I can’t simply cut them off from my life.
posted by Dr. Dexter at 3:57 PM
2 Comments:
Dear Lord do I ever understand that...thinking of you, Doc. **Hugs**
My parents only live about 7 hours away, and they visited me once in 3 years. When I spent 18 months living 2 1/2 hours away, they never once visited. It bugged me so much that, a year or two ago, I decided to go cold turkey on visiting them and calling. I did neither for nearly 10 months, and "broke" only when Christmas rolled around.
It apparently never registered on their end, though. I brought it up a few months back, about how I'd refused to call or visit them for 10 months straight just to see if they'd fill in the gaps (they did not), and they just sorta laughed nervously. Ouch.
So you're right ... the whole 10 months hurt me a heckuva lot more than it hurt them. Since then, I've just had to let it go / make my peace with the fact that this just how they are. My mom is so desperate for grandbabies (and has none yet) that I do think they will at least call more -- if not visit more -- when we have kids.
Until then, I just try to take solace in the fact that my fiance's parents live a few miles down the road and are definitely interested and involved in our lives. It's not the same, but it has to be enough.
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