Wednesday, August 17, 2005

That Certain Feeling


Mood: Depressed
Song: Black No. 1 - Type O Negative
Cups of coffee: 2

Lately I've been feeling kind of depressed. I think it started a month or so ago and it has just progressed. Part of it stems from the fact that I feel like I'm in a perpetual state of waiting - I mean, I feel like I have been working non-stop for years now. Every time I say something like "I'm going to take some time off from x" or "I'm just going to relax" it's like the kiss of death. This past weekend I took Friday off and planned on doing "a whole lot of nothing", but no... I spent the three days working around the house. I tried, I really did, but I just could not relax. On a larger scale, I look at this summer: I deliberately didn't participate in any theatre productions this year. This is the first year in 6 or so years that I did not do at least one show. Seeing as how participating in a production takes a load of time, I thought that my summer was going to be free and easy. What a load of crap! I have never been busier at work. In fact, I'm glad I didn't do any shows this summer or I would have frigging killed someone. But now I feel so bogged down with work that I can't really do anything fun.

Speaking of fun, let's talk about my thesis for a moment: Now I know that one doesn't normally put the words "fun" and "thesis" in the same sentence, but with respect to the performing arts, there is some fun involved. However, the fun within my project has yet to come to light. Right now I feel as if I've been dealt a huge, steaming pile of shit! All I have been doing is a buttload of administrative work: finding and securing a venue; contracting a caterer; finding a script; etc... Seeing as how I hope to get a job in arts administration, this is all really good training, but this is not what I signed on to do - This is not my thesis project! My project was to do research on the commedia style of theatre and direct a masque for an annual Renaissance Madrigal banquet. Somehow, I have taken on the bulk of the weight of this thing; So much so that I had time to do any research - I've been so busy with the administrative tasks. This morning, K had to be up early for work, so I went into my office at the same time and took the opportunity to begin the fun part of my thesis project - Writing scenes for the banquet - the creative side of what I'm doing. I didn't get a page and a half into it when I got an e-mail stating that I had lost the venue that I had secured this past spring!

I know thesis projects aren't supposed to be easy, but god dammit!

So, needless to say that I have a bunch of meetings lined up over the next few weeks to deal with all of this shit, including a meeting with my thesis committee: I'm going to try to appeal to them to change the structure of my thesis project to include the administrative tasks involved with the planning of the entire event and lose part of the research I was supposed to do this summer.

Other than that, I guess I'm just dying to get involved in the performing aspect of what I do again. And I don't mean that I just want to jump right in and do the first thing that comes up - I want to do something worth doing! I can't tell you how sick I am of doing a piece of scholck; or something that's not even half-baked, but quarter-baked; or doing something that has all the potential to be good, but is lost because the audience is so small. Do you know how much energy is drained from a production from such a simple thing as having a small audience? I was even disenchanted with the Dublin project. Don't get me wrong; I had some of the best training of my career over in Ireland, and I wouldn't give it up for the world - But the production aspect of it was mis-cast and whereas I and a few others involved with the project took so much from it and used it; others just did the same old shit that they always do and simply used the Dublin experience as a vehicle to get drunk in another country. Well, yeah... it's hard not to get drunk in the drinking capital of the world with Guinness and Jameson in the back yard, but come on people! Play hard, work hard! This type of attitude left for an uneven cast in an uneven show, at best.

So, I'm waiting to do something. Not waiting to do something great, but just do something that's worth doing. I'm also waiting for a vacation. I'm waiting to graduate. I'm waiting to move. I'm waiting for the next chapter in my life to begin! You know what it's like to read a chapter of a book that you enjoy and are just reading it to get on with it - That feels like my life right now.

One thing I'm not waiting for is my birthday. Perhaps it's because of K's recent festivities that's brought this idea to the front burner of my mind, but I'm just not looking forward to my birthday in the slightest. I don't understand this fear of turning 30, I really don't. I have gotten married; am I the eve of accomplishing something I never thought I would with my career in theatre; I studied abroad; I moved far away from my hometown; I own my own house - Many more accomplishments within my 20's than the average Joe, I think, but these things still don't change the way I feel. Every time I think about turning 30, I get very stiff and feel like crying.

Why do I feel like this?

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