Introspection

I went to my friends' memorial service last night and, although I'm very glad I went, the surge of emotions that I was just getting over with this week hit me again ten fold. It had gotten to the point where my throat had closed up so much and my chest felt so tight - I just couldn't speak. I guess what made the memorial service different from hear the news for the first time is that I heard the news with K. K and I had talked about it; our memories and such. But here was a theatre full of friends, family, colleagues and students. There were pictures of my friend - the shows he did - the lives he affected - ALL of this in the same room at the same time.

I am very thankful that I have not had to deal with death in quite some time. The last time a person died with whom I held a personal relationship was a friend of mine who died of a brain tumor right before I went to college. I haven't had to deal with a loss like this in quite some time. I tend to close off the world around me. It's not that I am falling into any pits of depressions myself, (although I would be lying if I told you I wasn't depressed); it's more of a type of introspection and meditation. When something this emotionally traumatic happens, it forces you to re-evaluate some key things in your life. When a death occurs to someone who is close to you, at some point in the course of your grieving, you can't help but think of that old saying, "Life is too short." However, when a suicide occurs, you can't help but be reminded of how fragile the human soul is. It makes you want to just stop all of the pointless bullshit that is happening in your life; tie those threads of relationships that somehow got undone and frayed and tighten the ones that you hold dear to make them stronger.

One of the speakers at the memorial service said of our mutual friend, that he is like a button, (one of the most overlooked inventions in the history of fashion design); when you lose a button from your shirt within the day; you still wear it as you always have - but you know something is missing, and it just doesn't feel right.

Too all of my family and friends: those I know, and those I have yet to meet; those I have lost through loss of communication, an unfortunate event or to the fates:

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve and do not share my emotions as often as I should. Each and every one of you has made me who I am today, and for that I am truly thankful. Each and every one of you holds a special place in my heart. If our paths have gone separate ways, I will remember you always and forever hope that our paths will cross again. If our paths are still joined, I am grateful every day for the friendship we share and always look forward to seeing you again soon. You are very special to me, and although I may never say it (and at times you may not think it), you mean so much to me. Thank you for being in my life.