The Holidays

Mood: Annoyed
Song: Christmas Time Is Here - Vince Guaraldi
Units of caffeine: 3
Days Until Graduation: 2

Gawd! It's been almost two weeks since my last post! Man, does it suck to not have a computer. Of course, there's K's Mac, which I swear has it out for me; and there's the computer in my office, but, up until recently, I haven't had much time to blog during work hours. Even now it's a bit of a challenge because I have an interruption here and there to answer the phone or answer a question at the front desk.

So, the holidays are upon us once more, but this year it's quite different. Of course, it's always different when I'm not in NY on Christmas; it's always hard when K & I are away from family on Christmas Eve & Christmas Day, but we've done it in the past and make things work for us, here in Texas. The difference is that this year it is hard as hell to get into a festive mood. First of all; for some reason I keep forgetting that it's the Christmas season. It probably has something to do with not going Christmas shopping this year or something, but I just keep forgetting. Because K & I have no money to work with this year (thanks to the numb nut who broke into and robbed our house) we aren't able to give this year, and it's effecting us more than we originally thought. Of course, we feel bad that we can't give this year - I never realized how much I enjoy doing it until it was taken away. But we have constantly been put into a position where we are made to feel guilty about not being able to give.

This past weekend, K & I left town for a little bit to visit with family and friends; something we had planned on and purchased several months ago. Aside from a bit of driving and some slightly uncomfortable sleeping conditions, it was a really nice trip - Can't wait to visit again soon. But then we land back in DFW and are thrown, nay, kicked back into reality. First of all, it was rush hour. For any who have not driven in the Dallas / Fort Worth Metroplex during rush hour, let me tell you - I have driven in many major cities during rush hour, including New York City and Los Angeles, and I have to say that Dallas / Ft. Worth is the WORST! So, as I'm parked on the highway, K responds to her mother's voice mail to tell her we're back. Then the discussion turns to Christmas presents... We have made it very clear to my mother in-law that, because we were robbed, we are unable to get anyone presents this year. This is something that K and I have needed to explain to several people several different times, and I don't understand why people don't understand the phrase: "WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY!" K's mother has told us, more than once, to simply use our credit card to purchase gifts; and made the point to indicate that we should buy Suzie Q a gift because Suzie Q bought a gift for us. GAH! I frigging hate this! I will NOT be like every other American and rack up tons of debt just because society says that everybody needs to buy gifts for people at this time of year.

Fast forward to K's workplace; where a few of her co-workers feel the same way: Regardless of your financial situation, you WILL buy gifts and continue to spend money as if it doesn't matter. Apparently, her super was collecting money for a gift for her the office director and asked K to contribute, (even though K has made it no secret that we have no money to spend on gifts, etc.) Her super went so far as to say that she couldn't sign the office card if she didn't contribute any money. Her super also said, "Well, I know that the office director got something for you, so you need to give something in return."

You know, it's not like we're being greedy here, people! We don't have any money. We don't have any money! We don't have any money!! How many times have we got to say it!?!? Also, look at what this implies: "I gave you something, so you need to give me something." Well, if that's the case, then you can keep your fucking gift. I don't want it. This is not to say that I am not a giving person. I am. I just hate getting gifts with strings attached! When that happens, the item ceases to be a gift. A gift, in fact is defined by Merriam Webster as "something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation."

This whole experience of loss has made me truly realize what Christmas is all about, and it has made me thoroughly disgusted by those who don't. I have also been made to feel guilt for not giving this year. Not to the extent that K has, but still, it makes me feel awful. I already feel like shit that I can't give my family and friends presents; that I can't give to the Salvation Army or Toys for Tots as K & I do every year. Then, when someone who knows that I have nothing to give, asks for a handout and makes me feel bad when I can't, I just feel lower than low and it affects me in so many other ways. Because this happens, I feel extremely guilty when I treat myself to something simple like a can of Coke or a slice of pizza. Today I could barely stomach lunch because I felt as if I didn't deserve it. I hate feeling this way. All of this has seriously made it difficult for me to enjoy the holiday season. I have found myself getting extremely pessimistic about Christmas. I used to love it. Now, I just want to avoid it altogether.